This entry is not complete.... I stopped and when I wanted to continue... I don't remember what I wanted to write... so... maybe just leave it like this then...
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This Monday and today, Wednesdays are some of those hard-to-get almost perfect days...
Monday~
I woke up in tears~ had a terrible nightmare....
Monday morning, I was meeting with my boss when I got a phone call. "Hello, this is Melanie Blake calling from Belize Telemedia Limited. You had just won an Acer Mini-Laptop from our 12-days of Christmas Raffle!!! Ye~~~~ (cheering from the background)" I was like.......... er................ really??????? Based on my experience, I don't have luck like this. So I was wandering if it is all pranking. Well... I guess it is not.... cuz they called me over and over to get the interview correct.
1st call: Er... I did not sound exciting cuz I thought someone is making a joke on me... they assure it is not a prank... ok... do it over then.
2nd call: Interview went on alright, but just as I suspected...
3rd call: They called again. Said that it was good but if I can sound a bit more exciting for her it will be good. And they have to do it over cuz they forgot to get my name.
4th call: Interview went on ok til the name part... apparently, they don't get my "real name" that fast. It's ok~ will just do it again.
5th call: Interview finally work out. I'm trying really hard to sound exciting... I mean... I am at work and.... I went speechless when I was surprised or shocked... it's hard to put it into word for me...
6th call: They asked for my occupation.
I guess BTL does not need to pay its own call, so..... good for them
That was the first thing. Then I text you to tell you the news~ you texted me back. =) And then I also called Mickey, Mom and Jason, they were all exciting~ ha ha ha~ I just hope it aint a prank.
I got a call from someone saying that they will rent the apartment, of which we get to get a little commission every month~ and a college will pass by to get some plants~
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Wednesday~ You texted in the morning~ um... with another cellphone~ your phone is out of credit~ said that I should go to spend time with you for the day... But then you came back to Belmopan to work again, so I just went to pick up my netbook, and get back to Belmopan to meet you.
We met~ aw.... babe... I just can't pull my eyes away from you~ You become like... the only thing I see
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Sip of Truth
Friday, after 5, you asked if I can go over. Sadly I can't. I am in Belize City. Even if I were in Belmopan, I can't, cuz I have a class to go to in the evening. I asked if Saturday will be a better day, you said that you might not be home.
Saturday morning about 6 so~ you texted if I can go. Of course I want to go. So I went to ask mom. She was upset. Well... just imagine that usually someone have to wake me up, more than once, and Saturday morning I am awoke before anyone else just because I want to go to City... for animation? She said that Mic can just download it for me and so on... Mom knows me well. That once I set my mind to do something, I'm almost deadly stubborn that I want to do it. Wonder where does that come from in my genes.... Then she said something like, if you are going to date then just tell me. I was speechless. And she thinks that she got it right. I told her that it is not totally. It's this person I like, but we are not really that kind of relationship. In a tiny sense that is correct tho... just interpretation may be different. I like you. I am almost sure that I love you. But you may not feel the same. And in my age, talking about relationship will be like... heading-to-married kind of serious relationship, which is what I would want. But since future is uncertain, and you are not totally into it yet, I guess it's better just stay as what I said. I like you but we are not really in that kind of relationship, yet. Then she asked a series of questions like, how do I know you... I said I know you since you were study in UB not so well, but then we reconnect afterward. Which in fact is true... I believe I saw you on campus. She asked if it's through internet again. Ay... internet is a place where you can meet "dragons and lions" (which means dangerous ppl) and she said that I just can't learn the lesson... I agreed that I am too bold... but I just cannot say it, cuz somehow I feel that through internet I get to know a person's inner side before I put judgment based on their appearance. Maybe it's another brain wash by my ex-net affair, which my mom totally worries and disapprove of, which I also understand... I seems not to be a good child huh... Then she asked about your job, and if you are a Taiwanese or local, and what else I don't remember. She didn't ask about your family tho, nor age, nor appearance, and other stuffs. I guess I kinda pull it through by telling her that I'm not the only one that knows you in real life. I mention Jackie, Abil and Vic/Rex. And just a brief description of how you know them. And that I checked with Jackie and she said that you are a good person to be friend with, which is true, I did checked with her since like February. I guess, based on the good status of Jackie and Abil in my mom's eyes, she temporarily conclude that you wont be bad. And then I promise to help with lunch... and other stuff... So, she let me off the hook... em... not very willingly. Oh by the way, since they were still in bed, my dad was there too.
As I return to my room to update you, and I heard them talking softly in their room. Next thing I notice, my dad went to wash rice to get cook by rice cooker as I head towards the kitchen. I told him sorry... I just feel sorry... He gave me a pat on the shoulder. Then mom join the kitchen. I told her sorry, and I cried... She got suspicious on why will I say sorry, cuz she knows more inside story on my past relationship. I said I was just sorry about the whole thing and I were not doing what I suppose to do, in this case it means like... tasks she asked me to do... She said about relationship, there is nothing that she can say, but yes I should complete the tasks she assigned me... Somehow I feel that they give in, at least for right now since I said that we are not in a relationship yet, since I'm more or less... um... the age to make my own family... So it's totally normal if I want to go date or something. Secretly, I feel sorry that I fell too fast and too deep, you know what I'm saying... I may end up hurting myself, and they don't want that. I am being crazy about you... bold, adventurous, taking risk... not something I normally will do, but fantasize doing... maybe I am not crazy, I just finally willing to take my risk to pursue something that may seems to be unrealistic and dreamy...
Anyways, when I am almost ready, you said something came up and I end up did not went. But somehow I think it's still worth it cuz I let my parents aware of your existence, and since we are just "friend" for right now, I guess no pressure on you. And I didn't let them know that you are the same one that breaks my heart on March... It will cause a bad impression and I don't want that...
I miss you.... And I really wish that I could go.
[I don't know why I feel for you, but I just do.]
Saturday morning about 6 so~ you texted if I can go. Of course I want to go. So I went to ask mom. She was upset. Well... just imagine that usually someone have to wake me up, more than once, and Saturday morning I am awoke before anyone else just because I want to go to City... for animation? She said that Mic can just download it for me and so on... Mom knows me well. That once I set my mind to do something, I'm almost deadly stubborn that I want to do it. Wonder where does that come from in my genes.... Then she said something like, if you are going to date then just tell me. I was speechless. And she thinks that she got it right. I told her that it is not totally. It's this person I like, but we are not really that kind of relationship. In a tiny sense that is correct tho... just interpretation may be different. I like you. I am almost sure that I love you. But you may not feel the same. And in my age, talking about relationship will be like... heading-to-married kind of serious relationship, which is what I would want. But since future is uncertain, and you are not totally into it yet, I guess it's better just stay as what I said. I like you but we are not really in that kind of relationship, yet. Then she asked a series of questions like, how do I know you... I said I know you since you were study in UB not so well, but then we reconnect afterward. Which in fact is true... I believe I saw you on campus. She asked if it's through internet again. Ay... internet is a place where you can meet "dragons and lions" (which means dangerous ppl) and she said that I just can't learn the lesson... I agreed that I am too bold... but I just cannot say it, cuz somehow I feel that through internet I get to know a person's inner side before I put judgment based on their appearance. Maybe it's another brain wash by my ex-net affair, which my mom totally worries and disapprove of, which I also understand... I seems not to be a good child huh... Then she asked about your job, and if you are a Taiwanese or local, and what else I don't remember. She didn't ask about your family tho, nor age, nor appearance, and other stuffs. I guess I kinda pull it through by telling her that I'm not the only one that knows you in real life. I mention Jackie, Abil and Vic/Rex. And just a brief description of how you know them. And that I checked with Jackie and she said that you are a good person to be friend with, which is true, I did checked with her since like February. I guess, based on the good status of Jackie and Abil in my mom's eyes, she temporarily conclude that you wont be bad. And then I promise to help with lunch... and other stuff... So, she let me off the hook... em... not very willingly. Oh by the way, since they were still in bed, my dad was there too.
As I return to my room to update you, and I heard them talking softly in their room. Next thing I notice, my dad went to wash rice to get cook by rice cooker as I head towards the kitchen. I told him sorry... I just feel sorry... He gave me a pat on the shoulder. Then mom join the kitchen. I told her sorry, and I cried... She got suspicious on why will I say sorry, cuz she knows more inside story on my past relationship. I said I was just sorry about the whole thing and I were not doing what I suppose to do, in this case it means like... tasks she asked me to do... She said about relationship, there is nothing that she can say, but yes I should complete the tasks she assigned me... Somehow I feel that they give in, at least for right now since I said that we are not in a relationship yet, since I'm more or less... um... the age to make my own family... So it's totally normal if I want to go date or something. Secretly, I feel sorry that I fell too fast and too deep, you know what I'm saying... I may end up hurting myself, and they don't want that. I am being crazy about you... bold, adventurous, taking risk... not something I normally will do, but fantasize doing... maybe I am not crazy, I just finally willing to take my risk to pursue something that may seems to be unrealistic and dreamy...
Anyways, when I am almost ready, you said something came up and I end up did not went. But somehow I think it's still worth it cuz I let my parents aware of your existence, and since we are just "friend" for right now, I guess no pressure on you. And I didn't let them know that you are the same one that breaks my heart on March... It will cause a bad impression and I don't want that...
I miss you.... And I really wish that I could go.
[I don't know why I feel for you, but I just do.]
Monday, November 15, 2010
Exploration to a new phase of relationship
I've been reading.
I've been browsing a lot on internet on articles related to "obsessive" "clingy" "needy" etc. I figured, if it's a matter I need to face, it will be better if I will face it with some knowledge and with guides. I have to slap myself awake from my fantasy, and thinking that love can solve all problems in a relationship. I've find some very helpful tips, reasonable and seems to be useful. I now realize that I was being too naive about being in a relationship. Love alone does not solve the problems, does not solve my problems. You are still around, well you hadn't left yet. But, whether or not you're there when I become the woman I wish to become, I remain thankful. That you are in my life, to point out this problem to me, something that my past boyfriends do not. I am thankful for this. And that you hadn't left yet. Please... I need time to adjust myself... to become a new me. Please be there to see me evolve.
Yes, I am afraid to loose you. Very afraid. Cuz you are different. And I love you. And I crave for your love. But this itself should not let me return back to that girl I used to be. Though I miss those days that we can just love with our hearts and does not care what the world becomes, but time is different. I have to grow up. I have to grow out of it. Sadly but truely... Being naive in relationship will not lead me anywhere near happiness. It will just ruin it, as I cannot handle it properly, as I cannot understand you, worse about able to make your life a better one. You don't deserve this, neither do I. You deserve a better woman, and I deserve to become a better woman.
I will grow, as I have always grow, in good or bad. I will grow into an individual that I will feel prouder and prouder about. I hope I can become someone you will find more interest in, someone you will want to spend time with, someone that will make your life better. Maybe it seems that I still revolve around you. Well, my intention is to become a better self, in a relationship. You are just the motivation, a strong one. It will benefit, if not us, me in the long run. I'm glad that I am given this chance to see a deeper level in a relationship, thanks all to you. Thanks for being truthful and gave me a wake up call.
[I love you.][I do.]
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Um... let me list out things I can do for myself...
Finish the speech.. = =
Finish the animation
Finish Twilight Saga
Study Spanish
Study English vocabulary from a dictionary
Generate idea to promote home business
Work hard at work........ harder
Take care of myself
Iron clothes?
Watch series
Clean my room....... ha ha ha
Take class next semester
SLEEP
ok... I think that will be enough for now. Kambade, Betty! This time shouldn't only be talking!!! You have to change yourself!!! You have to become better!! Better!!! Or else, you do not deserve a man like him! HEAR!
I've been browsing a lot on internet on articles related to "obsessive" "clingy" "needy" etc. I figured, if it's a matter I need to face, it will be better if I will face it with some knowledge and with guides. I have to slap myself awake from my fantasy, and thinking that love can solve all problems in a relationship. I've find some very helpful tips, reasonable and seems to be useful. I now realize that I was being too naive about being in a relationship. Love alone does not solve the problems, does not solve my problems. You are still around, well you hadn't left yet. But, whether or not you're there when I become the woman I wish to become, I remain thankful. That you are in my life, to point out this problem to me, something that my past boyfriends do not. I am thankful for this. And that you hadn't left yet. Please... I need time to adjust myself... to become a new me. Please be there to see me evolve.
Yes, I am afraid to loose you. Very afraid. Cuz you are different. And I love you. And I crave for your love. But this itself should not let me return back to that girl I used to be. Though I miss those days that we can just love with our hearts and does not care what the world becomes, but time is different. I have to grow up. I have to grow out of it. Sadly but truely... Being naive in relationship will not lead me anywhere near happiness. It will just ruin it, as I cannot handle it properly, as I cannot understand you, worse about able to make your life a better one. You don't deserve this, neither do I. You deserve a better woman, and I deserve to become a better woman.
I will grow, as I have always grow, in good or bad. I will grow into an individual that I will feel prouder and prouder about. I hope I can become someone you will find more interest in, someone you will want to spend time with, someone that will make your life better. Maybe it seems that I still revolve around you. Well, my intention is to become a better self, in a relationship. You are just the motivation, a strong one. It will benefit, if not us, me in the long run. I'm glad that I am given this chance to see a deeper level in a relationship, thanks all to you. Thanks for being truthful and gave me a wake up call.
[I love you.][I do.]
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Um... let me list out things I can do for myself...
Finish the speech.. = =
Finish the animation
Finish Twilight Saga
Study Spanish
Study English vocabulary from a dictionary
Generate idea to promote home business
Work hard at work........ harder
Take care of myself
Iron clothes?
Watch series
Clean my room....... ha ha ha
Take class next semester
SLEEP
ok... I think that will be enough for now. Kambade, Betty! This time shouldn't only be talking!!! You have to change yourself!!! You have to become better!! Better!!! Or else, you do not deserve a man like him! HEAR!
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Obsessiveness
So yes, I am obsessive... unhealthily... maybe I have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder? = = maybe I do have...
When I'm calmed down, I got to digest what you meant and see your point, I feel bad. Why do this little incident cause me to react so big? Is it merely because that I was tired? or does it means that I have so much inside of me that was pressed and exploded at the same time. Even now, I can still feel it. Then it bring back my conversation with dad last night. Can you make me happy? You seems to be carefree about life. You do what you want, as you said. I don't see why not. But, do you care about me enough to make me happy or want to make me happy? I don't know, not yet.
Well... think of the bright side, at least we communicated, although you kinda end it with a shout... Just like my brother... usually ends argument with a shout... sigh... At least you told me what you didn't like, so that I can improve... What can I improve about my obsessiveness? I can feel Muramasa's obsession to Kouga, unhealthy one but to be honest, facinating to me. Ppl will say he is crazy and I know cuz I am crazy too... Cuz to Muramasa, Kouga is everything, and to me, you are almost everything. That is when I am focusing my mind at you, I dig a hole bigger than I can climb out, then I jumped in. Totally not healthy. And SCARY, CREEPY, TERRIBLE. I don't want to be like that... I want to love you, I want you to like what I do for you, I don't want you to feel that about me. Is this another obsession?
What can I do... Someone tell me... I don't want to press it, cuz it aint helping. Maybe I should just love you less, as if I can. I should live back my normal life... then maybe you'll like me more when I pay less attention on you. Cuz you can't handle it, and I can't handle it. The obsession I have... I have to let it go and get myself cure.
I desire you, to a very great extend... But pressuring my desire for you doesn't help. I can hold it for a week, a month, but I cannot hold it forever as it will only built up too much for me. Babe... I have to mentally let you go... let go my desire for you... let go my desire of desiring your present... let go my desire of wanting to be with you so much... I have to let go my stubborn thoughts.... I think God send you to me, for me to face this problem in me. I have to be thankful... and realize the me right now cannot offer you the happiness I wish you to have... I have to get better... get better at letting go. Not the feeling for you, but the way I love you... and the intensity of desiring you. I am not Muramasa. You are not Kouga. We have our separate life... My life does not depend on you... I have to wake up... and do what I need to do... I can do it... I can do it... my "self-diagonized" OCD is a minor one... although it influences me greatly, I can overcome it...
[Betty, go with the flow.][Remember... You are you. I am me.]
I will start to care less, until it becomes natural to me... perhaps by then I wont be that obsessive...
When I'm calmed down, I got to digest what you meant and see your point, I feel bad. Why do this little incident cause me to react so big? Is it merely because that I was tired? or does it means that I have so much inside of me that was pressed and exploded at the same time. Even now, I can still feel it. Then it bring back my conversation with dad last night. Can you make me happy? You seems to be carefree about life. You do what you want, as you said. I don't see why not. But, do you care about me enough to make me happy or want to make me happy? I don't know, not yet.
