Reflection

Seems that I'm in rollarcoaster mood these days, in your absence.  This always kill countless of my brain cell, when I'm drown in back and forth thoughts.  My uncertainty.  Rather, my insecurity of this uncertain condition.  I hate this.  I don't like the feeling of loneliness.  I don't like the feeling of been forgotten.  I don't like the feeling of been insignificant.  I don't like the feeling of waiting.  I don't like the feeling of not knowing my role.  I don't like the feeling of been abandoned.  I don't like the feeling of holding back my mood and pretend everything is ok... Most of all, I don't like the feeling of you thinking about someone else, when all I think about is you.  You are cruel.  In spite of knowing my need of closeness and want of you, you keep that distance and wall in between us.  You love yourself, you love your space.  Guess that's why I love you.  One must love oneself for others to love one.  Maybe I am cruel, that I should love you the way you want, not the way I want.  I find sorts of reasons and blame it on myself.  My habit of self reflection is not really helping now...  I am pretty lost and helpless.  I don't know what is the right thing to do.  I don't know what you want me to do.  I want you to love me but you don't, worse you hesitate to tell me who I am to you........ I'm tired of my confusing and revolving thoughts.  It's driving me crazy.  I'm driving myself crazy, not you.  You're just helping me to drive myself insane.

I don't like myself like this.
I don't love myself.  No confident.  No whatsoever... I need to change
I need to love myself more than I love you.  But I know it will just be a mask, and I cannot hide it for long.
Cuz deep inside, I know, that I will love you even if I get hurt.

Angie is speechless about me.  She doesn't know what to say.  She know me far too well.  She knows sanity is useless here.  She knows that I'm all over my head.  She can only give advise, but I wont take it.  She can only try to comfort me in my bad mood.  I'm stubborn when I comes to the person I love, she said.  Yes, I won't give up easily.  That's is not so very good maybe...  I can never learn when is the time to let go.  And if I let go, I know we can't be friends.  At least I wont be able, cuz I can't act like there is nothing happened, when I know that we had something special.  I take it too deep inside that is unable to uproot.  Though I can pretend, but not for long, cuz it'll hurt too much.

So, I am helpless.  What can a helpless person do?  I will try to stabilize my mood.  Try not to be so reflective.  Try to be cold, while I so passionately very want you.  I hope I wont end up loosing myself.  After all, my life is about me.  Just that I am greedy and I want to carry ppl along with me in my life.  But anyways...


I WANT YOU TO BE MINE.  THAT IS CERTAIN.