Pioneer... and my almost bankruptcy...

Ahhhhh... it's hard~  it's hard~~ curiosity kills a trillion cats, I will say.  Should stop be so curious and wana find out.  So that I wont struggle so much.  Ah~~~~ what a bad habit... sigh

Was chatting with Angie over the phone this morning.  Talking about the already-known-obstacle from family that I will definitely face, especially from grandpa.  Angie says that I may be the pioneer in breaking those judgmental craps.  Hope so, pioneer or not, I'm stubborn, just like my grandpa.  I don't give up easily, especially when it comes to love.  What did she said?  "Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder."  Does that means that I think you are beautiful, and I'm your beholder?  AH HA HA HA.... I think you are beautiful, yes.  But I think I'm not your beholder yet...  I just love you, that's all.  Pioneer huh... If you love me... If I can see my future be settled with you.  Then I will definitely fight against it.  When will that happened?  Will that benefit my fellow love couples in struggles?  Heck, think too high of myself.  I just want to be with you, pioneer or not.  But a battle seems to be unpreventable...  If you are there, with faith that we can be together, with faith in love I will fight for us.

Though I still wander what have I done or should I done to deserve your love of which I seek.  Or perhaps do nothing?  I wander if I do enough.  I wander if what I can offer is what you want.  I wander if you will be happy with me...  I wander...  I want you to be happy...

Yet, I'm thankful.  That you are there.  That I can miss you.  That I'm able to feel you with my senses.  That I'm still alive to experience these.  I'm thankful about that.

===============Just as another note===============

My bank almost hits to the tenths.  Spending.  Spending.  Spending.  It's never enough...  Now I'm worried where am I gonna get money for your Christmas gift.  Though a friend says that at Christmas (eve), one just wana spend time with friends and family.  I wander if I will be around... rather, I wander if you will want me to be around... even further, I wander if we'll still be together.  Anyways, so far, maybe we can make it there...  Hum... let me calculate for you why I almost go bankrupt... so that you wont think that I am a big spender, although I can be... ha!
Monthly income: $1400
Monthly expenditure: as follow...
Every month I give my mom $700.  For...syndicate (not the criminal one... just ppl putting money together... to save money.)  Sometimes an extra $50 for grocery or stuff.
I pay 1/2 for electricity, internet, and cable.  No water because we have a well, but I guess it adds on to the electricity for the pump.  No phone bill cuz BTL hadn't made up their mind, so we've been using cellphone since.  Regular bill itself is a little over $300
Jason's violin class, $100 a month, and some $7x for exam whenever...
So that leave me $300 to spend on, excluding occasional cell-phone credit top up and exam fee for Jason.  No need to mention school fees.....

More grocery items~ almost every shopping exceed $50...
Other sundries expenditure like... shampoo, face wash, lotion, yada yada...
More other little expenditure like... buy-for-the-sake-of-friend muffin, get-together food, take-turn-to-treat smoothies
More other little expenditure like... give-Betty-a-treat-today tea/ fresh juice/ drink

Especially while Mickey doesn't have income (summer break), he had to rely on me to pay for him first... but luckily he records what he owe me, so I aint really loosing much, which means there must be things he forgotten.

So, I'm near bankrupt.  I should say that I spend more than what I earned.  I had $2000 something in my bank account last year, when I was just giving my mom $350 a month... guess all this house and garden thingings exceed what I can bear with my income... hope that increment will be approved...!!!!  By next October, after we finished that whatever thing (a group of ppl get together, put together money monthly, and take turn to use it.), guess then I can start to save my $700 per month...  Wander if I'll have enough to go to UK at 2012... wander if I can travel at that time.... (I'm thinking about maternity leave already.... my crazy head...)

Anyways, I still feel thankful and feel fortunate, because I'm able to give.  I'm able to help my family.  Also, I'm able to give my love you to... I'm thankful... Cuz I'm still able to give...

Adjust

Bad habit is really hard to quit...  Expecially when it's something about you.  urgh... this sucks.  It's been 13 hours not checking your update, in which 6 hours I slept, 1 hour I try to get ready to work, so it's actually only 6 hours or so, when I have a chance to but didn't.  Well, I kill my time trying to do some work, run to boss office from time to time to answer phone calls (my phone abandoned me), look at some interesting or hideous pictures online, and also trying to continue search for a Christmas present for you...  And Angie come over at 1pm after her school meeting by the Guadalupe Church, so someone to draw my attention away...  And I peeping at the vamp from time to time and reliving how I wrapped my hands around your head...  Angie is by one of her friend now, we'll go take a visit by Mr. Rabbani's office later, since he claimed last week Friday that they hadn't met in ages...?  So, ya... I'm doing ok without you.  Hope this will last longer than my little patient.  Knowing you may be up to million and one things, I better leave it for you to contact me.  I send my text with kiss and smile last night and you didn't reply~ so you can't say that I forget about you... ha~ You know I cannot forget about you...  Don't you go forget about me tho...

I'm keeping myself away from what you don't want to show me.  I'm giving you back the privacy you claim. You become a mystery again, or even more.  Only if you bother to know me, I'll be a mystery as well.  It's fair... it's fair...  I'll be loyal to you on my part.  Your part is up to you, just remember that there is karma in the world...  I smile...

===================================

I don't know what to get you for your Christmas, if we're still together...
I found myself looking at...
Kuchiki Byakuya's animation figure~ but you already have one... urgh
Legend of Zelda Link's animation figure~ it doesn't really look good...
Legend of Zelda tri-force power belt bucket~ wander how will it look on you...
HIM Heartagram belt bucket~ wander if you're still very into the band...
2TB HD - Jimmy is thinking to get some from US to sell, so I shd get a ok price~ but still expensive... but cheaper compare to here~ but I don't think it's in my budget...
wireless earphone - Also what Jimmy wants to import.... Feel that it may be kinda cheap for a Christmas present?
Chain made out of titanium or some kind of metal... I wand a couple chain, but I don't know if you like the idea... but maybe a single one will work... there are so many options that got me undecidal... (I still want a couple/pair one!!!)
Jimmy says something like perfume or shirt or something... I don't know what perfume/colongue you use.. I don't think you will like shirt that you will not use for a long time, assuming that you will be loosing weight...



And you will already have ordered all the games that you will be playing, that part is not even my speciality... no need to mention...

Wander what else can I get for you...

