Today, November 12 is a busy busy day~ Even my boss tells me that I look tired.... and I do~ On my way to SSB with Mickey, I saw you in front of 168 Shop. I can't mistaken. I can't, cuz it's you. Em... you were... smoking~ Well, I saw a white stick on your fingers and you move it towards your mouth... I had mixed emotion.. I was glad to see you, but just that mini second til I see what you were doing. Angie told me before. I believe her. I told myself it aint a big deal that will make me stop loving you the way I do. Just didn't know seeing it myself can feel so different. And yet it's a minor thing... It does... maybe it's just our interpretation of quitting is different. Maybe my quit is quit completely, and yours is quit the addict, but do a little is fine... I think I must be in a bad mood, tired, exhausted, and so on... Thought you will be exhaused as I do but... anyways~ I'm glad that you were enjoying time with your friends. What else can I ask for... You are you... I am I...
I felt depressed, never the less. Despair. I told Angie. I guess she must be in a class or something, cuz the only things she replied was "y?" I told her and fell asleep on my bed. And woke up see no response on my phone. I text again, telling Angie that I must just be very tired. Then I went to pick up the fries I left in my office... waste no food. When I went to bath, cuz we have class tonight so we need to get ready, I went back to my text records and I saw that........ I SEND YOU THE TEXT THAT I MEANT TO SEND TO ANGIE... Stupid me always do silly mistakes....... = =... What else I can do... Send you a sorry and please ignore it text... And in the class I was thinking about this and you instead of listening.. sigh. And I found myself pathetically look into my phone to see if you replied anything.... I laugh at myself... What am I thinking... ha...
They distribute Nao's "Happy Biscuit" cuz she is getting married. Shock! Surprise! So happy for her!!! And I can't help but to wonder, when will it be my turn. Just something last month Alan, who is 3 days younger than I, got engaged. Then Nao, who is 2 years younger than I, is getting married by court at December. I'm also really happy that she seems to have gotten her parents' approval. It wont work so easily for me, with anyone... not only you. I feel happy and lonely at the same time... I miss you and I want to be with you... but... but but but~ ha.... I don't think you feel the same... I wonder if you'll ever feel the same... I feel distance from you... and really lonely... feel complicated... It does not lessen the blessing that I have for Naota, I wish her all the best and in love forever. I just hope, one day it can happen to me... And if not.... ... then let it be... Just let whatever be... At that time, I will have my own little dog instead of you, our kids, our home, Kodiak and Zelda, and all the happiness and sorrow I may have if I were to be with you. I love you... I love you helplessly. Someone tell me what to do... I just want your love...
[Where is your heart?] [Can I have it?]...[How can I have it?]
I'm a heartless human being, cuz you have my heart.
But afterall, what can I do? I can only trust in ourselves. tho I have little prove of your caring about me. And hope for what I wish for one day may come true... I miss you so bad... and with this news as stimulus, I'm getting too emotional... I know I need to calm down... I need to go to bed.... now now now.... but I can't stop my tears from falling down... I want you to love me... LOVE ME...
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