Well... think of the bright side, at least we communicated, although you kinda end it with a shout... Just like my brother... usually ends argument with a shout... sigh... At least you told me what you didn't like, so that I can improve... What can I improve about my obsessiveness? I can feel Muramasa's obsession to Kouga, unhealthy one but to be honest, facinating to me. Ppl will say he is crazy and I know cuz I am crazy too... Cuz to Muramasa, Kouga is everything, and to me, you are almost everything. That is when I am focusing my mind at you, I dig a hole bigger than I can climb out, then I jumped in. Totally not healthy. And SCARY, CREEPY, TERRIBLE. I don't want to be like that... I want to love you, I want you to like what I do for you, I don't want you to feel that about me. Is this another obsession?
What can I do... Someone tell me... I don't want to press it, cuz it aint helping. Maybe I should just love you less, as if I can. I should live back my normal life... then maybe you'll like me more when I pay less attention on you. Cuz you can't handle it, and I can't handle it. The obsession I have... I have to let it go and get myself cure.
I desire you, to a very great extend... But pressuring my desire for you doesn't help. I can hold it for a week, a month, but I cannot hold it forever as it will only built up too much for me. Babe... I have to mentally let you go... let go my desire for you... let go my desire of desiring your present... let go my desire of wanting to be with you so much... I have to let go my stubborn thoughts.... I think God send you to me, for me to face this problem in me. I have to be thankful... and realize the me right now cannot offer you the happiness I wish you to have... I have to get better... get better at letting go. Not the feeling for you, but the way I love you... and the intensity of desiring you. I am not Muramasa. You are not Kouga. We have our separate life... My life does not depend on you... I have to wake up... and do what I need to do... I can do it... I can do it... my "self-diagonized" OCD is a minor one... although it influences me greatly, I can overcome it...
[Betty, go with the flow.][Remember... You are you. I am me.]
I will start to care less, until it becomes natural to me... perhaps by then I wont be that obsessive...
Friday, November 12, 2010
Nao is getting married... feeling complicated
Today, November 12 is a busy busy day~ Even my boss tells me that I look tired.... and I do~ On my way to SSB with Mickey, I saw you in front of 168 Shop. I can't mistaken. I can't, cuz it's you. Em... you were... smoking~ Well, I saw a white stick on your fingers and you move it towards your mouth... I had mixed emotion.. I was glad to see you, but just that mini second til I see what you were doing. Angie told me before. I believe her. I told myself it aint a big deal that will make me stop loving you the way I do. Just didn't know seeing it myself can feel so different. And yet it's a minor thing... It does... maybe it's just our interpretation of quitting is different. Maybe my quit is quit completely, and yours is quit the addict, but do a little is fine... I think I must be in a bad mood, tired, exhausted, and so on... Thought you will be exhaused as I do but... anyways~ I'm glad that you were enjoying time with your friends. What else can I ask for... You are you... I am I...
I felt depressed, never the less. Despair. I told Angie. I guess she must be in a class or something, cuz the only things she replied was "y?" I told her and fell asleep on my bed. And woke up see no response on my phone. I text again, telling Angie that I must just be very tired. Then I went to pick up the fries I left in my office... waste no food. When I went to bath, cuz we have class tonight so we need to get ready, I went back to my text records and I saw that........ I SEND YOU THE TEXT THAT I MEANT TO SEND TO ANGIE... Stupid me always do silly mistakes....... = =... What else I can do... Send you a sorry and please ignore it text... And in the class I was thinking about this and you instead of listening.. sigh. And I found myself pathetically look into my phone to see if you replied anything.... I laugh at myself... What am I thinking... ha...
They distribute Nao's "Happy Biscuit" cuz she is getting married. Shock! Surprise! So happy for her!!! And I can't help but to wonder, when will it be my turn. Just something last month Alan, who is 3 days younger than I, got engaged. Then Nao, who is 2 years younger than I, is getting married by court at December. I'm also really happy that she seems to have gotten her parents' approval. It wont work so easily for me, with anyone... not only you. I feel happy and lonely at the same time... I miss you and I want to be with you... but... but but but~ ha.... I don't think you feel the same... I wonder if you'll ever feel the same... I feel distance from you... and really lonely... feel complicated... It does not lessen the blessing that I have for Naota, I wish her all the best and in love forever. I just hope, one day it can happen to me... And if not.... ... then let it be... Just let whatever be... At that time, I will have my own little dog instead of you, our kids, our home, Kodiak and Zelda, and all the happiness and sorrow I may have if I were to be with you. I love you... I love you helplessly. Someone tell me what to do... I just want your love...
[Where is your heart?] [Can I have it?]...[How can I have it?]
I'm a heartless human being, cuz you have my heart.
But afterall, what can I do? I can only trust in ourselves. tho I have little prove of your caring about me. And hope for what I wish for one day may come true... I miss you so bad... and with this news as stimulus, I'm getting too emotional... I know I need to calm down... I need to go to bed.... now now now.... but I can't stop my tears from falling down... I want you to love me... LOVE ME...
I felt depressed, never the less. Despair. I told Angie. I guess she must be in a class or something, cuz the only things she replied was "y?" I told her and fell asleep on my bed. And woke up see no response on my phone. I text again, telling Angie that I must just be very tired. Then I went to pick up the fries I left in my office... waste no food. When I went to bath, cuz we have class tonight so we need to get ready, I went back to my text records and I saw that........ I SEND YOU THE TEXT THAT I MEANT TO SEND TO ANGIE... Stupid me always do silly mistakes....... = =... What else I can do... Send you a sorry and please ignore it text... And in the class I was thinking about this and you instead of listening.. sigh. And I found myself pathetically look into my phone to see if you replied anything.... I laugh at myself... What am I thinking... ha...
They distribute Nao's "Happy Biscuit" cuz she is getting married. Shock! Surprise! So happy for her!!! And I can't help but to wonder, when will it be my turn. Just something last month Alan, who is 3 days younger than I, got engaged. Then Nao, who is 2 years younger than I, is getting married by court at December. I'm also really happy that she seems to have gotten her parents' approval. It wont work so easily for me, with anyone... not only you. I feel happy and lonely at the same time... I miss you and I want to be with you... but... but but but~ ha.... I don't think you feel the same... I wonder if you'll ever feel the same... I feel distance from you... and really lonely... feel complicated... It does not lessen the blessing that I have for Naota, I wish her all the best and in love forever. I just hope, one day it can happen to me... And if not.... ... then let it be... Just let whatever be... At that time, I will have my own little dog instead of you, our kids, our home, Kodiak and Zelda, and all the happiness and sorrow I may have if I were to be with you. I love you... I love you helplessly. Someone tell me what to do... I just want your love...
[Where is your heart?] [Can I have it?]...[How can I have it?]
I'm a heartless human being, cuz you have my heart.
But afterall, what can I do? I can only trust in ourselves. tho I have little prove of your caring about me. And hope for what I wish for one day may come true... I miss you so bad... and with this news as stimulus, I'm getting too emotional... I know I need to calm down... I need to go to bed.... now now now.... but I can't stop my tears from falling down... I want you to love me... LOVE ME...
Thursday, November 4, 2010
I want to hold you
November had started a while back... and I realize that I had not write much for October. Wonder how much entries will I make during November.
It's been about 10 days fter Hurricane Richard, the garden is now still on its way to recovery. Just the money part need to be worried about... as usual... About you... hum... I don't know what to say. I have that "just go with the flow" mindset... afterall, the reason that you keep me is quite clear... what else should I be expecting. I'm being a little pessmistic here. More than likely, I will get a "sorry, I don't think you are what I'm looking for" or "sorry, I tried but I just can't"... or something like that. Than a... "... .."... just found out that I cannot even put in the words, cuz I've prevented myself to think about it. Though I should have faith... but in what? That you'll end up loving me and keep me with you or that you'll leave? I feel confused... I don't know if I should hope and expect for the best so to have my faith in you? Or should I expect the worst so it causes least damage on me? One thing I'm sure tho... that you don't love me. Just like me, not love... You don't even have to remind me... Anyways... this is not the first time I think about it... so...... let's quit talking all these bullshit of mines.
However, I found myself less nervous to be with you. I can almost be myself. I like this feeling of casualty. I hope it's a good sign. Just hope that we can have more time spend together, as I hope usually.
Yesterday evening, I went to your work again. It's our #8 meet. It was a big rain, so I have to go by taxi, but I only have like... 7 or 8 dollars? You paid for my way back. You took me to that server room... Jeee..... IT'S FREEZING IN THERE!!! I feel like if I spend any much longer in there with my half wet clothings, I gonna get sick... On out way leaving, we walk together to the bus terminal. Is it that we walk fast or that happy time always runs fast? We hold hand, not all the time, on our way. Although I was the one holding yours.... hum... hope soon you'll want to hold my hand without me making the move. We chit chat a little. And you kissed me good bye. Does it appear in my eyes that I want a kiss good bye? Or did you wanted to kiss me? Was a light one tho. But all I can see around is you you you. As if the entire world is only you and me, and I don't care who may see us, but I just want to do the things that lovers would do with you. I caught my taxi and left. You never turn back after you walk away.
Babe babe... I love you... I know you don't cuz you still wont say. Should I stop saying it... cuz I think it kinda made you feel discomfort... knowing that I want to hear the same from you but you cannot tell me what I hope to hear. Maybe I should stop saying it...
I love being with you... How long can this dream goes... Do I have the privilege to fall deeper for you? Am I still in a position to keep dreaming further?... I want you, and it had not changed.
[If casualty is real life, then all I want for us is casualty with you.] Perhaps with some romance.
It's been about 10 days fter Hurricane Richard, the garden is now still on its way to recovery. Just the money part need to be worried about... as usual... About you... hum... I don't know what to say. I have that "just go with the flow" mindset... afterall, the reason that you keep me is quite clear... what else should I be expecting. I'm being a little pessmistic here. More than likely, I will get a "sorry, I don't think you are what I'm looking for" or "sorry, I tried but I just can't"... or something like that. Than a... "... .."... just found out that I cannot even put in the words, cuz I've prevented myself to think about it. Though I should have faith... but in what? That you'll end up loving me and keep me with you or that you'll leave? I feel confused... I don't know if I should hope and expect for the best so to have my faith in you? Or should I expect the worst so it causes least damage on me? One thing I'm sure tho... that you don't love me. Just like me, not love... You don't even have to remind me... Anyways... this is not the first time I think about it... so...... let's quit talking all these bullshit of mines.
However, I found myself less nervous to be with you. I can almost be myself. I like this feeling of casualty. I hope it's a good sign. Just hope that we can have more time spend together, as I hope usually.
Yesterday evening, I went to your work again. It's our #8 meet. It was a big rain, so I have to go by taxi, but I only have like... 7 or 8 dollars? You paid for my way back. You took me to that server room... Jeee..... IT'S FREEZING IN THERE!!! I feel like if I spend any much longer in there with my half wet clothings, I gonna get sick... On out way leaving, we walk together to the bus terminal. Is it that we walk fast or that happy time always runs fast? We hold hand, not all the time, on our way. Although I was the one holding yours.... hum... hope soon you'll want to hold my hand without me making the move. We chit chat a little. And you kissed me good bye. Does it appear in my eyes that I want a kiss good bye? Or did you wanted to kiss me? Was a light one tho. But all I can see around is you you you. As if the entire world is only you and me, and I don't care who may see us, but I just want to do the things that lovers would do with you. I caught my taxi and left. You never turn back after you walk away.
Babe babe... I love you... I know you don't cuz you still wont say. Should I stop saying it... cuz I think it kinda made you feel discomfort... knowing that I want to hear the same from you but you cannot tell me what I hope to hear. Maybe I should stop saying it...
I love being with you... How long can this dream goes... Do I have the privilege to fall deeper for you? Am I still in a position to keep dreaming further?... I want you, and it had not changed.
[If casualty is real life, then all I want for us is casualty with you.] Perhaps with some romance.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Hurricane Richard
Hurricane Richard came and went. Left behind broken and uprooted trees with flying around roof tops and slanted posts. A nightmare of wind and rain. Sorry to say, but the experience is quite new and exciting for me... @@... The only not so good part is to deal with what Richard left behind. Disaster... However, I believe that we should consider ourselves lucky. Although Richard pull us into another financial crisis of the construction we need to deal with the netting, on top of what we already owe for the house. It's really killing... to people's enthusiasm of a better tomorrow. Should I say the same thing again? Keep being positive... things can't get worse... (Although I know things can... but to just keep the little faith I have...?)
Sunday, after a class at home, the family started to get the garden ready for the hurricane. We tied fences of orchids, and pull them together like a fort, section by section. (And if they fly away... guess they will go together too = =) Then I went to bath, cuz it was raining, and I got wet. Then dinner. Then laptop... and then.... black out... O_O.. Well, I guess it's normal to have black out in a hurricane. I mean, even for safety measure, we wont want to get shock of various reason... so, black out... I then check my phone which I left by my room. Your text!! From when @@!!?? How comes I didn't check earlier!!!! I texted you back... I know that I can sleep well with a smile on my face, cuz I heard from you, and you say.... "I miss you baby"~~ That was so sweet... I miss you too, always. Around 9, bed time. I wonder if you will sleep at regular time, since the hurricane may have an influence... but I still texted you good night, no reply.. hum maybe you're busy with the storm or slept already? Later... hurricane gets near... trees around the house dancing, some cannot withstand the intensity and fell... especially those big old trees... book shelf fell... water sipping through the doors caps... front door, back door, 2nd floor stair door... we see the posts for garden netting are tilted... hearts down to the drain... terrible. I feel scared. I miss you... I want to be with you... although I shouldn't want to pull you into any unpleasant situation... but if I'm with you, maybe I will feel better. So I texted again... third text... no reply. I miss you... After we kinda do all we can do, we went to bed. I did carried a smile with me, thinking about you and your text.
Next morning, Monday, scene was terrible, just the garden itself... I send you another text, no redly. I hope that you are ok. Monday was cleaning day, we rearrange the plants since the netting fell along with the tilted posts... Mom say, at least ten thousands had gone in a few hours... Ay... But... but... at least the plants are unharmed.
Tuesday... report back to work... Still nothing from you... so worried. I send another text... tell you to please reply me when you see it. So worried... and kinda frustrated... Mixed emotion... plz plz... let it only be that still blackout at your area so you hadn't charged your phone... or .... I don't know... please be ok.... no reply... You better don't do it intentionally or just ignore my message, cuz I'm worried the hell outta me, and it ain't a heavenly feeling. No reply.
Today, Wednesday... I cannot hold it any more.... why does my emotion grow so intense?? I called your office around 10:10... I was so nervous and hope that you won't get angry... >__< Jeez... I can feel myself trembling... @@... why does this matter of making a phone call have such a great influence on me? I called, and my heart exceed its speed limit... a gentleman answer and I asked for you. He said that you are in a meeting and will be out in 30 minutes or 1 hour. And asked if I would like to leave a message. I didn't left a message... I mean, what should I say when I shouldn't be calling at the first place? In whose name should I leave, when I'm a total stranger to ppl around you... What if they asked who am I to you... will that caused you inconvenience... ... Anyways, I was glad to hear that you are in a meeting. That means you are fine... and you will contact me when you have the time to... I bet you have a million and one things to do... I bet that... maybe you hadn't charge your phone yet, cuz I just saw that my friend by West Landivar just got electricity. Maybe you want to contact me when things on your hands are not that full, so you can enjoy your time with me... Maybe you're punishing me for not reply you right away when you said you miss me? Maybe you got so caught up with everything, and forgot to text me... Maybe your phone fell into water during the storm, and didn't got my text at all... @@ But you should know that I must have been worried... that that feeling is killing me. that with this crazy imagination I have, as you know, it's not helping me one bit after seeing what people's house become... but I know, I have a feeling that you are safe and alive... I just wanted to make sure... so I don't need to worry about it... Selfish Betty again eh.....?
I'm glad to find out that you are working. So, I didn't called back... Merely knowing your existence is good. Now, I will wait for you to contact me, cuz I think I send too much text...@@ I don't want to break your limit... I mean, you will contact me when you want to, right...
[Babe, I miss you too, and a lot. Please don't let me wait too long.]
Sunday, after a class at home, the family started to get the garden ready for the hurricane. We tied fences of orchids, and pull them together like a fort, section by section. (And if they fly away... guess they will go together too = =) Then I went to bath, cuz it was raining, and I got wet. Then dinner. Then laptop... and then.... black out... O_O.. Well, I guess it's normal to have black out in a hurricane. I mean, even for safety measure, we wont want to get shock of various reason... so, black out... I then check my phone which I left by my room. Your text!! From when @@!!?? How comes I didn't check earlier!!!! I texted you back... I know that I can sleep well with a smile on my face, cuz I heard from you, and you say.... "I miss you baby"~~ That was so sweet... I miss you too, always. Around 9, bed time. I wonder if you will sleep at regular time, since the hurricane may have an influence... but I still texted you good night, no reply.. hum maybe you're busy with the storm or slept already? Later... hurricane gets near... trees around the house dancing, some cannot withstand the intensity and fell... especially those big old trees... book shelf fell... water sipping through the doors caps... front door, back door, 2nd floor stair door... we see the posts for garden netting are tilted... hearts down to the drain... terrible. I feel scared. I miss you... I want to be with you... although I shouldn't want to pull you into any unpleasant situation... but if I'm with you, maybe I will feel better. So I texted again... third text... no reply. I miss you... After we kinda do all we can do, we went to bed. I did carried a smile with me, thinking about you and your text.