I feel ugly

I feel ugly...  I want to quit stalking you...  Glad that there seems no sensitive updates, but..  I get jealous sometimes, I even get offended a lil that you trying to keep me out from things.  But I'm the one invading the "privacy" that you don't wana show me.  I feel jealous when you mention about her, and how your emotion changes because of her... I feel ugly... cuz I want you to be with me...  I feel that I have bad mind...  and if I keep on like this, then I wont deserve you.  I need to quit "stalking" on your updates.

Is it possible to be love for who you are?  I don't know.  But since there is a saying that "nothing is impossible", then I think it's possible that someone will love you for who you are.  Maybe I shd not say that I love you to that extend, I'm still figuring it out.  I can only say that I appreciate your existence, and I like the part of you that you showed me (I think maybe that is 1/100 of you...?).  And for right now, my goal is trying to let you love me.  I'm trying...  Cuz I to be with you... I want you... I don't know why...  But you makes me feel happy and in love, and butterfly in my heart...  Time will tell me.. how do I love you~

No sense

I think I'm in good mood today...

I think it makes no sense to check your status now and again, cuz the fact wont change.  The only benefit is that I got to know how you're doing, like catch flu or having a good birthday or something.  And it's the only other source of information from you apart from phone, which you claim you don't check often.

I love you for who you are... the others don't really matter~ that's what I feel now... Start to miss you already.

I'll try not to check on it then... I really do think that I'm in a content mood today...

UPs and downs

There is an all day workshop today.  So, I'm not in my office but by the Jaguar building.  You text me saying that you were in my office, but I weren't there.  Jeez!  I can feel that my blood went up to my head all of a sudden.  I so want to see you so I wanted to go over that same instance to meet you.  But apparently you didnt have phone with you, and when you text me you're back in your office already.  I just can't stop feeling wanting to say danm danm danm~~ I so wish I were there!!!  I'm glad that you dropped by, it means that you remember me.  I'm happy about that~ but on the other hand, I didn't get to see you and it feels soooooo let-down~~~ >

Then I saw that you update more things about her earlier.  You were depressed.  You so want to win her right... just like how I so want to win you.  Then I started to wander... will you be happy with me...  I want you to be happy.  I want you to be with me... but will I be able to give you the happiness that you deserve or been looking for.  It feels so contradicting, really.  That I want to have you, but I don't know if I can make you happy the way you should be... maybe the way that you should have if you were with her... I feel lost.. and I feel sad.

After distributing lunch and finished my own.  I feel so bored and want to run away from that not-so-encouraging thought.  So I drop by Mr. Rabbani's office.  Hadn't chat with him for a long time, still funny as usual.  Yet I still can't help it but thought, hey, he knows about you.  He is your good friend.  How you two might have interact, will it be similar like how we chit chat fool fool?  Just can't stop thinking about you.  And Angie hadn't see him for a long time, so she say she gonna pass by something next week for a visit.  Ha~ Mr. Rabbani got surprised by how fast Angie and I text each other.  Finally, he had to left, so no more killing time in his office, back to upstairs by the workshop, linger around.  Then you text me!!!! That you'll come over.  OMG~  So I hurry return to my office.

I found a note that you left earlier, saying that you were there but I were out.  Em, sir... how am I going to know who left this note if you didn't even left an initial?  And I've never seen you write before?  LOL~  You came.  There're lecturers coming in and out of the office.  Can't do anything much.  But we got to chat a lil, kiss a lot, hug quite a few... I like to be in your arm and lay my upper body by your chest.  It feels good~ like a sofa... ha ha... well that's a part.  But the main part is that I'm with you.  You have a strawberry scent do you know?  You have flu, I knew that, but we kissed regardless.  You look tired, and kept on closing your eyes from time to time.  You've all kinds of different messages going into your phone, mainly from work.  Though you looks happy, but you've that sadness hiding at the back of your eyes, I can see that.  So wish I can wipe it away, but I know only time can do that.  You looked at my lucky band I made with our initials, asking if anyone asked what it means.  Well, ppl did ask I just didn't say what it means.  Only Angie knows it.  I wish I can spell it out for them.  Letting closer friends know that I'm with you.  That I'm yours.  Or rather, I want to be yours, and want that you only have me.  But since you're just dropping by, and there's many ppl around, and it seems that people from your office need that vehicle you drove, so you have to go.  I managed to hold you back just for a lil longer.  I so don't want to let you go, cuz I don't know when will we meet again.  I always ask when can I see you again.  You always say you don't know.  I know it's true tho.  Though we're in the same city, but we're both working.  Expecially that you work through lunch, there's really not much time... I understand.  But at least I bargained for a vamp.  =P  Now I've something to remind me that I was with you, and not thinking that I might be dreaming.  Time spend with you flies, hope that I can hold it back a lil.  But I feel so sweet, so so sweet.  And I just can't stop smiling while thinking about you.  I keep that lil note you left earlier in my purse.  Something from you is like a treasure, it seems.  I even dated it... how crazy!

Rest of the evening was quite quite busy... Night.  Saw that you wanted to go out with her...  It pulls my hyper mood lower.  Feeling a lil sad again.  Cuz I know you wants to be with her.  I sigh with you.  I wish you know what I feel for you... I wish you love me too.  But feeling is a part of our free-will.  I think you know what I feel for you.  And I think you're doing quite fine when I'm with you.  Only if I hadn't find out that your twitter somehow got opened again and I can't help but check it so often.  You do well, disregarding that part.  Maybe you open it for her.  Hoping that she'll see it one day and be touched.  Just like how I open this blog and my twitter.  Hoping that one day you will see what I want to tell you.  Too much tho.. too much, cuz I thought of you too often...  We're on similar boat don't we...

Anyways, after the idling of guarding and waiting people to come and get their lunch box, I came out with a conclusion of the day.  (Say of the day cuz I got too much conclusions...)  I want you.  Whether if your priority is me or not, I want you.  So, I'll just wait for you.  And if you eventually stay with me, then that's a good ending for me.  Angie says to let me be your guardian angel.  Yes I will wait and think of you always.

Somehow when I types this entry, another thought comes to me.  I process my thoughts while I type...
I want you to love me.  But what have I done for you?  What have I done that I deserve your loving me that I seek?  Guess I need to find ways to express my feeling, or do something for you...  if it aint of a bother.

