I want to hold you

November had started a while back... and I realize that I had not write much for October.  Wonder how much entries will I make during November.

It's been about 10 days fter Hurricane Richard, the garden is now still on its way to recovery.  Just the money part need to be worried about... as usual... About you... hum... I don't know what to say.  I have that "just go with the flow" mindset... afterall, the reason that you keep me is quite clear... what else should I be expecting.  I'm being a little pessmistic here.  More than likely, I will get a "sorry, I don't think you are what I'm looking for" or "sorry, I tried but I just can't"... or something like that.  Than a... "... .."... just found out that I cannot even put in the words, cuz I've prevented myself to think about it.  Though I should have faith... but in what?  That you'll end up loving me and keep me with you or that you'll leave?  I feel confused... I don't know if I should hope and expect for the best so to have my faith in you?  Or should I expect the worst so it causes least damage on me?  One thing I'm sure tho... that you don't love me.  Just like me, not love... You don't even have to remind me...  Anyways... this is not the first time I think about it... so...... let's quit talking all these bullshit of mines.

However, I found myself less nervous to be with you.  I can almost be myself.  I like this feeling of casualty.  I hope it's a good sign.  Just hope that we can have more time spend together, as I hope usually.

Yesterday evening, I went to your work again.  It's our #8 meet.  It was a big rain, so I have to go by taxi, but I only have like... 7 or 8 dollars?  You paid for my way back.  You took me to that server room... Jeee..... IT'S FREEZING IN THERE!!!  I feel like if I spend any much longer in there with my half wet clothings, I gonna get sick... On out way leaving, we walk together to the bus terminal.  Is it that we walk fast or that happy time always runs fast?  We hold hand, not all the time, on our way.  Although I was the one holding yours.... hum... hope soon you'll want to hold my hand without me making the move.  We chit chat a little.  And you kissed me good bye.  Does it appear in my eyes that I want a kiss good bye? Or did you wanted to kiss me?  Was a light one tho.  But all I can see around is you you you.  As if the entire world is only you and me, and I don't care who may see us, but I just want to do the things that lovers would do with you.  I caught my taxi and left.  You never turn back after you walk away.

Babe babe... I love you...  I know you don't cuz you still wont say.  Should I stop saying it... cuz I think it kinda made you feel discomfort... knowing that I want to hear the same from you but you cannot tell me what I hope to hear.  Maybe I should stop saying it...

I love being with you... How long can this dream goes... Do I have the privilege to fall deeper for you?  Am I still in a position to keep dreaming further?...  I want you, and it had not changed.


[If casualty is real life, then all I want for us is casualty with you.] Perhaps with some romance.