Next morning, Monday, scene was terrible, just the garden itself... I send you another text, no redly. I hope that you are ok. Monday was cleaning day, we rearrange the plants since the netting fell along with the tilted posts... Mom say, at least ten thousands had gone in a few hours... Ay... But... but... at least the plants are unharmed.
Tuesday... report back to work... Still nothing from you... so worried. I send another text... tell you to please reply me when you see it. So worried... and kinda frustrated... Mixed emotion... plz plz... let it only be that still blackout at your area so you hadn't charged your phone... or .... I don't know... please be ok.... no reply... You better don't do it intentionally or just ignore my message, cuz I'm worried the hell outta me, and it ain't a heavenly feeling. No reply.
Today, Wednesday... I cannot hold it any more.... why does my emotion grow so intense?? I called your office around 10:10... I was so nervous and hope that you won't get angry... >__< Jeez... I can feel myself trembling... @@... why does this matter of making a phone call have such a great influence on me? I called, and my heart exceed its speed limit... a gentleman answer and I asked for you. He said that you are in a meeting and will be out in 30 minutes or 1 hour. And asked if I would like to leave a message. I didn't left a message... I mean, what should I say when I shouldn't be calling at the first place? In whose name should I leave, when I'm a total stranger to ppl around you... What if they asked who am I to you... will that caused you inconvenience... ... Anyways, I was glad to hear that you are in a meeting. That means you are fine... and you will contact me when you have the time to... I bet you have a million and one things to do... I bet that... maybe you hadn't charge your phone yet, cuz I just saw that my friend by West Landivar just got electricity. Maybe you want to contact me when things on your hands are not that full, so you can enjoy your time with me... Maybe you're punishing me for not reply you right away when you said you miss me? Maybe you got so caught up with everything, and forgot to text me... Maybe your phone fell into water during the storm, and didn't got my text at all... @@ But you should know that I must have been worried... that that feeling is killing me. that with this crazy imagination I have, as you know, it's not helping me one bit after seeing what people's house become... but I know, I have a feeling that you are safe and alive... I just wanted to make sure... so I don't need to worry about it... Selfish Betty again eh.....?
I'm glad to find out that you are working. So, I didn't called back... Merely knowing your existence is good. Now, I will wait for you to contact me, cuz I think I send too much text...@@ I don't want to break your limit... I mean, you will contact me when you want to, right...
[Babe, I miss you too, and a lot. Please don't let me wait too long.]
Saturday, October 23, 2010
Love the chat
I got a text from you last night when I was doing my speech presentation. Well, of course I saw it after the presentation and then was about 11:30. You had already slept. But I still texted back, so you can get it as soon as you wake up the next day.
Went to City today to take granny to eye doctor, dropped her off my Mama Chen, so that she can spend an elder lady chat time with the granny (Mama Chen's mom) over there. Then we went to do some shopping. Went to new Brodies, that's how we call it, around your home. We like to go there, usually have everything that we look for, especially cosmetics. I got granny's medication, my missed Neutrogena lotion and Neutrogena Alchohol-free toner... looks like I love Neutrogena huh~ When we left from there, we passed by your street, and I took a glimpse at your home. Wish I can go and just get some hugs and some kisses form you. Na... I started with a glimpse of your home, then I want to go meet you. Then I will want to hug and kiss you. Then I will want to spend more time with you. Then... then... then... You're a big temptation. Although I'm a little upset about hearing Angie said that she saw you smoking in front of your office. After tossing my mind around and around, I guess... there is nothing that I can do now... and I don't think you'll let me to... Just want to say... Babe, smoking is not good for you... and I really don't like it...
This aftersoon, as soon as I got home, I got a text from you. Kinda like a reply I send yesterday. You're waiting for a hair cut... I guess that's why you texted... to kill time eh? Anyways, I like it still. That you thought about me to kill time with, that I can be of help, that I have chance to chat with you. We talk little about what we usually converse. I told you a long list of things that I want to do with you... and babe, that aint all. I want you to really accept me into your life by introducing me to your family and friends as girlfriend. I want to take you home and let my family and friends know about you. I want to be able to go to events with you, or at least that I dont need to find excuses to go and see you. I want to be with you as a family. I want to have our babies. I want to travel with you. I want to go to Italy with you. I want to take you to Taiwan and let my relatives know about you. I want to show you the night market. I want to go with manga or animation expo with you. I want to see you enjoying in the manga or animation world. I want to see you enjoy playing your games. I want to give crazy ideas of the business you plan to establish. I want to walk dogs with you. I want to give you a real morning or night kiss. I want to introduce you to Angie, and hopefully you and Edward can have some geeky stuff to talk about when we do our lady chat. I want to cook different dishes for you.. and amend Western dishes into vegi style... I want to... I want to....
I want to do many things with you... so many...
I hope I can have the chance.
[Love me... I will treasure your love like no one else.]
Went to City today to take granny to eye doctor, dropped her off my Mama Chen, so that she can spend an elder lady chat time with the granny (Mama Chen's mom) over there. Then we went to do some shopping. Went to new Brodies, that's how we call it, around your home. We like to go there, usually have everything that we look for, especially cosmetics. I got granny's medication, my missed Neutrogena lotion and Neutrogena Alchohol-free toner... looks like I love Neutrogena huh~ When we left from there, we passed by your street, and I took a glimpse at your home. Wish I can go and just get some hugs and some kisses form you. Na... I started with a glimpse of your home, then I want to go meet you. Then I will want to hug and kiss you. Then I will want to spend more time with you. Then... then... then... You're a big temptation. Although I'm a little upset about hearing Angie said that she saw you smoking in front of your office. After tossing my mind around and around, I guess... there is nothing that I can do now... and I don't think you'll let me to... Just want to say... Babe, smoking is not good for you... and I really don't like it...
This aftersoon, as soon as I got home, I got a text from you. Kinda like a reply I send yesterday. You're waiting for a hair cut... I guess that's why you texted... to kill time eh? Anyways, I like it still. That you thought about me to kill time with, that I can be of help, that I have chance to chat with you. We talk little about what we usually converse. I told you a long list of things that I want to do with you... and babe, that aint all. I want you to really accept me into your life by introducing me to your family and friends as girlfriend. I want to take you home and let my family and friends know about you. I want to be able to go to events with you, or at least that I dont need to find excuses to go and see you. I want to be with you as a family. I want to have our babies. I want to travel with you. I want to go to Italy with you. I want to take you to Taiwan and let my relatives know about you. I want to show you the night market. I want to go with manga or animation expo with you. I want to see you enjoying in the manga or animation world. I want to see you enjoy playing your games. I want to give crazy ideas of the business you plan to establish. I want to walk dogs with you. I want to give you a real morning or night kiss. I want to introduce you to Angie, and hopefully you and Edward can have some geeky stuff to talk about when we do our lady chat. I want to cook different dishes for you.. and amend Western dishes into vegi style... I want to... I want to....
I want to do many things with you... so many...
I hope I can have the chance.
[Love me... I will treasure your love like no one else.]
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Short meet #7
Thursday afternoon. About 5:20 you texted me to see where I was. I was still in the office. Have a workshop on Friday, so I was finishing up some work and prepare for the day after. You asked if I wanted to go and have a to see you for a while. Of course I am going!!! ^o^~ Hurry you said... So I was like flying, glad that rush hour had kinda passed consider the little vehicles Belmopan has, so I was able to get there smoothly, and quick. Happened that you went to Punta Gorda and had just returned, so you're going home late. And, I guess you have a little extra time before your bus. :) Doesn't matter, I'm merely glad that you suggest the meet.
It's the first time I stepped into your office. And I saw your Kuchiki Byakua figure on your desk. (to actually say out the name is kinda odd for me) Em... I feel sorry for you that you have to find topic to talk about when you're with me... I got very quiet ><~ You played with my ring, the one that remind me of your ear-rings. Apparently, my "sometimes-does-fly-away" rings is even too small for your pinky... like... can only go in half-way, while I can put it on thumb... @@ I like to look at you, maybe because I don't have much chance to. And you kept on ask me "what"... and I got very shy... >///< ay... I just like to look at you, and feel that I'm with you man~~~ ><~~ You are a little sick. You have sensitive teeth, so it hurts when you need to suck hard to give me a vamp... so... next time... (hum.. but if it hurts you, maybe I just shouldn't ask...) But you left a slight slight vamp on my neck, can hardly see it. Like a mosquito vamp. And you hurt my tongue when we kissed (is that the Italian style??) Maybe I'm crazy (Yes you do say that I am crazy), but even now when I feel the hurt on my tongue, I remembered that you've caused with a wild kiss, and that made me smile... >///< Oh yes, by the way, I sat on your lap. I love the closeness, and feel your arm around me. I want to be yours... I love hugs, I guess you found that out. I love the comfortable and loving feeling of hugs. It calms me down, and feel accepted. And I'm glad that you enjoy your time with me. And sorry that you missed your bus again and had to take regular bus... ><
I remember you walking toward bus station and say to me. "Nice seeing you today..." It's all worth it...
I told you two times... shily (I tried to look into your eyes, but I just feel so very shy) "I love you"~ You just smiled... Your smiles are beautiful. I want to frame it. I want to make you happy, and smile or laugh more.... I will always do..... Babe, I'm falling deeper for you.
It's the first time I stepped into your office. And I saw your Kuchiki Byakua figure on your desk. (to actually say out the name is kinda odd for me) Em... I feel sorry for you that you have to find topic to talk about when you're with me... I got very quiet ><~ You played with my ring, the one that remind me of your ear-rings. Apparently, my "sometimes-does-fly-away" rings is even too small for your pinky... like... can only go in half-way, while I can put it on thumb... @@ I like to look at you, maybe because I don't have much chance to. And you kept on ask me "what"... and I got very shy... >///< ay... I just like to look at you, and feel that I'm with you man~~~ ><~~ You are a little sick. You have sensitive teeth, so it hurts when you need to suck hard to give me a vamp... so... next time... (hum.. but if it hurts you, maybe I just shouldn't ask...) But you left a slight slight vamp on my neck, can hardly see it. Like a mosquito vamp. And you hurt my tongue when we kissed (is that the Italian style??) Maybe I'm crazy (Yes you do say that I am crazy), but even now when I feel the hurt on my tongue, I remembered that you've caused with a wild kiss, and that made me smile... >///< Oh yes, by the way, I sat on your lap. I love the closeness, and feel your arm around me. I want to be yours... I love hugs, I guess you found that out. I love the comfortable and loving feeling of hugs. It calms me down, and feel accepted. And I'm glad that you enjoy your time with me. And sorry that you missed your bus again and had to take regular bus... ><
I remember you walking toward bus station and say to me. "Nice seeing you today..." It's all worth it...
I told you two times... shily (I tried to look into your eyes, but I just feel so very shy) "I love you"~ You just smiled... Your smiles are beautiful. I want to frame it. I want to make you happy, and smile or laugh more.... I will always do..... Babe, I'm falling deeper for you.
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
A week later
Hadn't heard from you for a while again. And I had not text back since... Well, it's not that long as I imagine or feel... Just a few days. You are on the lost again. I've been thinking. Maybe you got frightened by my sudden "I love you". Or you just want to keep a distance and try not to let me fall deeper. Or you are just be your normal self again, cold as you claimed. Whichever is the case, let it be. It's not like I gonna take back my words.
I have also been thinking. About us. This space you allowed is good for chill down, really. I don't specifically love it, but I think I am doing better with you. I think about you less by mean of quantity, but not less by mean of quality. Maybe because I was focus on one of these long long time ago manga. I've been reading a famous Japanese manga that started to get published like 30 years ago, and it had not finished. It's not that long as Naruto or Bleach or One Piece, because it does not get published by chapter, but by book. The drawing is detailed and the character is beautiful. Well, one of those classic back in the days. Yes, that is why I miss you less, as I also spend time on playing Facebook game. This one actually can have spouse and child by complete missions... Of course I name "my spouse" with your initials, and the child is to be born yet... but anyways it wont be a game of reality... I mean, you working in the farm and scare away bear? na~~~ Also, I also worked on my speech... Although it's like a revision of what my mom had done before, but I need to make it my own. I've been procrastinate it for a while now, and I need to present it in two weeks' time. So these are what I have been doing lately.
What have you been up to lately? During the long weekend, how have you been? Have life throws you a pleasant ball? I hope you are doing well... As I've put on my twitter a while back... Whether you are to be with me or not, I want you to be happy. And this will never change. I hope you are doing fine... and of course I also hope that you think about me from time to time.
I have also been thinking. About us. This space you allowed is good for chill down, really. I don't specifically love it, but I think I am doing better with you. I think about you less by mean of quantity, but not less by mean of quality. Maybe because I was focus on one of these long long time ago manga. I've been reading a famous Japanese manga that started to get published like 30 years ago, and it had not finished. It's not that long as Naruto or Bleach or One Piece, because it does not get published by chapter, but by book. The drawing is detailed and the character is beautiful. Well, one of those classic back in the days. Yes, that is why I miss you less, as I also spend time on playing Facebook game. This one actually can have spouse and child by complete missions... Of course I name "my spouse" with your initials, and the child is to be born yet... but anyways it wont be a game of reality... I mean, you working in the farm and scare away bear? na~~~ Also, I also worked on my speech... Although it's like a revision of what my mom had done before, but I need to make it my own. I've been procrastinate it for a while now, and I need to present it in two weeks' time. So these are what I have been doing lately.
What have you been up to lately? During the long weekend, how have you been? Have life throws you a pleasant ball? I hope you are doing well... As I've put on my twitter a while back... Whether you are to be with me or not, I want you to be happy. And this will never change. I hope you are doing fine... and of course I also hope that you think about me from time to time.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
I love you
Today, I told you that I love you... I finally did! I thought I will not say it until you tell me first, and making sure that it wont cause you any trouble... guess I decided to give it... Did I cause any pressure on you...? I don't want that... ... starting to wonder if I should let out the word on you that soon...
I said that I want to tell you personally, but you seems don't like to hang on that "wondering what I will say" feeling, I mean who would... so you insisted me to tell you what I want to say at that moment through text... although I want to tell you personally. Guess I will say it personally too... gosh~ suddenly feel so shy... >/////<
You gave me a smile and said thanks... nothing after that for today tho... but at least you give me a smile... ha ha~ I can sleep well tonight....
I love you, babe...
and I miss you a lot again...
I said that I want to tell you personally, but you seems don't like to hang on that "wondering what I will say" feeling, I mean who would... so you insisted me to tell you what I want to say at that moment through text... although I want to tell you personally. Guess I will say it personally too... gosh~ suddenly feel so shy... >/////<
You gave me a smile and said thanks... nothing after that for today tho... but at least you give me a smile... ha ha~ I can sleep well tonight....
I love you, babe...
and I miss you a lot again...
Friday, October 1, 2010
A short meet #6
Yesterday afternoon... ha ha~~
You said you never stayed after work, but you will stay after for me. So I rush over with my bike. The bicycle rack is no where to be found...@@ Aw~~ I see you! I see you!! The one that had been haunting my mind for so many weeks. You are still your normal self. With your yellow and black shirt too~ ha~~ I lock up the bike downstairs. And we spend our little time together... I can't stop kissing and hugging you, and tell you how much I miss you. Most of the time you stayed silent, but I satisfy because I am with you, and you are smiling to me. I love how you hold my hand so tight, and kiss me til I lost my mind... >/////< But you still have to go home and so we had to greet goodbye... Time spend with you feels like flying~~ I relive our sweet moments in my mind for ample times. So last night, when I am alone I smile~ with that sweet smile thinking about you~ with that type of smile that someone would know that I'm so happy thinking about someone dearly. Oh~ I love you~ and I miss you too~
I hope to see you soon babe...
You said you never stayed after work, but you will stay after for me. So I rush over with my bike. The bicycle rack is no where to be found...@@ Aw~~ I see you! I see you!! The one that had been haunting my mind for so many weeks. You are still your normal self. With your yellow and black shirt too~ ha~~ I lock up the bike downstairs. And we spend our little time together... I can't stop kissing and hugging you, and tell you how much I miss you. Most of the time you stayed silent, but I satisfy because I am with you, and you are smiling to me. I love how you hold my hand so tight, and kiss me til I lost my mind... >/////< But you still have to go home and so we had to greet goodbye... Time spend with you feels like flying~~ I relive our sweet moments in my mind for ample times. So last night, when I am alone I smile~ with that sweet smile thinking about you~ with that type of smile that someone would know that I'm so happy thinking about someone dearly. Oh~ I love you~ and I miss you too~
I hope to see you soon babe...