Tell the truth.  If it weren't that I found out about her, you're doing well and making me feel good and sweet.  I can see the reason why you don't want me to see... I'll pretend that I didn't see anything.  And hopefully you wont know if you don't happen to find out about this blog and twitter.  But there's never a secret... babe, if you ever found out about this... please don't get angry... ><  I really didn't meant to stalk you... Just want to know what you feel and what you're up to...  And if there will ever be one day that you will actually mention about me... And babe... I was so tempted to tell you I love you today.  But I guess I will wait... or until you tell me that you love me... if I weren't dreaming.

Tonight, I shall sleep well with the memory of your visiting today.

Night out

Had a great night last night.  After regular dinner, went to Shirley's farewell get-together.  We ate cheesy fries, tostadas, pupusas, and I didn't have burritos, was way over full after 2 dinner.  They taste nice~ and I thought that it was cool that they found little shops like that to dine in.  I guess I just stayed home too much... ^^"

Greater part is, you text me.  That made the night even better, on top of the good food.  You are your usual self, kinky.  But I like it.  Wander if there are other topics that we would talk about tho, apart from that, game manga and animation.  Maybe I'm getting greedy?  Just want more and more and want whatever we have to go smooth and further.  I admire lovers that shows existence of the other partner, that they are not afraid to show the love they have for each other.  I admire the love shared between them, whenever they are, whichever age they are in, and even it's just a lil touchy move... I admire those simple happiness.  I hope it will happen on me one day.  I find that when I'm with you... play games, watch TV... just sit there, doing something, enjoy the accompany.  Just hope that we can meet more often.  I miss you, I really do.

Last night, had to tell grandpa that I'm going out... Gosh I don't think I ever do that!  I think I usually just sneak out cuz back then I would just be in the community.  Now I am in Belmopan, guess things change.  Then I tell Angie that if I am afraid to tell grandpa that I'm goint out with them, what will I do with you?  Wander if I'm just talking big.  But I want you in my life.  So I must do something to start with.  Therefore, I gathered all my guts that I possible have, and then go tell him that I'm going out.  He just said, "Oh."  Er... I don't think he really likes how I put it.  Cuz I was merely inform him that I am going out, and not asking for his permission to let me go out.  Ppl usually ask him for his permission.  Maybe he is not used to that.  But I think that is safer than let him to have the opportunity of asking a lot of other questions for evaluation.  Maybe he'll find time to have a talk with me or something.  Just like what he did when I was with my ex.  Wander if I will end up doing the same if I ever get married.  But I think he will be definately be pissed off if I ever do that.  Just feel sorry for not making him a part in decision making.  But I guess I am not making anyone a part of the decision making except myself.  Er.... I'm a bad child...

Anyways, last night was great.  Hope that it continues as long as possible, cuz I REALLY want to see you soon.

Reflection

Seems that I'm in rollarcoaster mood these days, in your absence.  This always kill countless of my brain cell, when I'm drown in back and forth thoughts.  My uncertainty.  Rather, my insecurity of this uncertain condition.  I hate this.  I don't like the feeling of loneliness.  I don't like the feeling of been forgotten.  I don't like the feeling of been insignificant.  I don't like the feeling of waiting.  I don't like the feeling of not knowing my role.  I don't like the feeling of been abandoned.  I don't like the feeling of holding back my mood and pretend everything is ok... Most of all, I don't like the feeling of you thinking about someone else, when all I think about is you.  You are cruel.  In spite of knowing my need of closeness and want of you, you keep that distance and wall in between us.  You love yourself, you love your space.  Guess that's why I love you.  One must love oneself for others to love one.  Maybe I am cruel, that I should love you the way you want, not the way I want.  I find sorts of reasons and blame it on myself.  My habit of self reflection is not really helping now...  I am pretty lost and helpless.  I don't know what is the right thing to do.  I don't know what you want me to do.  I want you to love me but you don't, worse you hesitate to tell me who I am to you........ I'm tired of my confusing and revolving thoughts.  It's driving me crazy.  I'm driving myself crazy, not you.  You're just helping me to drive myself insane.

I don't like myself like this.
I don't love myself.  No confident.  No whatsoever... I need to change
I need to love myself more than I love you.  But I know it will just be a mask, and I cannot hide it for long.
Cuz deep inside, I know, that I will love you even if I get hurt.

Angie is speechless about me.  She doesn't know what to say.  She know me far too well.  She knows sanity is useless here.  She knows that I'm all over my head.  She can only give advise, but I wont take it.  She can only try to comfort me in my bad mood.  I'm stubborn when I comes to the person I love, she said.  Yes, I won't give up easily.  That's is not so very good maybe...  I can never learn when is the time to let go.  And if I let go, I know we can't be friends.  At least I wont be able, cuz I can't act like there is nothing happened, when I know that we had something special.  I take it too deep inside that is unable to uproot.  Though I can pretend, but not for long, cuz it'll hurt too much.

So, I am helpless.  What can a helpless person do?  I will try to stabilize my mood.  Try not to be so reflective.  Try to be cold, while I so passionately very want you.  I hope I wont end up loosing myself.  After all, my life is about me.  Just that I am greedy and I want to carry ppl along with me in my life.  But anyways...


I WANT YOU TO BE MINE.  THAT IS CERTAIN.

won't

You won't hear me.  When I scream in my mind.
You won't see me.  When I cry in the nights,
You won't feel me. When my heart torn by your knife.

Despite of how much emotion I have.

You won't know it.

Cuz you don't care...
Cuz I hide it away...

Wander if one day I will get numb with this feeling.
But by then, I won't be living a life anymore...


Who am I to you, anyways?

You didn't answer.  Guess you don't know yourself.  Or should I take your silent as an answer?  That I'm nobody to you....?

Thinking through

I wish I'm asleep.  Yea, going to bed right after this.  Had worship tonight and needed to travel back to the community.  On my way there and back, was closing my eyes for a rest but kept thinking about you.  Then, something pop up in my mind.  Hum... Why is my emotion variate so much these days.  I'm the same me.  I've live a few years being happy most of the time without anyone considered as my partnet.  Now, with you, I must be even happier, and why am I having negative emotions?  Well, of course, we could meet more often.  But I think I should enjoy my time alone, enjoy the space you allowed between us.  I shouldn't allow this relationship to have negative emotional influence on me.  I'm in this relationship cuz I want to be happy and enjoy it, then it wont make sense if my "thoughtfulness" suffocate both of us.  (But you sure don't like to keep in touch huh...)


So, for right now, I wont think too much then.  Afterall, we still have time.  Not much, but still have some.  Will see how long this positive-ish vibe keeps working on me.

