Pioneer... and my almost bankruptcy...

Ahhhhh... it's hard~  it's hard~~ curiosity kills a trillion cats, I will say.  Should stop be so curious and wana find out.  So that I wont struggle so much.  Ah~~~~ what a bad habit... sigh

Was chatting with Angie over the phone this morning.  Talking about the already-known-obstacle from family that I will definitely face, especially from grandpa.  Angie says that I may be the pioneer in breaking those judgmental craps.  Hope so, pioneer or not, I'm stubborn, just like my grandpa.  I don't give up easily, especially when it comes to love.  What did she said?  "Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder."  Does that means that I think you are beautiful, and I'm your beholder?  AH HA HA HA.... I think you are beautiful, yes.  But I think I'm not your beholder yet...  I just love you, that's all.  Pioneer huh... If you love me... If I can see my future be settled with you.  Then I will definitely fight against it.  When will that happened?  Will that benefit my fellow love couples in struggles?  Heck, think too high of myself.  I just want to be with you, pioneer or not.  But a battle seems to be unpreventable...  If you are there, with faith that we can be together, with faith in love I will fight for us.

Though I still wander what have I done or should I done to deserve your love of which I seek.  Or perhaps do nothing?  I wander if I do enough.  I wander if what I can offer is what you want.  I wander if you will be happy with me...  I wander...  I want you to be happy...

Yet, I'm thankful.  That you are there.  That I can miss you.  That I'm able to feel you with my senses.  That I'm still alive to experience these.  I'm thankful about that.

===============Just as another note===============

My bank almost hits to the tenths.  Spending.  Spending.  Spending.  It's never enough...  Now I'm worried where am I gonna get money for your Christmas gift.  Though a friend says that at Christmas (eve), one just wana spend time with friends and family.  I wander if I will be around... rather, I wander if you will want me to be around... even further, I wander if we'll still be together.  Anyways, so far, maybe we can make it there...  Hum... let me calculate for you why I almost go bankrupt... so that you wont think that I am a big spender, although I can be... ha!
Monthly income: $1400
Monthly expenditure: as follow...
Every month I give my mom $700.  For...syndicate (not the criminal one... just ppl putting money together... to save money.)  Sometimes an extra $50 for grocery or stuff.
I pay 1/2 for electricity, internet, and cable.  No water because we have a well, but I guess it adds on to the electricity for the pump.  No phone bill cuz BTL hadn't made up their mind, so we've been using cellphone since.  Regular bill itself is a little over $300
Jason's violin class, $100 a month, and some $7x for exam whenever...
So that leave me $300 to spend on, excluding occasional cell-phone credit top up and exam fee for Jason.  No need to mention school fees.....

More grocery items~ almost every shopping exceed $50...
Other sundries expenditure like... shampoo, face wash, lotion, yada yada...
More other little expenditure like... buy-for-the-sake-of-friend muffin, get-together food, take-turn-to-treat smoothies
More other little expenditure like... give-Betty-a-treat-today tea/ fresh juice/ drink

Especially while Mickey doesn't have income (summer break), he had to rely on me to pay for him first... but luckily he records what he owe me, so I aint really loosing much, which means there must be things he forgotten.

So, I'm near bankrupt.  I should say that I spend more than what I earned.  I had $2000 something in my bank account last year, when I was just giving my mom $350 a month... guess all this house and garden thingings exceed what I can bear with my income... hope that increment will be approved...!!!!  By next October, after we finished that whatever thing (a group of ppl get together, put together money monthly, and take turn to use it.), guess then I can start to save my $700 per month...  Wander if I'll have enough to go to UK at 2012... wander if I can travel at that time.... (I'm thinking about maternity leave already.... my crazy head...)

Anyways, I still feel thankful and feel fortunate, because I'm able to give.  I'm able to help my family.  Also, I'm able to give my love you to... I'm thankful... Cuz I'm still able to give...