Thursday, September 30, 2010
=)
Had a good sleep last night.
It's such a nice feeling to fall asleep when someone made you smile even when you're lying alone by yourself. And even possible in your dream. Ha~~ And that person is you. Hope one day I can really wake up beside you. I know Angie will use the expression that I'll be "so happy that I can almost die"~ (In Mandarin we only need 2 words to express the term...) Ha~ I love my random day-dreams.
You are your usual self, a bit cold. But I think that is fine. I hope this hype mode and good feeling last for a while on me~ Babe, you can get as much affection as you want from me~ I think I let you know that I love you... >///<... Anyways, since future is not guaranteed, and since there may not be a tomorrow for us, I'll just give you my affection as much as I go along everyday. So I wont have regret that I hadn't let you know my feelings. So that I can hold on to the fleeting time we have, and make it a blast, at least for me. And who knows, maybe you'll feel more for me after time. The idea of be with you made me happy. I appreciate your present in my life. I love you~ I love you!!
It's such a nice feeling to fall asleep when someone made you smile even when you're lying alone by yourself. And even possible in your dream. Ha~~ And that person is you. Hope one day I can really wake up beside you. I know Angie will use the expression that I'll be "so happy that I can almost die"~ (In Mandarin we only need 2 words to express the term...) Ha~ I love my random day-dreams.
You are your usual self, a bit cold. But I think that is fine. I hope this hype mode and good feeling last for a while on me~ Babe, you can get as much affection as you want from me~ I think I let you know that I love you... >///<... Anyways, since future is not guaranteed, and since there may not be a tomorrow for us, I'll just give you my affection as much as I go along everyday. So I wont have regret that I hadn't let you know my feelings. So that I can hold on to the fleeting time we have, and make it a blast, at least for me. And who knows, maybe you'll feel more for me after time. The idea of be with you made me happy. I appreciate your present in my life. I love you~ I love you!!
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
breaking
I think I just made myself your toy... I am yours.... for now
I can feel myself... breaking down... piece by piece... endless
Risk I am taking... might as well let me lost myself...
Heading to self destruction...?
I wonder if I love you too much... that I don't love myself anymore...
...
......
.........
Maybe it's not as bad as I thought...
You're my boyfriend again. That's all I need to know.
I am able to enjoy watching your pictures and smile to myself... =)
Afterall, I do love myself. Cuz simply knowing that I'm with you makes me happy...
I can feel myself... breaking down... piece by piece... endless
Risk I am taking... might as well let me lost myself...
Heading to self destruction...?
I wonder if I love you too much... that I don't love myself anymore...
...
......
.........
Maybe it's not as bad as I thought...
You're my boyfriend again. That's all I need to know.
I am able to enjoy watching your pictures and smile to myself... =)
Afterall, I do love myself. Cuz simply knowing that I'm with you makes me happy...
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
...
[Why do I need to wake up...] so maybe there is a chance for the endless tomorrow...?
I tried to hold back, and managed keep away from most of our memories, yet tears drop on my pillow. One after the other. My face was emotionless, but my tears tell everything.
The other hard part is to wake up in the morning the next day, which in this case is today. I need to hide my swollen eyes and act normal as I would in my regular days, both at home and at work. If I live alone then I wouldn't need to face something like this, and I can call in sick... emotionally hurt could do for the excuse... Anyways, that is why I wouldn't cry all out... save troubles for the next day. And my dignity... I will not allow it to be stepped upon. I choose to be with you no matter what other people says, tho rarely anyone know about it. So, when I'm hurt, I have no right to turn to my family and friend and seek for a shoulder to cry on, and ask for comfort. When you don't take advice from someone, you loose the right to break in front of them when things go as they've warned... And I will not give in... as I did... to save a relationship. I've did it once, it didn't work... wont happen again... wont... wont...
I'm glad you still like me tho... At least... at least... That is like a fire that don't want to be extinguished. Where do this lead to... I'm not certain how this friendship thinging will work out... Maybe I will try to gain back my weight a few weeks from now... cuz I don't have appetite, I only want to vomit...
I tried to hold back, and managed keep away from most of our memories, yet tears drop on my pillow. One after the other. My face was emotionless, but my tears tell everything.
The other hard part is to wake up in the morning the next day, which in this case is today. I need to hide my swollen eyes and act normal as I would in my regular days, both at home and at work. If I live alone then I wouldn't need to face something like this, and I can call in sick... emotionally hurt could do for the excuse... Anyways, that is why I wouldn't cry all out... save troubles for the next day. And my dignity... I will not allow it to be stepped upon. I choose to be with you no matter what other people says, tho rarely anyone know about it. So, when I'm hurt, I have no right to turn to my family and friend and seek for a shoulder to cry on, and ask for comfort. When you don't take advice from someone, you loose the right to break in front of them when things go as they've warned... And I will not give in... as I did... to save a relationship. I've did it once, it didn't work... wont happen again... wont... wont...
I'm glad you still like me tho... At least... at least... That is like a fire that don't want to be extinguished. Where do this lead to... I'm not certain how this friendship thinging will work out... Maybe I will try to gain back my weight a few weeks from now... cuz I don't have appetite, I only want to vomit...
Monday, September 27, 2010
It's over...
It hurts...
It hurts to not allowing myself to feel the pain I have hidden...
It hurts to know that I had mask my feeling and run away from it... just so that those around me wont be worrying.
I force back my tears, though some slipped through... My heart is like a bomb now... Don't push further.
I wish I can have a day off from the mask... and cry my guts out til I got lost of myself and don't need to answer any question why I'd do that... I want to get tears wasted...
......
I dreamt about you this morning. That we two got engaged and you gave me a purple ear-ring. Yes one ear-ring... I woke up this morning... have that feeling that something will happen today... I forgot my cell-phone home. The day went through quite ok. I even drew us when I was bored in a meeting... Somehow I have a good feeling... even without my cellphone. Get back home almost 6. One missed called and one unread message. The message was from you. Got me excited as I open the text. I changed my cloth, realized afterward that it made the same suit when I return from our first date. the conversation leads to a rather serious one... No arguing, just talking... needless to mention... where it leads to...
2 months and 17 days... starting today, we are only friends. I don't even want to go to the b**** u* word...
Well... at least you didn't carried it further... at least you have a heart. I feel the pain... who wouldn't... I'm been left behind again... ha~ blame myself... I don't know what do you want me to think about the reason you gave me... that you are not emotionally stable enough to be in a relationship. You are not with someone else... I don't know what to feel about myself. I just feel... depressed and mixed with other emotions...
Today I tell myself... that I will cry for no man... unless they are dying or dead... but we are dying everyday... so maybe I can cry a little....? It's so hard to hold it back... The rain that pours down suit my feeling tonight. I want to hide in the rain and cry. Let my sweetness and our memories melt along with the rain... I think this is how people turned cold-hearted... cuz their heart had died for so many times, and it refused to be revived again or scared to taste the warmth knowing what may follows...
I'll take my time... I gave myself til the end of this year. Hopefully by then my pain will wear out silently by itself... it hurts... a lot... a whole lot...
At least... you still like me... [sigh...]
.............
“Yes I love him. I love him more than anything else in this world and there is nothing that I would like better than to hold on to him forever. But I know it's not for the best. So no matter how much my heart is going to break, I've got to let him go so he can know just how much I love him. Maybe if I'm lucky, he'll come back, but if not, I can make it through this.”-Anonymous
It hurts to not allowing myself to feel the pain I have hidden...
It hurts to know that I had mask my feeling and run away from it... just so that those around me wont be worrying.
I force back my tears, though some slipped through... My heart is like a bomb now... Don't push further.
I wish I can have a day off from the mask... and cry my guts out til I got lost of myself and don't need to answer any question why I'd do that... I want to get tears wasted...
......
I dreamt about you this morning. That we two got engaged and you gave me a purple ear-ring. Yes one ear-ring... I woke up this morning... have that feeling that something will happen today... I forgot my cell-phone home. The day went through quite ok. I even drew us when I was bored in a meeting... Somehow I have a good feeling... even without my cellphone. Get back home almost 6. One missed called and one unread message. The message was from you. Got me excited as I open the text. I changed my cloth, realized afterward that it made the same suit when I return from our first date. the conversation leads to a rather serious one... No arguing, just talking... needless to mention... where it leads to...
2 months and 17 days... starting today, we are only friends. I don't even want to go to the b**** u* word...
Well... at least you didn't carried it further... at least you have a heart. I feel the pain... who wouldn't... I'm been left behind again... ha~ blame myself... I don't know what do you want me to think about the reason you gave me... that you are not emotionally stable enough to be in a relationship. You are not with someone else... I don't know what to feel about myself. I just feel... depressed and mixed with other emotions...
Today I tell myself... that I will cry for no man... unless they are dying or dead... but we are dying everyday... so maybe I can cry a little....? It's so hard to hold it back... The rain that pours down suit my feeling tonight. I want to hide in the rain and cry. Let my sweetness and our memories melt along with the rain... I think this is how people turned cold-hearted... cuz their heart had died for so many times, and it refused to be revived again or scared to taste the warmth knowing what may follows...
I'll take my time... I gave myself til the end of this year. Hopefully by then my pain will wear out silently by itself... it hurts... a lot... a whole lot...
At least... you still like me... [sigh...]
.............
“Yes I love him. I love him more than anything else in this world and there is nothing that I would like better than to hold on to him forever. But I know it's not for the best. So no matter how much my heart is going to break, I've got to let him go so he can know just how much I love him. Maybe if I'm lucky, he'll come back, but if not, I can make it through this.”-Anonymous
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
寂寞寂寞就好 - Hebe
I don't know what should I feel... But I feel lonely...
==================================
寂寞寂寞就好 - 田馥甄 (Hebe)
詞/曲：施人誠/楊子樸
編曲：鍾興民
製作人：呂禎晃、郭文宗
還是原來那個我 不過流掉幾公升淚所以變瘦
對著鏡子我承諾 遲早我會還這張臉一堆笑容
不算什麼 愛錯就愛錯
早點認錯 早一點解脫
我寂寞寂寞就好 這時候誰都別來安慰擁抱
就讓我一個人去 痛到 受不了 想到 快瘋掉
死不了就還好
我寂寞寂寞就好 你真的不用來我回憶裡微笑
我就不相信我會 笨到 忘不了 賴著 不放掉
人本來就寂寞的 借來的都該還掉
我總會把你戒掉
還是原來那個你 是我自己做夢你有改變什麼
再多的愛也沒用 每個人有每個人的業障因果
會有什麼 什麼都沒有
早點看破 才看得見以後
我寂寞寂寞就好 這時候誰都別來安慰擁抱
就讓我一個人去 痛到 受不了 想到 快瘋掉
死不了就還好
我寂寞寂寞就好 你真的不用來我回憶裡微笑
我就不相信我會 笨到 忘不了 賴著 不放掉
人本來就寂寞的 我總會把你戒掉
==================================
寂寞寂寞就好 - 田馥甄 (Hebe)
詞/曲：施人誠/楊子樸
編曲：鍾興民
製作人：呂禎晃、郭文宗
還是原來那個我 不過流掉幾公升淚所以變瘦
對著鏡子我承諾 遲早我會還這張臉一堆笑容
不算什麼 愛錯就愛錯
早點認錯 早一點解脫
我寂寞寂寞就好 這時候誰都別來安慰擁抱
就讓我一個人去 痛到 受不了 想到 快瘋掉
死不了就還好
我寂寞寂寞就好 你真的不用來我回憶裡微笑
我就不相信我會 笨到 忘不了 賴著 不放掉
人本來就寂寞的 借來的都該還掉
我總會把你戒掉
還是原來那個你 是我自己做夢你有改變什麼
再多的愛也沒用 每個人有每個人的業障因果
會有什麼 什麼都沒有
早點看破 才看得見以後
我寂寞寂寞就好 這時候誰都別來安慰擁抱
就讓我一個人去 痛到 受不了 想到 快瘋掉
死不了就還好
我寂寞寂寞就好 你真的不用來我回憶裡微笑
我就不相信我會 笨到 忘不了 賴著 不放掉
人本來就寂寞的 我總會把你戒掉
Sunday, September 19, 2010
uncertainty
I feel suffocated...
Went to mall and saw someone with your similar feature~ maybe what you will look similar to when you loose some weight... Got me wondering what will it feels if we go shopping together... what will it feels like if we appear together in public as a couple... My heart beats gets faster... and faster... Deep down, I think I am not good enough for you. And since apparently you don't love me, I scared that you're only putting up with me... Somewhat I have low self-esteem... Maybe due to my past experience... who says past experience never influences, it certainly does. I agree with what Angie says about attractiveness in self-confident, and I believe that's one of the reasons why I fell for you. (oh I need to put that into the list...) However, I have been thinking and wondering if I am ready to have a family of my own, raise children of my own, and be with someone I deeply love for the rest of my live. I fantasize, but I can't say that I am ready. One learn during the process of maintaining a family and raise up children. Guess I can never say that I am fully ready. And then I reflect on how little we know about each other. I know you less than your not-so-close friends. This commitment will be a rather rush one at this stage of relationship. Though, I really look forward and fantasize my life with you... And my daydreaming got me carried away for a short while. But, with those fantasies, day-dreams and the uncertainty I feel... those ain't the main reason for my feeling of suffocation...
The reason is... I don't know what you want. If your need time to think is to seriously putting into consideration about our relationship, or if you're just slowing letting me go. I dislike this feeling of uncertainty, rather than the previous mentioned one. And I dislike my devil haunting me in my mind, luring me towards my negative feeling and low self-esteem. With the previous mentioned uncertainty, I know I can make things better if I try, but this one is totally up to you... to tell me my destiny with you. "I can't make you love me, if you don't. You can't make your heart feel something it won't." - lyric from I Can't Make You Love Me.
Babe... please tell me what you want... With this uncertainty of your intention, I feel scared. I feel nervous. I feel sad. I... I don't know what feeling I should possess. But I want you to be happy. So... please tell me what you want...
[I hope you love me.](...or feel for me, even a slightest bit...)
Went to mall and saw someone with your similar feature~ maybe what you will look similar to when you loose some weight... Got me wondering what will it feels if we go shopping together... what will it feels like if we appear together in public as a couple... My heart beats gets faster... and faster... Deep down, I think I am not good enough for you. And since apparently you don't love me, I scared that you're only putting up with me... Somewhat I have low self-esteem... Maybe due to my past experience... who says past experience never influences, it certainly does. I agree with what Angie says about attractiveness in self-confident, and I believe that's one of the reasons why I fell for you. (oh I need to put that into the list...) However, I have been thinking and wondering if I am ready to have a family of my own, raise children of my own, and be with someone I deeply love for the rest of my live. I fantasize, but I can't say that I am ready. One learn during the process of maintaining a family and raise up children. Guess I can never say that I am fully ready. And then I reflect on how little we know about each other. I know you less than your not-so-close friends. This commitment will be a rather rush one at this stage of relationship. Though, I really look forward and fantasize my life with you... And my daydreaming got me carried away for a short while. But, with those fantasies, day-dreams and the uncertainty I feel... those ain't the main reason for my feeling of suffocation...
The reason is... I don't know what you want. If your need time to think is to seriously putting into consideration about our relationship, or if you're just slowing letting me go. I dislike this feeling of uncertainty, rather than the previous mentioned one. And I dislike my devil haunting me in my mind, luring me towards my negative feeling and low self-esteem. With the previous mentioned uncertainty, I know I can make things better if I try, but this one is totally up to you... to tell me my destiny with you. "I can't make you love me, if you don't. You can't make your heart feel something it won't." - lyric from I Can't Make You Love Me.
Babe... please tell me what you want... With this uncertainty of your intention, I feel scared. I feel nervous. I feel sad. I... I don't know what feeling I should possess. But I want you to be happy. So... please tell me what you want...
[I hope you love me.](...or feel for me, even a slightest bit...)
Saturday, September 18, 2010
4 days... "Another Day" - Paramore
It's only been 4 days, since you said that you need time to think... Your confusion cause me to confuse too... I don't know what to think. I don't know if I should have faith or don't keep up my hope. I don't know what you are thinking. I don't know what to do... I'm feeling like a zombie, still no rotten flesh and bad breathe tho. I feel hollow... as if I am sinking into an endless black hole, don't know where I am going, what I should be doing, what I should be thinking...
Head off to bed now... It proves that mental stress is more dreadful than physical one... worse is that when one is not physical tired... tossing around on bed seems inevitable, and mental stress became worse... Why am I giving myself stress.....