Yet, I still wana see you tho~ = =

Drowned by work, but mostly by missing you

Boss is back~ Though he is not well yet and may take off Thursday and Friday again.  Well, spend must be like 3 hours in his office discussing about work.... and of course, by the time when I left there, what do you expect, a whole pile of works to be done... ha... .... @@"... Well, had took enough time idling last week, guess it's time to get back on track~~~ Yea Betty go go!!!

I still miss you~  Yesterday Betty send a kiss to DOm-sama, I think he likes it~ virtual kiss, what to expect~ ha ha... want the real one...  Although initially I'm not a big fan on kissing, but lately I like it much more.  You kiss well~^///^   Babe I think about you so often~~~  And despite of the load of works, I still find time to text you that I still miss you a lot.  Er... I just do~~~ And I just wana let you know. And to say "I like you" out of a sudden sounds weird.  And "I love you"... I shouldn't say that yet... Not before I am sure that you wont be bother by those three words yet.  But yes, I do like you.. a lot a lot...

Got this from the web... nevertheless it expresses my feeling.

I miss you crazily.  (ooops I said it again...)  Hope to see you soon...  I really hope...  And eating lunch while crossing fingers feels uncomfortable, will cross my legs instead.  :P

God knows how long I can bear this feeling before I appear by your office door, desperately needing of love.

Ease

You texted me!! (Why do I have to report this...?)  Well, whatever.

You got me on good mood tho, lucky you!  Cuz I was watching Bleach~ ha ha...  Ya... Thanks for texting.  Better late than never.  At least you care to explain.

Babe, many times I feel lost and confused.  But just your regular-day-tune text can comfort my unsureness and ease my tension. You make magic happen to me.  I don't really know what to feel now.  Don't want to analyze and go back to the mood I had when I was trying to fall asleep last night.  I want to just stay in this mood, and go to bed with a smile on my face.  Cuz you text me today.  And I am glad.  I am enjoying your text to the extend that maybe you cannot comprehend.

Guess, finally tonight, I can sleep comfortably.
Ya~ we are both 26 huh~  Glad that you enjoyed your birthday.
Although, I really wish I can celebrate it with you.  (Thanks to your "no birthday attention, period.")(Yes, I'm being sarcastic)

Happy Birthday...

Let's make this more proper...

(clearing throat)

Happy Birthday to you~
Happy Birthday to you~
Happy Birthday my Dear Darling~
Happy Birthday to you~

We wish you many more~
We wish you many more~
Happy Birthday my Dear Darling~
Happy Birthday to you~

@@@@@@@

iiiiiiiiii

|:H:a:p:p:y:|

__|___________|__

|^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^|

|:B:i:r:t:h:d:a:y:|

|　　    　　　　　 |

@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@

Baby~ although you wont see this, but I wish you happy birthday from the bottom of my heart. They say hearts connect with one another. Hope you can feel mines for you. Now make your wishes~~~ Blow the candles~~~ May your wishes come true~~~

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU~~~

not a big deal

Just now a cousin asked how am I doing. (The same one says that you may be frightened) I said not too good, because I hadn't see you in two weeks. He says, two weeks? not a big deal... And I went speechless. Ya... maybe it's not a big deal for men... hum...@@

And he says, I fell too deep and maybe I should adjust myself. And ask... don't you have your own thing to do? I went speechless again... Ya... I've been concentrating on you too much and I couldn't focus on my work...

What can I say... Thanks Cousin Tai-Yen, you always have some wake-up calls for me...

And then he suggest me to see a series on fox call "Lie to me"...
http://www.fox.com/lietome/
I think that is exactly what I wana say.... "Truth hurts, lie to me."


Alright~ I gone off to do my own thing. Find me when you want... ="=

Oh ya~ Happy Birthday again, babe. Rather... Happy BooBoo Day to you~ =P Since you don't like birthday~ ha ha ha

drained

I dreamt about you last night. Well, not really about you. I dreamt that I'm holding our baby. It's a girl. That you take us to a trip to a festival, then to a resort. But you don't appear often, I saw you chatting with your friends. So, most of the time I'm holding our baby girl, walking around. She is so beautiful and melt my heart. I wander if I daydream about being with you too often, that this dream appears. Well actually, I'm with you yes, just that you ain't with me.

Today is your birthday. Happy Birthday, my dear. I do hope you enjoy the day and that your wishes come true. Even if it will hurt me. I know you want to be with her. I even wander if you want to spend your birthday with me. These two days, a chinese song somehow keeps on popping up in my mind. The part of the lyric kept on coming is like... "...Counting down 3 seconds, I will start to try my best to forget about you. Sometimes love is like a serious flu. Wait until the fever is gone, and it will be fine..." I wander... does that means that I want to give up? Or do I think that... you like her, so it's best if I start preparing myself to get heart broken?

I won't give up on you, at least not now. Not when you are falling, like this. I'll back you up... and give up when you find your happiness, if it's not me.

Will you ever see me again... My love energy meter is so low. I doubt myself... even stronger. Yet, I need to pretend that I'm fine. So ppl around me will like you, if they ever get to know about you... Angie is right... I just want to be with you, period. As stubborn as your no birthday attention, period.

I think that my love battery had depleted... so the text I send to you earlier will be my last text. It's your turn now. Maybe another week, maybe? You seems okay without me...

ok.... maybe I says thing too early... I couldn't help it so I called and got voice mail and another text. So, that will be the last then.

It's fine. On the persuit of happiness.

I thought I ran out of tears, and become stone-hearted. But I prove myself wrong. Cried myself to sleep last night. That cry baby is back. Why? I don't know. As I take my usual final look on your picture on my desktop before I go to bed, tingling feeling gets to my nose and tears starts dripping down. I miss you so much. And I can't take it.

So what if I'm not your priority when it comes to partner? So what if you bear someone special to you in your heart? So what? You are not cheating on me, physically. However, mentally you're not off the hook. So what? I asked myself. So what? I would still love you hopelessly. I still cannot or rather don't want to drag myself away from you. I love you so. After all, you gave me a chance to be with you. You try to protect me from the hurting truth that I am not meant to discover. Maybe you do care about me after all. Maybe. So I don't have to worry. Maybe. I should hold on to that chance, cuz there's nothing else I want to do in regards to this situation, apart from keep on loving you. As long as I feel for you, then that's the least I need to keep going. If you are willing to be with me, I don't mind if I have to give it all. I don't mind if I'm the one putting more love into the relationship. I don't mind, cuz I love you, and love I shall give. I will leave you up for your own decision or leave it to fade or change. I'll give you the love that I can offer. Hope that you'll see me one day...