Anyways, I hope that you are enjoying your September... night my dear.
[The song for me... I'm just waiting and waiting~ and glad that tomorrow may come and there're still chance... to hear from you... and I feel stupid, sad, helpless... but I will just keep waiting, til I hear from you...]
======================================
Another Day - Paramore
And if you're listening, I miss you.
And if you hear me now, I need you.
Where did you go, 'cause you're not gone.
Everyone knows there's something's wrong.
The wires are cut, and I'm alone
I know we're getting closer.
I know you're coming back for me this time.
This time.
And do you ever want me, do you ever need me?
I know that you left before goodbye.
It's okay, there's always another day.
And anytime you want me, anytime you see me
I don't think you meant to say goodbye
But it's okay, there's always another day.
Your voice comes in and now it's fading.
I can't believe this is so frustrating.
'Cause you never seem to understand
And you let me slip straight through your hands
How does it feel to be alone?
I know we're getting closer.
I know you're coming back for me this time.
This time.
And do you ever want me, do you ever need me?
I know that you left before goodbye.
And it's okay, there's always another day.
And anytime you want me, anytime you see me
I don't think you meant to say goodbye.
But it's okay, there's always another day.
If you ever find what you were looking for.
I will be waiting there.
I will be there.
And do you ever want me, do you ever need me?
I know that you left before goodbye.
And it's okay, there's always another day.
And anytime you want me, anytime you see me
I don't think you meant to say goodbye.
But it's okay, there's always another day.
Head off to bed now... It proves that mental stress is more dreadful than physical one... worse is that when one is not physical tired... tossing around on bed seems inevitable, and mental stress became worse... Why am I giving myself stress.....
Anyways, I hope that you are enjoying your September... night my dear.
[The song for me... I'm just waiting and waiting~ and glad that tomorrow may come and there're still chance... to hear from you... and I feel stupid, sad, helpless... but I will just keep waiting, til I hear from you...]
======================================
Another Day - Paramore
And if you're listening, I miss you.
And if you hear me now, I need you.
Where did you go, 'cause you're not gone.
Everyone knows there's something's wrong.
The wires are cut, and I'm alone
I know we're getting closer.
I know you're coming back for me this time.
This time.
And do you ever want me, do you ever need me?
I know that you left before goodbye.
It's okay, there's always another day.
And anytime you want me, anytime you see me
I don't think you meant to say goodbye
But it's okay, there's always another day.
Your voice comes in and now it's fading.
I can't believe this is so frustrating.
'Cause you never seem to understand
And you let me slip straight through your hands
How does it feel to be alone?
I know we're getting closer.
I know you're coming back for me this time.
This time.
And do you ever want me, do you ever need me?
I know that you left before goodbye.
And it's okay, there's always another day.
And anytime you want me, anytime you see me
I don't think you meant to say goodbye.
But it's okay, there's always another day.
If you ever find what you were looking for.
I will be waiting there.
I will be there.
And do you ever want me, do you ever need me?
I know that you left before goodbye.
And it's okay, there's always another day.
And anytime you want me, anytime you see me
I don't think you meant to say goodbye.
But it's okay, there's always another day.
Thursday, September 16, 2010
Enjoy every not so worse day~
Today's quote... hum~~ interesting.... then I found out that it's from a lyric... tsk~ = = Anyhow, here it goes~
=======================================
When You Love Someone ---- by Anita Baker
Were we ever?, did we use it up too fast?
Are great moments never meant to last?
And the last thing that I want
Is to ever make your smile go away
Keep the momeries take the best of what we had
I can't stand to watch what once was great go bad
And if i can't be with you
Then I'd rather just remember what we knew
Chorus
When you love someone
And you love them with your heart
And it does't disappear if you're apart
When you love someone
And you've done all you can do - you've done all you can
When you set them free
And if that love is true
When you love someone
It will all come back to you
Nights i wondered, was i too much that we gave?
If we'd given more could we have both been saved?
And i guess we have crossed the line
Never knowing what was yours
And what was mine
Chorus
And through it all, i still have no regrets
Just promise me - promise me
You never will forget - you never will forget
When you love someone
And you have done all you can do
And you set them free and if that love is true
If you love someone, it will all come back to you
==================================
I wander how it sounds...... but anyways... will find that out later~
(OK this happen to be an old song~ and hum~ not the style you like maybe... but the vocal is beautiful~)
If one day, you ask why am I doing this... I will say~ "Because you don't love me, so you're free to look around, take chances in your life. Because I love you, so I decide to wait for your answer. It's my choice of my life." ..... Babe, no regrets really... Even if everything will start over, I will do the same thing I did. I'm glad that I met you... and that you were a part of my life... well, you still are, until you decide to quit on us...
As I said... it can't get worse... so I should be content with every not so worse day~ =)
Big thanks to Angie too~ you're always there to comfort me or hit me on the head~ Thanks my best best friend~
=======================================
When You Love Someone ---- by Anita Baker
Were we ever?, did we use it up too fast?
Are great moments never meant to last?
And the last thing that I want
Is to ever make your smile go away
Keep the momeries take the best of what we had
I can't stand to watch what once was great go bad
And if i can't be with you
Then I'd rather just remember what we knew
Chorus
When you love someone
And you love them with your heart
And it does't disappear if you're apart
When you love someone
And you've done all you can do - you've done all you can
When you set them free
And if that love is true
When you love someone
It will all come back to you
Nights i wondered, was i too much that we gave?
If we'd given more could we have both been saved?
And i guess we have crossed the line
Never knowing what was yours
And what was mine
Chorus
And through it all, i still have no regrets
Just promise me - promise me
You never will forget - you never will forget
When you love someone
And you have done all you can do
And you set them free and if that love is true
If you love someone, it will all come back to you
==================================
I wander how it sounds...... but anyways... will find that out later~
(OK this happen to be an old song~ and hum~ not the style you like maybe... but the vocal is beautiful~)
If one day, you ask why am I doing this... I will say~ "Because you don't love me, so you're free to look around, take chances in your life. Because I love you, so I decide to wait for your answer. It's my choice of my life." ..... Babe, no regrets really... Even if everything will start over, I will do the same thing I did. I'm glad that I met you... and that you were a part of my life... well, you still are, until you decide to quit on us...
As I said... it can't get worse... so I should be content with every not so worse day~ =)
Big thanks to Angie too~ you're always there to comfort me or hit me on the head~ Thanks my best best friend~
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Mute
I just saw your blog update for Monday, after a long while. You hint nothing of my present. Surprisingly I'm not crying. Well ya, I am working but I'm not holding back any tear... Guess I isolate my feeling from that part for now. I refuse to recognize any thought that can make me cry. I'm trying to be strong and cold... (why does cold goes with strong... = =")... Anyways, I'm numbing all my feelings now... Hope it last for a while~ So, for the mean while, I will be like... in almost zombie mode... my heart literally feel numb... like... goose bump all over it and can't feel its present.
Many hurtful things I knew already. They just finally come to me face-to-face. Guess I'm a little more prepared than I thought I am, in regards with handing the feeling. I mute out every emotions, happy thoughts, sweet memories, sad reality, passion, pain, and so on, just wonder how long I can hold back the eruption of my bloody volcano of feelings... Hopefully I will be alone when that happens...
I don't have a heart. My heart is with you. And I seek love no more.
[I feel cold...]
Many hurtful things I knew already. They just finally come to me face-to-face. Guess I'm a little more prepared than I thought I am, in regards with handing the feeling. I mute out every emotions, happy thoughts, sweet memories, sad reality, passion, pain, and so on, just wonder how long I can hold back the eruption of my bloody volcano of feelings... Hopefully I will be alone when that happens...
I don't have a heart. My heart is with you. And I seek love no more.
[I feel cold...]
All I Wanted - Paramore
[As I dwell in the thoughts of you~ I sang the chorus to myself unconsciously... over and over]
Think of me when you're out, when you're out there
I'll beg you nice from my knees
When the world treats you way too fairly
It's a shame i'm a dream
All I wanted was you
All I wanted was you
I think I'll pace my apartment a few times
And fall asleep on the couch
And wake up early to black and white re-runs?
That escaped from the mouth
Oh-Oh
All I wanted was you
All I wanted was you
All I wanted was you
All I wanted was you
I could follow you to the beginning
And just relive the start
And maybe then we'll remember to slow down
To all of our favorite parts
All I wanted was you
All I wanted was you
All I wanted was you
All I wanted was you
All I wanted was you
Think of me when you're out, when you're out there
I'll beg you nice from my knees
When the world treats you way too fairly
It's a shame i'm a dream
All I wanted was you
All I wanted was you
I think I'll pace my apartment a few times
And fall asleep on the couch
And wake up early to black and white re-runs?
That escaped from the mouth
Oh-Oh
All I wanted was you
All I wanted was you
All I wanted was you
All I wanted was you
I could follow you to the beginning
And just relive the start
And maybe then we'll remember to slow down
To all of our favorite parts
All I wanted was you
All I wanted was you
All I wanted was you
All I wanted was you
All I wanted was you
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
It's all for the better
I guess it's all for the better... ... than the stagnant situation now... it's better to face it now... It's all for the better... I keep on telling myself
You said that you need time to think it through... sort out your confused feeling...
What can I say... I can only support you... cuz it'll be a problem if we don't ever face it... I've run away from it like a coward... I should thank you to take the initiative to solve it... cuz I'm afraid to face it...
You said I'm too kind... no I'm not... I just prefer... to trust in your decision... that you know what you want...
When you tell me, I wasn't really shocked. My only thought was... I want you to be happy, so go make up your mind... Though I thought my happiness is to be with you, but if I know you are happy, then maybe I can be happy too... happy for you.
I didn't bawl... Just shed a few tears... merely imaging the slightest of what may come next, is unbearable... (I have a tendency of imaging the worse, so not to keep my hope up) So I didn't set my mind to think of it. I need to keep be positive... I need to think positive.... positive~~
If the decision is not favorable, then I'm just back to square one... back to before you contacted me in July... Will just start from there again~ A life without you... a life with no body.
If the decision is favorable, then all the better... by then I wont have to worry about what is haunting me now... and I will have you by my side... so... it can't get worse... the situation we are in now is worst.... Can't get worse... Can't get worse...
And babe, it's too late to not hurt to my feelings... cuz it had been hurt... even before this... Since the day we met.... when you block me off from everything...
So do whatever you want to do... I think it will all get better~ Although I do hope for a favorable response... But just let whatever may come come... so I can keep moving on in live, with or without you.
However, I am still thankful... that I have you in my life... and I hope to have more time to spend with you...
[just tell me...]
You said that you need time to think it through... sort out your confused feeling...
What can I say... I can only support you... cuz it'll be a problem if we don't ever face it... I've run away from it like a coward... I should thank you to take the initiative to solve it... cuz I'm afraid to face it...
You said I'm too kind... no I'm not... I just prefer... to trust in your decision... that you know what you want...
When you tell me, I wasn't really shocked. My only thought was... I want you to be happy, so go make up your mind... Though I thought my happiness is to be with you, but if I know you are happy, then maybe I can be happy too... happy for you.
I didn't bawl... Just shed a few tears... merely imaging the slightest of what may come next, is unbearable... (I have a tendency of imaging the worse, so not to keep my hope up) So I didn't set my mind to think of it. I need to keep be positive... I need to think positive.... positive~~
If the decision is not favorable, then I'm just back to square one... back to before you contacted me in July... Will just start from there again~ A life without you... a life with no body.
If the decision is favorable, then all the better... by then I wont have to worry about what is haunting me now... and I will have you by my side... so... it can't get worse... the situation we are in now is worst.... Can't get worse... Can't get worse...
And babe, it's too late to not hurt to my feelings... cuz it had been hurt... even before this... Since the day we met.... when you block me off from everything...
So do whatever you want to do... I think it will all get better~ Although I do hope for a favorable response... But just let whatever may come come... so I can keep moving on in live, with or without you.
However, I am still thankful... that I have you in my life... and I hope to have more time to spend with you...
[just tell me...]
Only if word can express it
I've been missing you. I don't hear from you, you vanished... Or do you count last week Thursday's smile as an interaction. If so, it's not even a week yet right... So it should be ok right...? I miss you. I miss you texting me. I miss you talking to me... I..... only if word can express my feeling. But with my little vocab, I don't think it's possible except those words.... Simply saying, I just want to feel your present in my life.... but that is something I want right, not necessary what you want...
What do you want from me? What do you want from this relationship? What do you want to lead me to?
Is there any other things I can tell you than I miss you? What can I tell you when we barely have interaction recently...? I want to tell you about my bruises, I want you to comfort me. I want to tell you about my period, I want you to show me concern. I want to tell you about my progress of animation, I want to share you passion in it. I want to find what what you like or what you need for Christmas, but you seems to have everything you want. I want... I want... I want... All of these are "I want"... where is "you want"....? Am I being selfish? What do you want...? What can I give you apart from your space...? Are you really happy when you're with me...? How can I give you the happiness that I want you to have... What can I do...?
Please be happy, babe... I want you to be happy... Are you ok at the moment?...
What do you want from me? What do you want from this relationship? What do you want to lead me to?
Is there any other things I can tell you than I miss you? What can I tell you when we barely have interaction recently...? I want to tell you about my bruises, I want you to comfort me. I want to tell you about my period, I want you to show me concern. I want to tell you about my progress of animation, I want to share you passion in it. I want to find what what you like or what you need for Christmas, but you seems to have everything you want. I want... I want... I want... All of these are "I want"... where is "you want"....? Am I being selfish? What do you want...? What can I give you apart from your space...? Are you really happy when you're with me...? How can I give you the happiness that I want you to have... What can I do...?
Please be happy, babe... I want you to be happy... Are you ok at the moment?...
Sunday, September 12, 2010
World is not helping me to miss you less
This morning~ I went to City for Angie's class... It seems that the day was to remind me about you, despite the fact that I'm trying to hold it back. Try not to miss you too much... I used to love to miss you a lot, cuz it bring back the sweet memories. But now I found out that it just tells me how much time I've been with your absence. I miss you cuz you aint here. I miss you very often because you are usually not around. It's a killer...
Starting this morning, my last memory from my dream was that you call for me. Not literally as call on the phone or something, not even text~ but through some unknown media, I knew you call for me, as in tell me to go to you. To get out from the house was a rush, and I left my cellphone home. I feel insecure to be without it. What if you really called for me, what if you text me? Then I try to comfort myself, that it should be okay even if you don't find me. Just like how it's hard for me to find you. With that effort to supress the feeling, I went to my normal on-the-transportatoin sleep. Reached City, got on the new car that a taxi friend has. Well, this taxi friend reminded me of you a lot, even before you contact me again at July... He is chubby like you. He has curl long hair like you used to. And then I found out today that even the fragrant he put in his taxi, is similar to your strawberry scent... And how he called me to get into the car just like you, cuz I couldn't recognize his new taxi. Urgh!! I miss you so much!!! Why does everything have to remind me of you!!! And then on my way back, I passed by the road where you showed me where you used to live. And I'm in City, so near so near to you. GAHHHH~~~ Why do I kept thinking about you!!!! Angie got a phone call from Edward from England, should say calls cuz it wasn't getting through well. I wish... I wish... I can get a call from right here in Belize, or even a short text...
When I reach home. Nada on my cellphone.
This entire afternoon, I feel sad. Maybe because my period that just came today got me emotional, and the period pain just got it worse. It sucks... I don't like taking pain killer, but was thinking to take. Then I thought, people take pain killer to alleviate pain, physical pain. How about mental or emotional pain. Is that why people take drugs? To run away or hide from those pain that pain killer cannot take care of? I lay down on the bed and just wondered my mind off... I feel lost.
As I typed this, I wander if you're still alive. Maybe the dream was trying to sense something to me. I always have wild imagination I know. And I always think of the worse possibilities I can think of. And since there is no way to know if you are ok, and you aint reply my text. (WHAT ON THE WORLD IS THIS KIND OF RELATIONSHIP!!!!?) So I sneak in and saw that you just update your profile photo 3 hours ago... I think that is good then. I feel ease. STUPID! At least you are still alive.
You put that your favorite quote is: "The worst feeling is not being alone, it's being forgotten by someone you can never forget.".... I feel as if you had forgotten me... maybe you did...
I hope my giving-you-your-space wont be a reason for your ignoring me.
Yet sometimes I feel that you are very childish... you are a kid at heart, I like that~ but the way how you treat me and this relationship... irresponsible and childish... I manage to pull myself out of the scenario sometime, look at it coldly and make a laugh about it. But most of the time... I'm still helplessly dwell in my feeling for you. That stubborn feeling I have for you can kill me thousand times like a double-sided blade sword. I move on regardless... My sanity punish myself yet I still move on, in some way. Feeling pissed off now, better let me proceed no more and dwell myself in animation again. As I said, if I dwell in their world, I will loose focus on my emotions of the real world.
Starting this morning, my last memory from my dream was that you call for me. Not literally as call on the phone or something, not even text~ but through some unknown media, I knew you call for me, as in tell me to go to you. To get out from the house was a rush, and I left my cellphone home. I feel insecure to be without it. What if you really called for me, what if you text me? Then I try to comfort myself, that it should be okay even if you don't find me. Just like how it's hard for me to find you. With that effort to supress the feeling, I went to my normal on-the-transportatoin sleep. Reached City, got on the new car that a taxi friend has. Well, this taxi friend reminded me of you a lot, even before you contact me again at July... He is chubby like you. He has curl long hair like you used to. And then I found out today that even the fragrant he put in his taxi, is similar to your strawberry scent... And how he called me to get into the car just like you, cuz I couldn't recognize his new taxi. Urgh!! I miss you so much!!! Why does everything have to remind me of you!!! And then on my way back, I passed by the road where you showed me where you used to live. And I'm in City, so near so near to you. GAHHHH~~~ Why do I kept thinking about you!!!! Angie got a phone call from Edward from England, should say calls cuz it wasn't getting through well. I wish... I wish... I can get a call from right here in Belize, or even a short text...
When I reach home. Nada on my cellphone.
This entire afternoon, I feel sad. Maybe because my period that just came today got me emotional, and the period pain just got it worse. It sucks... I don't like taking pain killer, but was thinking to take. Then I thought, people take pain killer to alleviate pain, physical pain. How about mental or emotional pain. Is that why people take drugs? To run away or hide from those pain that pain killer cannot take care of? I lay down on the bed and just wondered my mind off... I feel lost.
As I typed this, I wander if you're still alive. Maybe the dream was trying to sense something to me. I always have wild imagination I know. And I always think of the worse possibilities I can think of. And since there is no way to know if you are ok, and you aint reply my text. (WHAT ON THE WORLD IS THIS KIND OF RELATIONSHIP!!!!?) So I sneak in and saw that you just update your profile photo 3 hours ago... I think that is good then. I feel ease. STUPID! At least you are still alive.
You put that your favorite quote is: "The worst feeling is not being alone, it's being forgotten by someone you can never forget.".... I feel as if you had forgotten me... maybe you did...
I hope my giving-you-your-space wont be a reason for your ignoring me.
Yet sometimes I feel that you are very childish... you are a kid at heart, I like that~ but the way how you treat me and this relationship... irresponsible and childish... I manage to pull myself out of the scenario sometime, look at it coldly and make a laugh about it. But most of the time... I'm still helplessly dwell in my feeling for you. That stubborn feeling I have for you can kill me thousand times like a double-sided blade sword. I move on regardless... My sanity punish myself yet I still move on, in some way. Feeling pissed off now, better let me proceed no more and dwell myself in animation again. As I said, if I dwell in their world, I will loose focus on my emotions of the real world.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
99.9.9
Today is the 9th of September, the 9th month. This year is the 99th year for Taiwan. So, to Taiwanese it's 99.9.9~ 9 sound the same to the word "long"... The day suggest a full length, and very long. It is one of a life time thing, I will say, cuz, I wont live for another 900 years to see 999.9.9~ or a next few thousand years to see 9999.9.9~ and I wander about 2099.9.9~ ha = =... So ya, ppl in Taiwan take today as an extra valentine, and they greet their love ones, hoping their relationship will last forever long. After all, I think it's what ppl really in love hope for. I hope for ours too, to last long... to last forever long....
So I send you a 3-pages text to tell you about this, sorry for sending long text~ and tell you that I really miss you a lot and hope that you wont take too long to let me find you again. You did reply with a smiling face tho... That's good enough... At least you replied... that means that you're still alive... that means that at least you do care about me, even for a lil~ That's good enough...=)
Am glad that at this so-called special day, I have someone to greet, to think of, and to send a virtual kiss, thanks to you, Sweety. Babe, with all these things you put me through on your absent, I can really realize how much I feel for you. I can't wait to see you again, but I can only wait... I think I do love you... What do you think? (hum... talking about that... what have I done to love you???)
============================
Last night, chatted a little with a friend in Taiwan. She reminded me of that 99.9.9 and asked how is my love life. Well, I told her that I'm in a relationship and will see how it works out~ I told her that you, my dear, is a Belizean, not a Taiwanese. Somehow she kept on saying that she can introduce some good boys to me~ and that this cousin of one of her good friend is a good person~ looks good and treat girls well~ and his family~ and bla bla bla right off..... she even offer to get picture for me~~ Ah~ It got me angry... = =+ I'm in a relationship and I think that suggest that I hope this can last~ what's up with this suggesting whomever. I know it's with good intention from her, but just not appropriate. Don't have any intention of meeting whomever, except the one in my heart. Then I realize and can really tell myself that I don't want anyone else but you~ I ONLY WANT YOU! Downright stubborn too~
So I send you a 3-pages text to tell you about this, sorry for sending long text~ and tell you that I really miss you a lot and hope that you wont take too long to let me find you again. You did reply with a smiling face tho... That's good enough... At least you replied... that means that you're still alive... that means that at least you do care about me, even for a lil~ That's good enough...=)
Am glad that at this so-called special day, I have someone to greet, to think of, and to send a virtual kiss, thanks to you, Sweety. Babe, with all these things you put me through on your absent, I can really realize how much I feel for you. I can't wait to see you again, but I can only wait... I think I do love you... What do you think? (hum... talking about that... what have I done to love you???)
============================
Last night, chatted a little with a friend in Taiwan. She reminded me of that 99.9.9 and asked how is my love life. Well, I told her that I'm in a relationship and will see how it works out~ I told her that you, my dear, is a Belizean, not a Taiwanese. Somehow she kept on saying that she can introduce some good boys to me~ and that this cousin of one of her good friend is a good person~ looks good and treat girls well~ and his family~ and bla bla bla right off..... she even offer to get picture for me~~ Ah~ It got me angry... = =+ I'm in a relationship and I think that suggest that I hope this can last~ what's up with this suggesting whomever. I know it's with good intention from her, but just not appropriate. Don't have any intention of meeting whomever, except the one in my heart. Then I realize and can really tell myself that I don't want anyone else but you~ I ONLY WANT YOU! Downright stubborn too~
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Nice quotes
Been very busy lately, yet I still miss you so much. So want to fly over to give you a hug, get mad on why you ignore me for so long, and ask for a good kiss for compensation... I just miss you. I just do... Even when you don't reply my text... I just do miss you, in my busy loneliness.
Look up for a quote and end up with a ton I like!!! Let me thought about you...
"Love Is the Irresistible Desire to be Irresistibly Desired." -Mark Twain
[I want to be irresistibly desired by you. I want you to want me!!]
=======================================
“I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.” - Mother Teresa
[I already feel the hurts, so does that means love will come now?]
=======================================
“Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky his is to have you.... The one who turns to his friends and says, 'that's her.'”
[I so admire this... gosh~~ all in all~ so far I got a kiss on my forehead~ the rest... ha... = =]
=======================================
"I love you,
Not only for what you are,
But for what I am
When I am with you.
I love you,
Not only for what
You have made of yourself,
But for what
You are making of me.
I love you
For the part of me
That you bring out;
I love you... " by Roy Croft
[I love you...]
=========================
“Freedom lies in being bold.” Robert Frost quotes (American poet, 1874-1963)
[So to be with you, I need to be bold.... ya]
=======================================
“To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.”
[Am taking my risk~~]
=======================================
“In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life. It goes on.” Robert Frost quotes (American poet, 1874-1963)
=======================================
And it goes on and on.....
I MISS YOU NOW!!!! Let me end this entry right here...
Look up for a quote and end up with a ton I like!!! Let me thought about you...
"Love Is the Irresistible Desire to be Irresistibly Desired." -Mark Twain
[I want to be irresistibly desired by you. I want you to want me!!]
=======================================
“I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love.” - Mother Teresa
[I already feel the hurts, so does that means love will come now?]
=======================================
“Find a guy who calls you beautiful instead of hot, who calls you back when you hang up on him, who will lie under the stars and listen to your heartbeat, or will stay awake just to watch you sleep... wait for the boy who kisses your forehead, who wants to show you off to the world when you are in sweats, who holds your hand in front of his friends, who thinks you're just as pretty without makeup on. One who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares and how lucky his is to have you.... The one who turns to his friends and says, 'that's her.'”
[I so admire this... gosh~~ all in all~ so far I got a kiss on my forehead~ the rest... ha... = =]
=======================================
"I love you,
Not only for what you are,
But for what I am
When I am with you.
I love you,
Not only for what
You have made of yourself,
But for what
You are making of me.
I love you
For the part of me
That you bring out;
I love you... " by Roy Croft
[I love you...]
=========================
“Freedom lies in being bold.” Robert Frost quotes (American poet, 1874-1963)
[So to be with you, I need to be bold.... ya]
=======================================
“To love is to risk not being loved in return. To hope is to risk pain. To try is to risk failure, but risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing.”
[Am taking my risk~~]
=======================================
“In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life. It goes on.” Robert Frost quotes (American poet, 1874-1963)
=======================================
And it goes on and on.....
I MISS YOU NOW!!!! Let me end this entry right here...
Monday, September 6, 2010
Faith in you
Wonder if it is true,
that the older you gets, the less fairytales happen to you.
Wonder when will dreams come true,
while pursuit of happiness never seems to conclude.
Yet I will be bold and faithful.
That if with good will I followed through,
A wonderland that I have dream of,
fate will lead me to.
I will have faith, in you.
that the older you gets, the less fairytales happen to you.
Wonder when will dreams come true,
while pursuit of happiness never seems to conclude.
Yet I will be bold and faithful.
That if with good will I followed through,
A wonderland that I have dream of,
fate will lead me to.
I will have faith, in you.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
sigh...
Feel sad.... but I am trying to deal with it now...
Apparently, you do block me off from FB, don't ask me why I find out... = = There is nothing that cannot be find out, unless you don't do it, so ppl say... Sigh~ I feel kinda hurt, that you block me away, from basically everything. But maybe then I can focus more on myself, and not on you... And I don't think it's a good idea to confront you, cuz it wont lead to good ending anyways.
When one is in love, one is vulnerable. Yet I prefer to be vulnerable and even been hurt, than to never love... So, I guess I am still on a right path, with what I would decide to do, if I knew this would happen.
If fate allows me to choose again, I will still decide to love you. So there is nothing I should regret. And since there is nothing else I will do, guess I my only option is to follow my heart, and hope for a happy ending.
I know you don't love me.... you just keep me there... so what... I can only comfort myself that... I'm able to be here. And, I have enough space to live a normal life.... I should be thankful anyhow~ However, maybe I will shed a tear or two on my pillow... commemorate the innocent that had left me... I hate pretending that everything is ok... I hate to pretend that I don't know about it, so you wont look bad... Just let it be this way~ After all, I'm not your concern... I can live well like this. Even when I get hurt, I'm usually able to squeeze out a smile or two... so that I can really feel pathetic of myself... So I can laugh at myself... So I can try to be ok, even when I'm not... So I can go with what I want to do, even I know that there is a great chance that I would get hurt in the end, and that is loving you...
I love you~ aint gonna change it.... at least before you don't want me to...
Apparently, you do block me off from FB, don't ask me why I find out... = = There is nothing that cannot be find out, unless you don't do it, so ppl say... Sigh~ I feel kinda hurt, that you block me away, from basically everything. But maybe then I can focus more on myself, and not on you... And I don't think it's a good idea to confront you, cuz it wont lead to good ending anyways.
When one is in love, one is vulnerable. Yet I prefer to be vulnerable and even been hurt, than to never love... So, I guess I am still on a right path, with what I would decide to do, if I knew this would happen.
If fate allows me to choose again, I will still decide to love you. So there is nothing I should regret. And since there is nothing else I will do, guess I my only option is to follow my heart, and hope for a happy ending.
I know you don't love me.... you just keep me there... so what... I can only comfort myself that... I'm able to be here. And, I have enough space to live a normal life.... I should be thankful anyhow~ However, maybe I will shed a tear or two on my pillow... commemorate the innocent that had left me... I hate pretending that everything is ok... I hate to pretend that I don't know about it, so you wont look bad... Just let it be this way~ After all, I'm not your concern... I can live well like this. Even when I get hurt, I'm usually able to squeeze out a smile or two... so that I can really feel pathetic of myself... So I can laugh at myself... So I can try to be ok, even when I'm not... So I can go with what I want to do, even I know that there is a great chance that I would get hurt in the end, and that is loving you...
I love you~ aint gonna change it.... at least before you don't want me to...
Friday, September 3, 2010
Daydreaming
You're working in City today~ Setting up something you said, and is very busy~
Good to be busy babe~ ^^ And men concentrating or working hard looks attractive, so do women I think. But I'm glad that you did reply my text~ lol~
I wear a shirt today where the place you gave me that hicky can easily be seen. But it had fade away, just left a little little darker shade that ppl cannot recognize. But I can, cuz I know it was there. Wish I can see you soon... and maybe get another one that last for another week~
I put on my twitter "Wish I can receive you back from work in a place call our home~ In our home, your kingdom, I'll be your little woman. *I'm daydreaming." I'm really daydream~ and about you~ Kinda got me absent minded sometimes~ like last time where my bathing routine totally totally went wrong, and my yesterday's body-wash-on-my-hair incident... And even when I'm riding home or to work. Time goes fast when I thought about you. Glad that I hadn't forgot to check if there are cars coming before crossing the road... I wont want you to see me in hospital~ cuz it ain't gonna be fun~
I saw Angie posted up her reasons why she loves her Edward. Look like she can easily come up with a lot. Well, they've been together for 6 years. Guess I need to spend more time with you to continue listing it... Ah~ I envy, should say admire, their love~ hum~ they have time as foundation. Hope our one last long long~~~ I want to be with you. I want to cook for you. I want to sleep beside you. I want to have your baby(ies). (ey~ will you accompany me when I'm giving birth? hum... I am thinking too much already... = =) I want to see you almost everyday. I even want to iron your clothes. I want to prepare a lil snack for you when you're up late playing game.... Jeez..... I'm never a fan for house chores, but it just seems sweet if I can do those things for you. (But I think I wa get lazy after a while if I really got a chance to do it... er.... Just to tell the truth right~ unless I find a way to keep those chores interesting... We'll see... if I'm fortunate enough to~)
Oh ya~ I love you. ^3^
Good to be busy babe~ ^^ And men concentrating or working hard looks attractive, so do women I think. But I'm glad that you did reply my text~ lol~
I wear a shirt today where the place you gave me that hicky can easily be seen. But it had fade away, just left a little little darker shade that ppl cannot recognize. But I can, cuz I know it was there. Wish I can see you soon... and maybe get another one that last for another week~
I put on my twitter "Wish I can receive you back from work in a place call our home~ In our home, your kingdom, I'll be your little woman. *I'm daydreaming." I'm really daydream~ and about you~ Kinda got me absent minded sometimes~ like last time where my bathing routine totally totally went wrong, and my yesterday's body-wash-on-my-hair incident... And even when I'm riding home or to work. Time goes fast when I thought about you. Glad that I hadn't forgot to check if there are cars coming before crossing the road... I wont want you to see me in hospital~ cuz it ain't gonna be fun~
I saw Angie posted up her reasons why she loves her Edward. Look like she can easily come up with a lot. Well, they've been together for 6 years. Guess I need to spend more time with you to continue listing it... Ah~ I envy, should say admire, their love~ hum~ they have time as foundation. Hope our one last long long~~~ I want to be with you. I want to cook for you. I want to sleep beside you. I want to have your baby(ies). (ey~ will you accompany me when I'm giving birth? hum... I am thinking too much already... = =) I want to see you almost everyday. I even want to iron your clothes. I want to prepare a lil snack for you when you're up late playing game.... Jeez..... I'm never a fan for house chores, but it just seems sweet if I can do those things for you. (But I think I wa get lazy after a while if I really got a chance to do it... er.... Just to tell the truth right~ unless I find a way to keep those chores interesting... We'll see... if I'm fortunate enough to~)
Oh ya~ I love you. ^3^
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
51 Reasons (and counting)
I love your smile, the way how the corners of your lips curve up.
I love your eyes, they trapped me.
I love your pointed nose, European feeling nose~ lol
I love your accent, it sounds sexy.
I love your smell, smells like strawberry to my nose.
I love how you made I feel alive.
I love how you made my heart beats speed up.
I love how you look, big or not. Just attracts me
I love how you talk and make jokes. Try to bring up a lil debate with me.
I love how you laugh.
I love how you talk straight forward.
I love how you kiss me, and all the fun things happen between our lips, teeth, and tongues.
I love how you hold my face in your hands and kiss me carefully, even on my forehead. Made me feel loved.
I love how you hug me.
I love how you bear-hug me and lift me off from the ground.