Although I'm afraid and I'm scared, I'm trying to be strong. There may be times that I tumble, but I should find my feet and stand up. I'm going along with my favorite song. And I want you, cuz be with you makes me happy and feel alive. For this, I'm willing to take my chances...

================

Happy - Leona Lewis

Someone once told me that you have to choose
What you win or lose, you can't have everything
Don't you take chances, you might feel the pain
Don't you love in vain 'cause love won't set you free
I could stand by the side and watch this life pass me by
So unhappy, but safe as could be

So what if it hurts me?
So what if I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground?

I gotta find my place, I wanna hear my sound
Don't care about all the pain in front of me
'Cause I'm just trying to be happy, ya
Just wanna be happy, ya

Holding on tightly, just can't let it go
Just trying to play my role, slowly disappear, oh
But all these days, they feel like they're the same
Just different faces, different names, get me out of here
But I can't stand by your side, oh no
And watch this life pass me by, pass me by

So what if it hurts me?
So what if I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground?

I gotta find my place, I wanna hear my sound
Don't care about all the pain in front of me
'Cause I'm just trying to be happy, oh, happy, oh

So any turns that I can't see
Like I'm a stranger on this road
But don't say victim, don't say anything

So what if it hurts me?
So what if I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground?

I gotta find my place, I wanna hear my sound
Don't care about all the pain in front of me
I just wanna be happy, oh, yeah, happy, oh, happy
I just wanna be, oh, I just wanna be happy
Oh, happy

depressed

I think I sleep too late nowadays. People says that lack of sleep will make one's emotion and pressure bearing limit go down. I feel depressed. This is not good. Really not good...


You said it's better to call you late evenings. (I will)
You said that you'll see if you can come sometime soon. (I look forward)
You said you are not mushy, so you don't miss me. (I knew I shouldn't ask)

You seems to be in a good mood. That's good.
I wish I can chase away that insecure feeling of mines. I wish I never went back there. So I must be very happy now with your text. I shouldn't go back there. Now I'm tasting the bitter fruit of the truth... Cannot return to Garden of Eden again... The once naive me... when can I get her back? I shouldn't find out, should just sit and wait... like a doll.

You seems to be glad that I miss you a lot. Is that why you said you don't miss me? To let me feel hanging? I look forward for you to come, yet I feel sad... Cuz I don't know when will you come... I feel like crying, but my tear wont appear. I used to cry a lot, but not nowadays. I feel like hiding into unknown space, but I don't want that when you look for me, you can't find me. I miss you terribly. I mean really terribly. Obsessed can be used as a word. I'm trying to hold myself down. I feel suffocate in this stagnant situation. I want to run away... or break it... I even fear to eat lunch early, in case you should decide to come, at least I can let you enjoy it.

This wait and what went on had gave me too much impact. I should just smile and be positive. But til you remove those walls between us, I guess I can never feel ease. I can never feel secure that you are mines too... I feel like I am an idiot. But I'm happy to be an idiot when I'm with you. Sad too. I think I am an idiot when it comes to love.... I'm just hopeless...

I don't want to be in this relationship alone... Where are you...?

I should trust you, I really should. I should listen to you, stop "stalking" you and find out the truth. I want to make you happy. But how can I when I'm feeling sad? I'm breaking down. I'm falling deep. I'm afraid. Please catch me.

I miss you

Last night, I couldn't fall asleep easily, turning around, changing all sort of positions. I thought about you, as usual. But despite of what is haunting me, I remembered the sweet memories we shared. I got to believe that you do like me. You look so genuine, and we were talking, laughing, and happy. Those memories lead me to sleep eventually. I want to fall asleep beside you, and wake up the next morning in your arms. I don't like these chaos that is going around these days. (mainly by myself and my friends' relationship...) I just want a simple life. Why does it seems so hard...?

Yes, you have unsolved matters in your heart that you don't want me to know. I wish I can ease whatever you are experiencing. But I can't. Then I wish I didn't find out, but I'm glad that I found out... I'm lost...

The only thing I can do now is to wait for you, and show you a big smile when I see you. I want you to feel happy when you're with me. That's all I can do for you.

[I miss you][I miss your hugs][I miss your temperature][I miss your kisses][I miss your smiles][I miss your voice][I miss your smell][I miss your eyes][I miss you holding my hand][I miss you]


So I will close my eyes and only remember about what's between us.

sigh

I think I am a spare...

again... ha
Though I feel sad, my tears wont even come out...
I sit like a status, my mind far far gone.


Sitting alone on the varanda,
I gaze at a star lightyears away.
Through distance and time, I'm able to see it, tonight.
If I persist like the star, will you finally see me one day?

[How if you don't ever see me...?]


Maybe you're trying to protect me like this. So I don't feel worry. (Or maybe spare should just be innocent so if you get to me, then there is no need for explaination?) I want to be naive. I don't want to see the truth... If I can, I want you to spoil me and make me live without worry but loving you. But have you ever thought, how if I find out one day? Like now. Wont that be worse? I thought my heart had shattered, you prove that damage can still be done.

But I know what that feels like. You're holding on the chances to get her back. If you let people know about us, if she got to hear about me, then your chance is gone, maybe. Just like I holding onto myself, after you had left. That I know if I get with someone else, then that draws an end to the fantasy to be with you. I know that sad feeling. You hang on there, for her... for her to turn back and give you a smile, and telling you what you want to hear the most... while I hold myself here for you. Pitty that we are the same, to an extend.

I won't say anything about this, cuz I shouldn't know. I'm not deceiving. I'm just trying put myself together, pretend unknown and unharmed, so that I can still wait for you. So that you can believe you made me as happy as you can. So that I can keep on smiling for you.


Funny that we always wait for someone we can't get, while there's someone waiting for us. I can pretty much understand that...

Yet nevertheless, I still hope you get what you want, even if I'm not the person... I still want you to be happy... I don't like to see you feeling down, and sad... like this.... It tears me apart, and confused. You still have me, you know... only if you can see me waiting right here... Hope to see your smile soon....:)

It's alright

Am I pathetic?

I don't know. I don't care.
Cuz I don't like the other options, of what I can do~
You said not to worry, so I wont.
It's useless to worry anyhow. Meaningless.
Though my mind still spinning... Guess I should be cold to myself after all.
To remain calm and cool. Yes this AC is helping. My hands feel almost like vampire's again. It can freeze my heart too. I hadn't drop a tear. There is no need for tear, at least for now.