I love how you hug me on the sofa, I can fit perfectly in your arm.
I love how you hold my hand, with fingers entwine together.
I love how you look when driving.
I love how you get food from my plate with your fingers. Childish little behaviors yet cute.
I love how you hug me from the back, resting your head on my back.
I love how you close your eyes when thinking, while you are talking, moving your hands.
I love how you say that I'm yours.
I love how happy you look when you were playing game.
I love how you look when you're concentrating.
I love how you look down/up at me, eyes to eyes. I sink into them.
I love how you write on your blog.
I love how you flirt with me. Gets me hot.
I love how you call me your baby.
I love how you made me laugh.
I love how you explained to me when we watch movies together, you didn't spoil the movie.
I love how you drop by when you got a chance to. And I keep your little note too.
I love how you give me hicky when I asked for it. ^///^
I love that you let me find love again.
I love that you remember my name.
I love that you have brain. (smart boy)
I love that you love your family.
I love that you love your dogs.
I love that you don't drink. Cuz I don't like the smell and its effect on many ppl.
I love that you quit smoking. Cuz I really don't like the smell...
I love that you prefer to stay home. Cuz I stay home too.
I love that you have a steady job.
I love that you want to have your own family and settle down.
I love to kiss you.
I love to think/daydream about you.
I love to text you, and get text from you.
I love to hear your voice.
I love to hug you.
I love to just admire you.
I love to just stay by your side.
I love the idea that we're together.
I love when every time I think about you, I love you more, hopelessly.
Most importanly, I love you.
I love your eyes, they trapped me.
I love your pointed nose, European feeling nose~ lol
I love your accent, it sounds sexy.
I love your smell, smells like strawberry to my nose.
I love how you made I feel alive.
I love how you made my heart beats speed up.
I love how you look, big or not. Just attracts me
I love how you talk and make jokes. Try to bring up a lil debate with me.
I love how you laugh.
I love how you talk straight forward.
I love how you kiss me, and all the fun things happen between our lips, teeth, and tongues.
I love how you hold my face in your hands and kiss me carefully, even on my forehead. Made me feel loved.
I love how you hug me.
I love how you bear-hug me and lift me off from the ground.
I love how you hug me on the sofa, I can fit perfectly in your arm.
I love how you hold my hand, with fingers entwine together.
I love how you look when driving.
I love how you get food from my plate with your fingers. Childish little behaviors yet cute.
I love how you hug me from the back, resting your head on my back.
I love how you close your eyes when thinking, while you are talking, moving your hands.
I love how you say that I'm yours.
I love how happy you look when you were playing game.
I love how you look when you're concentrating.
I love how you look down/up at me, eyes to eyes. I sink into them.
I love how you write on your blog.
I love how you flirt with me. Gets me hot.
I love how you call me your baby.
I love how you made me laugh.
I love how you explained to me when we watch movies together, you didn't spoil the movie.
I love how you drop by when you got a chance to. And I keep your little note too.
I love how you give me hicky when I asked for it. ^///^
I love that you let me find love again.
I love that you remember my name.
I love that you have brain. (smart boy)
I love that you love your family.
I love that you love your dogs.
I love that you don't drink. Cuz I don't like the smell and its effect on many ppl.
I love that you quit smoking. Cuz I really don't like the smell...
I love that you prefer to stay home. Cuz I stay home too.
I love that you have a steady job.
I love that you want to have your own family and settle down.
I love to kiss you.
I love to think/daydream about you.
I love to text you, and get text from you.
I love to hear your voice.
I love to hug you.
I love to just admire you.
I love to just stay by your side.
I love the idea that we're together.
I love when every time I think about you, I love you more, hopelessly.
Most importanly, I love you.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Pioneer... and my almost bankruptcy...
Ahhhhh... it's hard~ it's hard~~ curiosity kills a trillion cats, I will say. Should stop be so curious and wana find out. So that I wont struggle so much. Ah~~~~ what a bad habit... sigh
Was chatting with Angie over the phone this morning. Talking about the already-known-obstacle from family that I will definitely face, especially from grandpa. Angie says that I may be the pioneer in breaking those judgmental craps. Hope so, pioneer or not, I'm stubborn, just like my grandpa. I don't give up easily, especially when it comes to love. What did she said? "Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder." Does that means that I think you are beautiful, and I'm your beholder? AH HA HA HA.... I think you are beautiful, yes. But I think I'm not your beholder yet... I just love you, that's all. Pioneer huh... If you love me... If I can see my future be settled with you. Then I will definitely fight against it. When will that happened? Will that benefit my fellow love couples in struggles? Heck, think too high of myself. I just want to be with you, pioneer or not. But a battle seems to be unpreventable... If you are there, with faith that we can be together, with faith in love I will fight for us.
Though I still wander what have I done or should I done to deserve your love of which I seek. Or perhaps do nothing? I wander if I do enough. I wander if what I can offer is what you want. I wander if you will be happy with me... I wander... I want you to be happy...
Yet, I'm thankful. That you are there. That I can miss you. That I'm able to feel you with my senses. That I'm still alive to experience these. I'm thankful about that.
===============Just as another note===============
My bank almost hits to the tenths. Spending. Spending. Spending. It's never enough... Now I'm worried where am I gonna get money for your Christmas gift. Though a friend says that at Christmas (eve), one just wana spend time with friends and family. I wander if I will be around... rather, I wander if you will want me to be around... even further, I wander if we'll still be together. Anyways, so far, maybe we can make it there... Hum... let me calculate for you why I almost go bankrupt... so that you wont think that I am a big spender, although I can be... ha!
Monthly income: $1400
Monthly expenditure: as follow...
Every month I give my mom $700. For...syndicate (not the criminal one... just ppl putting money together... to save money.) Sometimes an extra $50 for grocery or stuff.
I pay 1/2 for electricity, internet, and cable. No water because we have a well, but I guess it adds on to the electricity for the pump. No phone bill cuz BTL hadn't made up their mind, so we've been using cellphone since. Regular bill itself is a little over $300
Jason's violin class, $100 a month, and some $7x for exam whenever...
So that leave me $300 to spend on, excluding occasional cell-phone credit top up and exam fee for Jason. No need to mention school fees.....
More grocery items~ almost every shopping exceed $50...
Other sundries expenditure like... shampoo, face wash, lotion, yada yada...
More other little expenditure like... buy-for-the-sake-of-friend muffin, get-together food, take-turn-to-treat smoothies
More other little expenditure like... give-Betty-a-treat-today tea/ fresh juice/ drink
Especially while Mickey doesn't have income (summer break), he had to rely on me to pay for him first... but luckily he records what he owe me, so I aint really loosing much, which means there must be things he forgotten.
So, I'm near bankrupt. I should say that I spend more than what I earned. I had $2000 something in my bank account last year, when I was just giving my mom $350 a month... guess all this house and garden thingings exceed what I can bear with my income... hope that increment will be approved...!!!! By next October, after we finished that whatever thing (a group of ppl get together, put together money monthly, and take turn to use it.), guess then I can start to save my $700 per month... Wander if I'll have enough to go to UK at 2012... wander if I can travel at that time.... (I'm thinking about maternity leave already.... my crazy head...)
Anyways, I still feel thankful and feel fortunate, because I'm able to give. I'm able to help my family. Also, I'm able to give my love you to... I'm thankful... Cuz I'm still able to give...
Was chatting with Angie over the phone this morning. Talking about the already-known-obstacle from family that I will definitely face, especially from grandpa. Angie says that I may be the pioneer in breaking those judgmental craps. Hope so, pioneer or not, I'm stubborn, just like my grandpa. I don't give up easily, especially when it comes to love. What did she said? "Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder." Does that means that I think you are beautiful, and I'm your beholder? AH HA HA HA.... I think you are beautiful, yes. But I think I'm not your beholder yet... I just love you, that's all. Pioneer huh... If you love me... If I can see my future be settled with you. Then I will definitely fight against it. When will that happened? Will that benefit my fellow love couples in struggles? Heck, think too high of myself. I just want to be with you, pioneer or not. But a battle seems to be unpreventable... If you are there, with faith that we can be together, with faith in love I will fight for us.
Though I still wander what have I done or should I done to deserve your love of which I seek. Or perhaps do nothing? I wander if I do enough. I wander if what I can offer is what you want. I wander if you will be happy with me... I wander... I want you to be happy...
Yet, I'm thankful. That you are there. That I can miss you. That I'm able to feel you with my senses. That I'm still alive to experience these. I'm thankful about that.
===============Just as another note===============
My bank almost hits to the tenths. Spending. Spending. Spending. It's never enough... Now I'm worried where am I gonna get money for your Christmas gift. Though a friend says that at Christmas (eve), one just wana spend time with friends and family. I wander if I will be around... rather, I wander if you will want me to be around... even further, I wander if we'll still be together. Anyways, so far, maybe we can make it there... Hum... let me calculate for you why I almost go bankrupt... so that you wont think that I am a big spender, although I can be... ha!
Monthly income: $1400
Monthly expenditure: as follow...
Every month I give my mom $700. For...syndicate (not the criminal one... just ppl putting money together... to save money.) Sometimes an extra $50 for grocery or stuff.
I pay 1/2 for electricity, internet, and cable. No water because we have a well, but I guess it adds on to the electricity for the pump. No phone bill cuz BTL hadn't made up their mind, so we've been using cellphone since. Regular bill itself is a little over $300
Jason's violin class, $100 a month, and some $7x for exam whenever...
So that leave me $300 to spend on, excluding occasional cell-phone credit top up and exam fee for Jason. No need to mention school fees.....
More grocery items~ almost every shopping exceed $50...
Other sundries expenditure like... shampoo, face wash, lotion, yada yada...
More other little expenditure like... buy-for-the-sake-of-friend muffin, get-together food, take-turn-to-treat smoothies
More other little expenditure like... give-Betty-a-treat-today tea/ fresh juice/ drink
Especially while Mickey doesn't have income (summer break), he had to rely on me to pay for him first... but luckily he records what he owe me, so I aint really loosing much, which means there must be things he forgotten.
So, I'm near bankrupt. I should say that I spend more than what I earned. I had $2000 something in my bank account last year, when I was just giving my mom $350 a month... guess all this house and garden thingings exceed what I can bear with my income... hope that increment will be approved...!!!! By next October, after we finished that whatever thing (a group of ppl get together, put together money monthly, and take turn to use it.), guess then I can start to save my $700 per month... Wander if I'll have enough to go to UK at 2012... wander if I can travel at that time.... (I'm thinking about maternity leave already.... my crazy head...)
Anyways, I still feel thankful and feel fortunate, because I'm able to give. I'm able to help my family. Also, I'm able to give my love you to... I'm thankful... Cuz I'm still able to give...
Monday, August 30, 2010
Adjust
Bad habit is really hard to quit... Expecially when it's something about you. urgh... this sucks. It's been 13 hours not checking your update, in which 6 hours I slept, 1 hour I try to get ready to work, so it's actually only 6 hours or so, when I have a chance to but didn't. Well, I kill my time trying to do some work, run to boss office from time to time to answer phone calls (my phone abandoned me), look at some interesting or hideous pictures online, and also trying to continue search for a Christmas present for you... And Angie come over at 1pm after her school meeting by the Guadalupe Church, so someone to draw my attention away... And I peeping at the vamp from time to time and reliving how I wrapped my hands around your head... Angie is by one of her friend now, we'll go take a visit by Mr. Rabbani's office later, since he claimed last week Friday that they hadn't met in ages...? So, ya... I'm doing ok without you. Hope this will last longer than my little patient. Knowing you may be up to million and one things, I better leave it for you to contact me. I send my text with kiss and smile last night and you didn't reply~ so you can't say that I forget about you... ha~ You know I cannot forget about you... Don't you go forget about me tho...
I'm keeping myself away from what you don't want to show me. I'm giving you back the privacy you claim. You become a mystery again, or even more. Only if you bother to know me, I'll be a mystery as well. It's fair... it's fair... I'll be loyal to you on my part. Your part is up to you, just remember that there is karma in the world... I smile...
===================================
I don't know what to get you for your Christmas, if we're still together...
I found myself looking at...
Kuchiki Byakuya's animation figure~ but you already have one... urgh
Legend of Zelda Link's animation figure~ it doesn't really look good...
Legend of Zelda tri-force power belt bucket~ wander how will it look on you...
HIM Heartagram belt bucket~ wander if you're still very into the band...
2TB HD - Jimmy is thinking to get some from US to sell, so I shd get a ok price~ but still expensive... but cheaper compare to here~ but I don't think it's in my budget...
wireless earphone - Also what Jimmy wants to import.... Feel that it may be kinda cheap for a Christmas present?
Chain made out of titanium or some kind of metal... I wand a couple chain, but I don't know if you like the idea... but maybe a single one will work... there are so many options that got me undecidal... (I still want a couple/pair one!!!)
Jimmy says something like perfume or shirt or something... I don't know what perfume/colongue you use.. I don't think you will like shirt that you will not use for a long time, assuming that you will be loosing weight...
And you will already have ordered all the games that you will be playing, that part is not even my speciality... no need to mention...
Wander what else can I get for you...
I'm keeping myself away from what you don't want to show me. I'm giving you back the privacy you claim. You become a mystery again, or even more. Only if you bother to know me, I'll be a mystery as well. It's fair... it's fair... I'll be loyal to you on my part. Your part is up to you, just remember that there is karma in the world... I smile...
===================================
I don't know what to get you for your Christmas, if we're still together...
I found myself looking at...
Kuchiki Byakuya's animation figure~ but you already have one... urgh
Legend of Zelda Link's animation figure~ it doesn't really look good...
Legend of Zelda tri-force power belt bucket~ wander how will it look on you...
HIM Heartagram belt bucket~ wander if you're still very into the band...
2TB HD - Jimmy is thinking to get some from US to sell, so I shd get a ok price~ but still expensive... but cheaper compare to here~ but I don't think it's in my budget...
wireless earphone - Also what Jimmy wants to import.... Feel that it may be kinda cheap for a Christmas present?
Chain made out of titanium or some kind of metal... I wand a couple chain, but I don't know if you like the idea... but maybe a single one will work... there are so many options that got me undecidal... (I still want a couple/pair one!!!)
Jimmy says something like perfume or shirt or something... I don't know what perfume/colongue you use.. I don't think you will like shirt that you will not use for a long time, assuming that you will be loosing weight...
And you will already have ordered all the games that you will be playing, that part is not even my speciality... no need to mention...
Wander what else can I get for you...
Sunday, August 29, 2010
I feel ugly
I feel ugly... I want to quit stalking you... Glad that there seems no sensitive updates, but.. I get jealous sometimes, I even get offended a lil that you trying to keep me out from things. But I'm the one invading the "privacy" that you don't wana show me. I feel jealous when you mention about her, and how your emotion changes because of her... I feel ugly... cuz I want you to be with me... I feel that I have bad mind... and if I keep on like this, then I wont deserve you. I need to quit "stalking" on your updates.
Is it possible to be love for who you are? I don't know. But since there is a saying that "nothing is impossible", then I think it's possible that someone will love you for who you are. Maybe I shd not say that I love you to that extend, I'm still figuring it out. I can only say that I appreciate your existence, and I like the part of you that you showed me (I think maybe that is 1/100 of you...?). And for right now, my goal is trying to let you love me. I'm trying... Cuz I to be with you... I want you... I don't know why... But you makes me feel happy and in love, and butterfly in my heart... Time will tell me.. how do I love you~
Is it possible to be love for who you are? I don't know. But since there is a saying that "nothing is impossible", then I think it's possible that someone will love you for who you are. Maybe I shd not say that I love you to that extend, I'm still figuring it out. I can only say that I appreciate your existence, and I like the part of you that you showed me (I think maybe that is 1/100 of you...?). And for right now, my goal is trying to let you love me. I'm trying... Cuz I to be with you... I want you... I don't know why... But you makes me feel happy and in love, and butterfly in my heart... Time will tell me.. how do I love you~
Saturday, August 28, 2010
No sense
I think I'm in good mood today...
I think it makes no sense to check your status now and again, cuz the fact wont change. The only benefit is that I got to know how you're doing, like catch flu or having a good birthday or something. And it's the only other source of information from you apart from phone, which you claim you don't check often.
I love you for who you are... the others don't really matter~ that's what I feel now... Start to miss you already.
I'll try not to check on it then... I really do think that I'm in a content mood today...
I think it makes no sense to check your status now and again, cuz the fact wont change. The only benefit is that I got to know how you're doing, like catch flu or having a good birthday or something. And it's the only other source of information from you apart from phone, which you claim you don't check often.
I love you for who you are... the others don't really matter~ that's what I feel now... Start to miss you already.
I'll try not to check on it then... I really do think that I'm in a content mood today...