It's okay if you don't love me. At least you like me.
It's okay if you don't trust me. At least you let me be with you.
I still have chance to change that, as long as you give me time... as long as you let me stay by you. Then it's okay...

as I said...
until wind of changes blow my scattered heart all away.
until then, I shall love you.


I hope this will be my last one~
You woke my love that I once thought had died. So you can kill it if you like.
Don't need leave any piece for me... you can take it all with you, if you should go.
Cuz by then I wont need it anymore.

It's okay... It will all be fine in the end.
One way or the other... right?

Angie said, do not expect, so there wont be a let down. So I shouldn't, then anything will be a bonus. I should be happy to start with, that I met you, that you came back, that I actually get to feel you, that you said you like me, that we are together. So, yes. I should be happy and thankful. Don't want to give you any pressure. And I don't think you will take pressure from me.

Happy Chinese Valentine... my dear

I SHALL BE RESPONSIBLE FOR MY OWN HAPPINESS...
I SHALL BE PROUD AND STRONG, EVEN WHEN IT IS HARD...

but right now, I just feel like sinking into blue hole...


had a lil long chat with Jimmy (He is Mickey's best friend and somewhat like a big bro to me) this morning... and it got me thinking...
If I cannot share your happiness, sadness, bitterness, and everything in between... why do you need me?
If I cannot count on you, on anything that I would share with a boy friend. Then why are you my boyfriend...?
Do we just call upon each other when we feel like or when needed or rather wanted? Like what he says adult relationship?

Indeed, I don't need you to survive. But I really want you...
Do you feel the same about us?
Are you serious?
Are we really in a relationship?

I'm scared to ask.
And maybe it's wise not to ask...

Yes, I am pathetic...

..........SHIT... Betty stop thinking about all these craziness already!!!!!!!!!

......
I'm the hero of the story.
Don't need to be saved.~~~ It's alright.

shattered

My heart shattered, because of you.

You lied. And the truth came to me by itself. I didn't went to search for it. Maybe it wants to tell me something.

I have your picture as my wall paper. And my lil brother saw it when he came to on my computer to execute Warcraft for us to link Dota game. Maybe due to Facebook's friend suggest and crap like that, he saw you, of course you have friends in common, just like me. And he asked me if that is you. I said yes. And my heart shattered into thousands pieces at the same time. Apparently, you had add me and blocked me right after. And you told me that you don't mess with facebook anymore.

It's not a matter whether you use it or not. It's that you block almost every channel of communication between us. INTENTIONALLY! Now if you just block me in your phone too, then I'm totally gone from your life. No one will mention about me. No one around you know my existance. Not even your brother who once see me knows my name. Just evaporated from your world, as if I've never existed. And you can put me behind your mind and move on, move on. How convenient for you. If you just change your mind about me, then I'm conveniently forever gone. How nice...


... PERHAPS YOU JUST DON'T WANT ME IN YOUR WORLD...
at the very beginning.


everything seems like a joke now...
a joke you made, on me.
the only one laughing, is you.


you hurt me... again
I hurt myself... again

Truth always hurt.
If I close my eyes and reject its existance,
will I live happier blindfold?

..........
......


But it doesn't matter.
I'll still be here.
I'll still trust you regardless.
Until the wind of changes, blow the pieces of my shattered heart, away.

I will pretend that I never met you online, but only in person, like regular lovers.
Maybe I will pretend that you don't know how to use internet, so I don't have any ways of contact for you online. Ya, I think this one is better, and I can make a good laugh about it. This IT geek is not on internet~ how funny!!!


Watching Bleach now. Somehow that beginning song kinda comfort me.
Let's hope....
"Someday we will understand each other." any why we do the things we do.

[Love you]

Random

Meeting yesterday from 10-3. Meeting today from 9-3... Gosh! I'm sleepy! Well, partially because of the meetings, but also because of the late sleeping for Bleech anime. It's good (laughter and tears) and I'm now at 19. That means, 19x20 minutes = 380 minutes translate into 6 hours and 20 minutes... Ok, maybe not as much, but within that little free time I left after work, cook, and yada yada, I think I'm going on a ok speed. And you slow poke me? Ay~ I'm sleepy...

Last night, I went with Angie, Angie's brother, Angie's BF's mom and two nieces to Vegeville for dinner. Angie's cousin didn't went because she needed to go to some self defense judo class. Well, that was a lot of food we ordered!!! We had to pack up our left overs. I was so full, that I don't even feel hungry this morning. I think I am a fool, to abuse my stomach like that. But once in a while I think it is ok. Whenever I taste good food, I think of you. I wish you can taste those too. You said you don't like milk. Hum... so I shouldn't take the pudding for you? But it doesn't taste milky; it tastes eggy.~~~ Come on~~~ give it a try!!!

Today you text me, saying.... Friday 13 boo~ ha ha~ you're cute you know. I like your random texting, cuz it means that you thought of me. I feel content when I get your text especially when you don't text a lot. But I still enjoy those days that I kill hundreds of text boundles in a few days, merely texting with you. I still save those texts. Not one of them deleted. Well, except my accidental blank texts, those I delete yes.

I still miss you a lot. When can I see you again? My dear.


Angie said that she saw you these days when she went to Bmp market to sell. That you went to get lunch and go home. And that hope you aint lie to me. Well, I said that yes you said you would work in City this week, but I don't think you lie, you just didn't tell me. Maybe they send you off to City to work in the afternoon, who knows. Anyways, it's your working hour. Wherever you are, you are working. So I am not worry nor concern about anything. Ha~ I think I am getting better at it. To just be cool and trust you. Well, of course Angie is just trying to be on the look for her best bally here~ She doesn't want me to get hurt or anything. Thank you Angie, I appreciate it.

Yes sweety, I trust you... with everything I have. You are my cold but loving darling. I love you.

gifts

Jimmy San is back!!!! and I got my Panasonic RP-HTX7~ I finally have an ear-phone~ I've wanted it for a year or two...? And saw your photo with ear-phone made me want to really get one. So, I got it~ along with 6 chalk holders.... eh? What the chalk holders for @@? Well, a part is for Angie's gift, and I think my brother would need since he is teaching, but he doesn't. Anyways, I need to pay for them. Waiting for Jimmy to give me a price.

Yep, as I said, August 7 is Angie's birthday. I am not good at getting ppl birthday gifts.... So, it's somehow a headache~ I hope to get something that the person need, and it's not always easy. I gave Angie 3 things this year, a tiny hair-clip that she seems interested in, a bottle of Neutrogena lotion that she need cuz her one is done, and calk holders cuz her hands get rough with the constant holding of chalks. Sounds boring, but I know she need then so she wont need to spend her own money to get them.

I don't know what to get for you. Even not for your birthday, but for Christmas. I actually wants to tell you to buy something for yourself on my behalf, and I get something for myself on your behalf. So that we both get what we want exactly. And that we can just go to a movie or something together. In fact, I don't have finance to get a descent gift... Christmas is not big for us, so we've always satisfied with little things, even just a slipper, a towel, a box of chocolate powder or a box of snack... We feel content that way. But I don't know what to get for you... Also, I've asked Jimmy to look for the anime figure for your favorite character, but it's out of stock. Later I saw a picture of your office desk with similar one I wanted to get for you already. Hew, glad he didn't found it... Then I'm thinking maybe like a chain or bracelet... maybe titanium or steel one... maybe those ones for couples.... ... I really don't know...

Baby, what do you want???

1 month

Today marks a completion of 1 month with you. It's a month, and we met 4 times. That is an average of once per week. You are usually very busy at work. And after work, you just want to relax in front of games or TV... Fine with me, and I think I am getting used to that. It actually feels kinda good. That I'm with someone but also have my time and space to do my own stuff.

Nothing happened much lately, since you are on lost. Well, actually you did replied one of my text today. So not totally. Our atmosphere is ease, as if we had met and been with each other for a long long time. I don't know. Feeling relax.

I'm still listing out what I love about you, rather than the reasons, cuz reasons are not really needed. Will post it when I reach 100, I'm almost half way...

I'm planning to make egg pudding for Mickey's birthday. Kinda got tired of cakes. I wander if you are allergic to evaporated milk. If not then I can bring one to you. Just that, when will you have time so that I can go over to deliver that lil pudding for you? I need to sneak it out for you again, like the longan... ha ha!! Why do I need to sneak it out? Because my parents don't know about you yet. When will we let them know? So that they wont got way over surprised or rather astonished if I decided to move in with you one day. When will that day come? I'm waiting patiently.

I wana be with you. I don't think you are the perfect guy for them. But you are the perfect guy for me. And that's all needed for me to keep going and going.


And I think my dear BFF's emotion is calmer and better now... I hope everything will be resolved soon and in a good way. Really not a good adviser on relationship. But again, I guess we advise each other from a third person's perspective. I think that is better than to sink in own thoughts deeper and deeper. You couple please be good, I want to go to UK 2012 with little living expense for my vacation!!! HA~~ Thinking to ask and see if you will be able to go with me. Must be somewhere around July. And maybe we can visit Italy? =D

I miss you~~~ I miss you~~~ *mwah




Angie says that when she sees me in love, she feels young. And I was like, what???? why @@??? She says that I am stubborn with the one I love. Passionate. And that made her remember the earlier time of her relationship. I can't stop smiling, ya, and laughing. Yes I am stubborn. I'm stubborn that when I love you, I want only you. You can be everything to me, and I can live for you. Baby, I'm trying to hold it back so it wont explode on you. But I really really want to be with you. (kiss again)

Believe

Today is a busy day. Doesn't allow much time to miss you, but I still miss you in between. LOL. My leisure.

Got a warm greeting on facebook from one of my good friend that study abroad, with a big hug and called me babe. He always says, love you babe. And we know it's a warm friendly greeting. But it got me thinking. If this is why you keep me away from other things. That you don't want to cause my unnecessary alarm on other things like this, which may cause misinterpretation by someone that doesn't know about your friends or unique style of greeting each others. I don't know. But as I thought, what will you feel when you see that we-know-it's-only-a-warm-friendship-greeting, how would you interpret it? Then I cannot blame you to keep me away from things that... maybe you feel too minor to explain, and I will definitly ask. I think you know I'm sensitive in a way and with this creative head that cause unlimited imagination (am I praising myself? lol), anything can cause 101 questions. Maybe, in the end, it's all for our good. Or maybe not. Maybe I am finding excuses for you, so that I feel good. But I think it's possible. ... and it made myself feel better. So, let it be for now.


I will try not to be too sensitive with you. Cuz if I do, I may eventually drive myself crazy~ lol. You said take it easy, don't worry. I will just do that. I think I'm doing it better. Cuz you got lost anyways. = = Why kill myself to try to locate or find out how you are doing, while we both know that all you do is work, stay in your room and play game or watch TV. And if I have faith in you, that's the only thing I need to do. Believe in you. =) Still miss you.

... and I'm glad that you hadn't find out about this, and I wander if you will... feel kinda embarrased... of my too-much thoughts and talk to you on this journal... ha ha ha~ >///<...

It goes on...

Last night, you told me that I might be able to go. I was excited to hear that. But that samething that bothers me on twitter, I brought it up to you. You said to stop worrying and stop stalking you... Guess I stepped onto another of your bombs.... sigh...




This morning~ woke by your text at 5:50... I think. Getting ready to get out, got a lil speech from mom, Mic took me to the bus station, jump onto the bus...... waited by Letty home, then you picked me up.

We had a lot of fun when watching TV programs. I like how you hug me on the sofa. I gave you the two lucky band I made for you. Well, you seems to like the redo one with Italian flag and blue wording, as blue is the color for your favorite football team. And, as guessed, it's too short...QQ...(QQ=two big eyes with tears falling) You said that you may put it on when you loose your weight, and will use it as bookmark for now. Then you put them into your work bag.^o^ I'm so glad that you like it. Big smile up onto my face. =D We've fun time playing Life 4 Dead on xbox. My first time xbox. I like how you remind me what I should do, cuz I keep on walking into walls and rooms and fell behind by myself, you're patient. Oh ya, it's my very first time on controller!! We had fun watching the beginning of Mr. V... I really hadn't got the movie name you know, but we'll finish it up next time. I really like to be with you, and I love your smell, and your smile. Sweet things that we talked about marriage, kids, moving in together. You asked me when do I want to get married. I don't know. But I want to be with you. So, up to you. Just, I would love my family to give their blessing on this. Cuz I'll only have one marriage in my life. And if you shall be my husband, you'll be my only one husband. So think three times...