Friday, August 27, 2010
UPs and downs
There is an all day workshop today. So, I'm not in my office but by the Jaguar building. You text me saying that you were in my office, but I weren't there. Jeez! I can feel that my blood went up to my head all of a sudden. I so want to see you so I wanted to go over that same instance to meet you. But apparently you didnt have phone with you, and when you text me you're back in your office already. I just can't stop feeling wanting to say danm danm danm~~ I so wish I were there!!! I'm glad that you dropped by, it means that you remember me. I'm happy about that~ but on the other hand, I didn't get to see you and it feels soooooo let-down~~~ >
Then I saw that you update more things about her earlier. You were depressed. You so want to win her right... just like how I so want to win you. Then I started to wander... will you be happy with me... I want you to be happy. I want you to be with me... but will I be able to give you the happiness that you deserve or been looking for. It feels so contradicting, really. That I want to have you, but I don't know if I can make you happy the way you should be... maybe the way that you should have if you were with her... I feel lost.. and I feel sad.
After distributing lunch and finished my own. I feel so bored and want to run away from that not-so-encouraging thought. So I drop by Mr. Rabbani's office. Hadn't chat with him for a long time, still funny as usual. Yet I still can't help it but thought, hey, he knows about you. He is your good friend. How you two might have interact, will it be similar like how we chit chat fool fool? Just can't stop thinking about you. And Angie hadn't see him for a long time, so she say she gonna pass by something next week for a visit. Ha~ Mr. Rabbani got surprised by how fast Angie and I text each other. Finally, he had to left, so no more killing time in his office, back to upstairs by the workshop, linger around. Then you text me!!!! That you'll come over. OMG~ So I hurry return to my office.
I found a note that you left earlier, saying that you were there but I were out. Em, sir... how am I going to know who left this note if you didn't even left an initial? And I've never seen you write before? LOL~ You came. There're lecturers coming in and out of the office. Can't do anything much. But we got to chat a lil, kiss a lot, hug quite a few... I like to be in your arm and lay my upper body by your chest. It feels good~ like a sofa... ha ha... well that's a part. But the main part is that I'm with you. You have a strawberry scent do you know? You have flu, I knew that, but we kissed regardless. You look tired, and kept on closing your eyes from time to time. You've all kinds of different messages going into your phone, mainly from work. Though you looks happy, but you've that sadness hiding at the back of your eyes, I can see that. So wish I can wipe it away, but I know only time can do that. You looked at my lucky band I made with our initials, asking if anyone asked what it means. Well, ppl did ask I just didn't say what it means. Only Angie knows it. I wish I can spell it out for them. Letting closer friends know that I'm with you. That I'm yours. Or rather, I want to be yours, and want that you only have me. But since you're just dropping by, and there's many ppl around, and it seems that people from your office need that vehicle you drove, so you have to go. I managed to hold you back just for a lil longer. I so don't want to let you go, cuz I don't know when will we meet again. I always ask when can I see you again. You always say you don't know. I know it's true tho. Though we're in the same city, but we're both working. Expecially that you work through lunch, there's really not much time... I understand. But at least I bargained for a vamp. =P Now I've something to remind me that I was with you, and not thinking that I might be dreaming. Time spend with you flies, hope that I can hold it back a lil. But I feel so sweet, so so sweet. And I just can't stop smiling while thinking about you. I keep that lil note you left earlier in my purse. Something from you is like a treasure, it seems. I even dated it... how crazy!
Rest of the evening was quite quite busy... Night. Saw that you wanted to go out with her... It pulls my hyper mood lower. Feeling a lil sad again. Cuz I know you wants to be with her. I sigh with you. I wish you know what I feel for you... I wish you love me too. But feeling is a part of our free-will. I think you know what I feel for you. And I think you're doing quite fine when I'm with you. Only if I hadn't find out that your twitter somehow got opened again and I can't help but check it so often. You do well, disregarding that part. Maybe you open it for her. Hoping that she'll see it one day and be touched. Just like how I open this blog and my twitter. Hoping that one day you will see what I want to tell you. Too much tho.. too much, cuz I thought of you too often... We're on similar boat don't we...
Anyways, after the idling of guarding and waiting people to come and get their lunch box, I came out with a conclusion of the day. (Say of the day cuz I got too much conclusions...) I want you. Whether if your priority is me or not, I want you. So, I'll just wait for you. And if you eventually stay with me, then that's a good ending for me. Angie says to let me be your guardian angel. Yes I will wait and think of you always.
Somehow when I types this entry, another thought comes to me. I process my thoughts while I type...
I want you to love me. But what have I done for you? What have I done that I deserve your loving me that I seek? Guess I need to find ways to express my feeling, or do something for you... if it aint of a bother.
Tell the truth. If it weren't that I found out about her, you're doing well and making me feel good and sweet. I can see the reason why you don't want me to see... I'll pretend that I didn't see anything. And hopefully you wont know if you don't happen to find out about this blog and twitter. But there's never a secret... babe, if you ever found out about this... please don't get angry... >< I really didn't meant to stalk you... Just want to know what you feel and what you're up to... And if there will ever be one day that you will actually mention about me... And babe... I was so tempted to tell you I love you today. But I guess I will wait... or until you tell me that you love me... if I weren't dreaming.
Tonight, I shall sleep well with the memory of your visiting today.
Then I saw that you update more things about her earlier. You were depressed. You so want to win her right... just like how I so want to win you. Then I started to wander... will you be happy with me... I want you to be happy. I want you to be with me... but will I be able to give you the happiness that you deserve or been looking for. It feels so contradicting, really. That I want to have you, but I don't know if I can make you happy the way you should be... maybe the way that you should have if you were with her... I feel lost.. and I feel sad.
After distributing lunch and finished my own. I feel so bored and want to run away from that not-so-encouraging thought. So I drop by Mr. Rabbani's office. Hadn't chat with him for a long time, still funny as usual. Yet I still can't help it but thought, hey, he knows about you. He is your good friend. How you two might have interact, will it be similar like how we chit chat fool fool? Just can't stop thinking about you. And Angie hadn't see him for a long time, so she say she gonna pass by something next week for a visit. Ha~ Mr. Rabbani got surprised by how fast Angie and I text each other. Finally, he had to left, so no more killing time in his office, back to upstairs by the workshop, linger around. Then you text me!!!! That you'll come over. OMG~ So I hurry return to my office.
I found a note that you left earlier, saying that you were there but I were out. Em, sir... how am I going to know who left this note if you didn't even left an initial? And I've never seen you write before? LOL~ You came. There're lecturers coming in and out of the office. Can't do anything much. But we got to chat a lil, kiss a lot, hug quite a few... I like to be in your arm and lay my upper body by your chest. It feels good~ like a sofa... ha ha... well that's a part. But the main part is that I'm with you. You have a strawberry scent do you know? You have flu, I knew that, but we kissed regardless. You look tired, and kept on closing your eyes from time to time. You've all kinds of different messages going into your phone, mainly from work. Though you looks happy, but you've that sadness hiding at the back of your eyes, I can see that. So wish I can wipe it away, but I know only time can do that. You looked at my lucky band I made with our initials, asking if anyone asked what it means. Well, ppl did ask I just didn't say what it means. Only Angie knows it. I wish I can spell it out for them. Letting closer friends know that I'm with you. That I'm yours. Or rather, I want to be yours, and want that you only have me. But since you're just dropping by, and there's many ppl around, and it seems that people from your office need that vehicle you drove, so you have to go. I managed to hold you back just for a lil longer. I so don't want to let you go, cuz I don't know when will we meet again. I always ask when can I see you again. You always say you don't know. I know it's true tho. Though we're in the same city, but we're both working. Expecially that you work through lunch, there's really not much time... I understand. But at least I bargained for a vamp. =P Now I've something to remind me that I was with you, and not thinking that I might be dreaming. Time spend with you flies, hope that I can hold it back a lil. But I feel so sweet, so so sweet. And I just can't stop smiling while thinking about you. I keep that lil note you left earlier in my purse. Something from you is like a treasure, it seems. I even dated it... how crazy!
Rest of the evening was quite quite busy... Night. Saw that you wanted to go out with her... It pulls my hyper mood lower. Feeling a lil sad again. Cuz I know you wants to be with her. I sigh with you. I wish you know what I feel for you... I wish you love me too. But feeling is a part of our free-will. I think you know what I feel for you. And I think you're doing quite fine when I'm with you. Only if I hadn't find out that your twitter somehow got opened again and I can't help but check it so often. You do well, disregarding that part. Maybe you open it for her. Hoping that she'll see it one day and be touched. Just like how I open this blog and my twitter. Hoping that one day you will see what I want to tell you. Too much tho.. too much, cuz I thought of you too often... We're on similar boat don't we...
Anyways, after the idling of guarding and waiting people to come and get their lunch box, I came out with a conclusion of the day. (Say of the day cuz I got too much conclusions...) I want you. Whether if your priority is me or not, I want you. So, I'll just wait for you. And if you eventually stay with me, then that's a good ending for me. Angie says to let me be your guardian angel. Yes I will wait and think of you always.
Somehow when I types this entry, another thought comes to me. I process my thoughts while I type...
I want you to love me. But what have I done for you? What have I done that I deserve your loving me that I seek? Guess I need to find ways to express my feeling, or do something for you... if it aint of a bother.
Tell the truth. If it weren't that I found out about her, you're doing well and making me feel good and sweet. I can see the reason why you don't want me to see... I'll pretend that I didn't see anything. And hopefully you wont know if you don't happen to find out about this blog and twitter. But there's never a secret... babe, if you ever found out about this... please don't get angry... >< I really didn't meant to stalk you... Just want to know what you feel and what you're up to... And if there will ever be one day that you will actually mention about me... And babe... I was so tempted to tell you I love you today. But I guess I will wait... or until you tell me that you love me... if I weren't dreaming.
Tonight, I shall sleep well with the memory of your visiting today.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Night out
Had a great night last night. After regular dinner, went to Shirley's farewell get-together. We ate cheesy fries, tostadas, pupusas, and I didn't have burritos, was way over full after 2 dinner. They taste nice~ and I thought that it was cool that they found little shops like that to dine in. I guess I just stayed home too much... ^^"
Greater part is, you text me. That made the night even better, on top of the good food. You are your usual self, kinky. But I like it. Wander if there are other topics that we would talk about tho, apart from that, game manga and animation. Maybe I'm getting greedy? Just want more and more and want whatever we have to go smooth and further. I admire lovers that shows existence of the other partner, that they are not afraid to show the love they have for each other. I admire the love shared between them, whenever they are, whichever age they are in, and even it's just a lil touchy move... I admire those simple happiness. I hope it will happen on me one day. I find that when I'm with you... play games, watch TV... just sit there, doing something, enjoy the accompany. Just hope that we can meet more often. I miss you, I really do.
Last night, had to tell grandpa that I'm going out... Gosh I don't think I ever do that! I think I usually just sneak out cuz back then I would just be in the community. Now I am in Belmopan, guess things change. Then I tell Angie that if I am afraid to tell grandpa that I'm goint out with them, what will I do with you? Wander if I'm just talking big. But I want you in my life. So I must do something to start with. Therefore, I gathered all my guts that I possible have, and then go tell him that I'm going out. He just said, "Oh." Er... I don't think he really likes how I put it. Cuz I was merely inform him that I am going out, and not asking for his permission to let me go out. Ppl usually ask him for his permission. Maybe he is not used to that. But I think that is safer than let him to have the opportunity of asking a lot of other questions for evaluation. Maybe he'll find time to have a talk with me or something. Just like what he did when I was with my ex. Wander if I will end up doing the same if I ever get married. But I think he will be definately be pissed off if I ever do that. Just feel sorry for not making him a part in decision making. But I guess I am not making anyone a part of the decision making except myself. Er.... I'm a bad child...
Anyways, last night was great. Hope that it continues as long as possible, cuz I REALLY want to see you soon.
Greater part is, you text me. That made the night even better, on top of the good food. You are your usual self, kinky. But I like it. Wander if there are other topics that we would talk about tho, apart from that, game manga and animation. Maybe I'm getting greedy? Just want more and more and want whatever we have to go smooth and further. I admire lovers that shows existence of the other partner, that they are not afraid to show the love they have for each other. I admire the love shared between them, whenever they are, whichever age they are in, and even it's just a lil touchy move... I admire those simple happiness. I hope it will happen on me one day. I find that when I'm with you... play games, watch TV... just sit there, doing something, enjoy the accompany. Just hope that we can meet more often. I miss you, I really do.
Last night, had to tell grandpa that I'm going out... Gosh I don't think I ever do that! I think I usually just sneak out cuz back then I would just be in the community. Now I am in Belmopan, guess things change. Then I tell Angie that if I am afraid to tell grandpa that I'm goint out with them, what will I do with you? Wander if I'm just talking big. But I want you in my life. So I must do something to start with. Therefore, I gathered all my guts that I possible have, and then go tell him that I'm going out. He just said, "Oh." Er... I don't think he really likes how I put it. Cuz I was merely inform him that I am going out, and not asking for his permission to let me go out. Ppl usually ask him for his permission. Maybe he is not used to that. But I think that is safer than let him to have the opportunity of asking a lot of other questions for evaluation. Maybe he'll find time to have a talk with me or something. Just like what he did when I was with my ex. Wander if I will end up doing the same if I ever get married. But I think he will be definately be pissed off if I ever do that. Just feel sorry for not making him a part in decision making. But I guess I am not making anyone a part of the decision making except myself. Er.... I'm a bad child...
Anyways, last night was great. Hope that it continues as long as possible, cuz I REALLY want to see you soon.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Reflection
Seems that I'm in rollarcoaster mood these days, in your absence. This always kill countless of my brain cell, when I'm drown in back and forth thoughts. My uncertainty. Rather, my insecurity of this uncertain condition. I hate this. I don't like the feeling of loneliness. I don't like the feeling of been forgotten. I don't like the feeling of been insignificant. I don't like the feeling of waiting. I don't like the feeling of not knowing my role. I don't like the feeling of been abandoned. I don't like the feeling of holding back my mood and pretend everything is ok... Most of all, I don't like the feeling of you thinking about someone else, when all I think about is you. You are cruel. In spite of knowing my need of closeness and want of you, you keep that distance and wall in between us. You love yourself, you love your space. Guess that's why I love you. One must love oneself for others to love one. Maybe I am cruel, that I should love you the way you want, not the way I want. I find sorts of reasons and blame it on myself. My habit of self reflection is not really helping now... I am pretty lost and helpless. I don't know what is the right thing to do. I don't know what you want me to do. I want you to love me but you don't, worse you hesitate to tell me who I am to you........ I'm tired of my confusing and revolving thoughts. It's driving me crazy. I'm driving myself crazy, not you. You're just helping me to drive myself insane.
I don't like myself like this.
I don't love myself. No confident. No whatsoever... I need to change
I need to love myself more than I love you. But I know it will just be a mask, and I cannot hide it for long.
Cuz deep inside, I know, that I will love you even if I get hurt.
Angie is speechless about me. She doesn't know what to say. She know me far too well. She knows sanity is useless here. She knows that I'm all over my head. She can only give advise, but I wont take it. She can only try to comfort me in my bad mood. I'm stubborn when I comes to the person I love, she said. Yes, I won't give up easily. That's is not so very good maybe... I can never learn when is the time to let go. And if I let go, I know we can't be friends. At least I wont be able, cuz I can't act like there is nothing happened, when I know that we had something special. I take it too deep inside that is unable to uproot. Though I can pretend, but not for long, cuz it'll hurt too much.
So, I am helpless. What can a helpless person do? I will try to stabilize my mood. Try not to be so reflective. Try to be cold, while I so passionately very want you. I hope I wont end up loosing myself. After all, my life is about me. Just that I am greedy and I want to carry ppl along with me in my life. But anyways...
I WANT YOU TO BE MINE. THAT IS CERTAIN.
I don't like myself like this.
I don't love myself. No confident. No whatsoever... I need to change
I need to love myself more than I love you. But I know it will just be a mask, and I cannot hide it for long.
Cuz deep inside, I know, that I will love you even if I get hurt.
Angie is speechless about me. She doesn't know what to say. She know me far too well. She knows sanity is useless here. She knows that I'm all over my head. She can only give advise, but I wont take it. She can only try to comfort me in my bad mood. I'm stubborn when I comes to the person I love, she said. Yes, I won't give up easily. That's is not so very good maybe... I can never learn when is the time to let go. And if I let go, I know we can't be friends. At least I wont be able, cuz I can't act like there is nothing happened, when I know that we had something special. I take it too deep inside that is unable to uproot. Though I can pretend, but not for long, cuz it'll hurt too much.
So, I am helpless. What can a helpless person do? I will try to stabilize my mood. Try not to be so reflective. Try to be cold, while I so passionately very want you. I hope I wont end up loosing myself. After all, my life is about me. Just that I am greedy and I want to carry ppl along with me in my life. But anyways...
I WANT YOU TO BE MINE. THAT IS CERTAIN.
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