Regular bus took me about 1 hour and 30 minutes to get to Belmopan.

And as I open my computer when I reached home, your twitter can only be seen by permitted person. I guess this was changed since last night. Why are you keeping me away from the other parts of your life...? You still don't trust me, right...?

I feel bad. I feel sad. I feel insecure that you block many things from me. Facebook, msn, now twitter, I'm not sure about phone calls. But I tell myself that I should still trust you. Whether or not you may be hiding something that you don't want me to know. And we all have the right to keep our secrets. So I decide to trust you regardless. I should trust you regardless. I think I'm an idiot. I rather be protected by what you want to show me, than the reality that may hurt me. You're the person in my heart. I'm most volunerable to you. But since I decided to be with you, I shd have trust in you. Your way, my way... I've to remember... cuz I love you. And with today's sweet memory. It shall keep me going, for another week or so. Cuz you said that you may get lost again, even longer... Well, at least I'll have enough work and even entertainment from you to keep me occupied. Ya~ a lot of anime. ha ha!!!

Hope to see you soon baby.


Btw, today is my Best Friend's birthday. Gave her a lil something yesterday. And today I'm with you... Angie and her bf seems to be in trouble these days. Hope this sweet couple can pull it through... I really think they should be together. But it's their relationship, so I can only be a trash bin from time to time and hope the best for them. And I have my own to take care of. (crossing fingers)


Do you know, that it feels SO GOOD to have someone to think about before I fell asleep? Rather than fell asleep lonely, knowing that I'm really lonely. I miss you already, please don't get lost for too long. Til next time we shall meet. (seal with a kiss) I MISS YOU. ... and I think, I did say to you today, "I love you."

Exile

Last night, I had a hard night to fall asleep. Kept on thinking about you is not really making me sleepy. However, I did fell asleep. I dreamt that Angie and I are both getting married. So I was like, so busy getting dressed, and then I saw the bridegroom and and I was like, "Who the heck is this!?" Then I woke up from shock. And thought about you. This time I fell asleep.

Since Thursday, I was waiting for your response on whether or not I can go over on Saturday. Til now, not a single word. It makes me feel like I made myself available for nothing. A lil note on whether you'll be home or now will definately help a lot!

Then, as a habit, I check up your blog and twitter. Hoping to see some updates, although not much were there recently. Sigh. I saw something maybe I shouldn't see. Or should see. I really don't know where to put myself. And I can hardly breath. Just by the word itself, you can't blame me that I misinterpret it. Unless you mean otherwise. I really do have a question for you since the beginning. Are you serious about us? Guess I don't need to ask now...

So what's next?

I'll exile myself, into a land without feeling and love. Yea, that sounds proper.

Should I give you a chance to explain yourself?

My Heart - Paramore

Baby, today I have a song for you. It's sang by Paramore.


~~MY HEART~~

I am finding out that maybe I was wrong
That I've fallen down and I can't do this alone

Stay with me, this is what I need, please?

Sing us a song and we'll sing it back to you
We could sing our own but what would it be without you?

I am nothing now and it's been so long
Since I've heard the sound, the sound of my only hope

This time I will be listening.

Sing us a song and we'll sing it back to you
We could sing our own but what would it be without you?

This heart, it beats, beats for only you
This heart, it beats, beats for only you

This heart, it beats, beats for only you
My heart is yours

This heart, it beats, beats for only you
My heart is yours
(My heart, it beats for you)

This heart, it beats, beats for only you (It beats, beats for only you)
My heart is yours (My heart is yours)

This heart, it beats, beats for only you (Please don't go now, please don't fade away)
My heart, my heart is yours (Please don't go now, please don't fade away)

(Please don't go now, please don't fade away) My heart is yours
(Please don't go now, please don't fade away) My heart is yours
(Please don't go, please don't fade away)
(Please don't go now, please don't fade away) My heart is...

Spell

So, I wanted to go over during lunch break today. But you just saw the text around 11 and told me that you are not in the City for these two weeks... too bad... Well, our conversation started ok... and always end up astray from the original topic. ha...

My heart still feel a little lonely. Baby, where is your heart? I miss you. I miss you. I want to be with you. I need you. I want you. I want you to like me. I want you to like me more. I want you to love me. I want you to admit that I'm your girlfriend. I want to hear you say it. I want you to prove it to me and to yourself that we are together. I want to be with you more often. I want to be with you forever. I want to see you by my side when I wake in the morning. I want to be yours. I want you to be mines.

I really hope that I can meet with you on Saturday. I want to take a good good look of you, so that whenever I close my eyes, I can see you clearly.

My way

So you text me, finally. It seems not a big deal to you, anyways. It's good to hear from you, even it's during lunch break. At least you still exist on the world, and decide to text me when you think of me. I know you are always busy. I guess I just hadn't become a part of your life as yet. I'm not included yet. But it feels good to receive text from you. Though I want to hear your voice too... I don't think I'm asking too much, if you really consider me being your girl.


You're so different. Before and after. In regards to the way we interact and the quantity we contact. I don't remember talking to you over the phone since March...


But, I'll go with your way, your time, cuz that's how I love. My way.

So?

So, I have to be strong...

So, shall I pretend careless to you for you to pay more attention to me?
I see the logic, but it feels like nonsense...

So, shall I become as cold as you for you to feel comfortable to be with me?
I see the practicability, but I wander if love can still survive without temperature.

So, do you really take this relationship seriously?
I see the possibility, but it ain't feel like it.

So, do I have to always wait for you to approach me?
I feel less than your dogs at home. At least they can see you and hear you calling their names, almost everyday.

So, is this a long-distance relationship, and you decide the distance between us?


I can be soft and considerate, but I'm not a toy...


The Angelic Betty is exercising her patient.
The Devilish Betty is pissed off...


Maybe you think I'm too easy.
Maybe you think that you can just come and go.
Well, maybe I am.
But if you leave, then you will loose someone that like you so much.
One that chose to believe in you and your words, rather follow the kind advices and reminders from friends.
She will never take chance to trust you regardlessly again.


But as for now, I will put my trust in you regardless, until you prove me wrong.

Nevertheless, I MISS YOU SO BADLY!!!!

...

I dreamt about you Friday night. I don't remember what it was about, another date, I guess. Chatting and hugging... I was happy, as usual when I'm with you.
I hate it when I had to wake up... And I hate it even more, when I couldn't remember it.
I miss you... Hope to see you soon...

I need to remain positive... positive... :)