Free

At last
I am free from here...
No more of what I have been through.

I treasure what I have now.

transition

This is a complicated feeling... Yet not quite complicated.

You want me.  I want you.
Our relationship goes our own way.
I wanted more than you can give.
and then... you wanted more than I can give.
There's this mutual attraction.
There's this feeling...
But there's no future.

So... regardless of having such strong addition.
I tell myself that I need to move on.
Regardless that it is still so fxxxing hard to let go.
I still need to...
Why? I asked myself a million and one times.
Yet, there're just some questions which answers are not meant to make known.

This is simply karma.


[I hope this is the last time I'm getting hurt cuz of love.]

4th time...

Guess I really need to learn my lessons...

This time, it didn't last long.  Not long enough to give myself a happy post... But I was happy tho, until now...
It's the 4th time.. and it's the last time.  I don't fancy that my friends will comfort me, cuz I put it onto myself.  They gave me enough advices that I will get hurt again...  But somehow I didn't regret it.  Cuz this time, most of the time I was happy.  I think that's enough.  I thought I can be cool and calm, but I am not that strong.  Had a breakdown last night in the shower, an exhausted one.
Feeling week now... too week to be happy or sad...  This is killing...  I must had melt some days of my life in that breakdown...  Still don't regret it...  funny


My heart is in pieces again, like a puzzle... and I need to put it back... By now I should be an expert in putting my heart together... but somehow it's still hard.  I don't wish to be an expert in this... I wish I never have to go through this...

Friends are working... have little person to talk to... Guess here is my stress reliever...


[I want to fall asleep and never have to wake up.]
[But I wont, cuz I can't... I have find that person, who loves me as who I am and spoil me as how I deserve...]

張惠妹(A-Mei)

原來你什麼都不要 (So you don't want anything)

作詞：鄔裕康
作曲：郭子
編曲：李柏傑

我知道這樣不好　也知道你的愛只能那麼少
(I know this is not good. I also know the love you can give is that little.)
我只有不停的要　要到你想逃
(I can only ask for more, ask until you want to run away.)
淚濕的枕頭曬乾就好　眼淚在你的心裡只是無理取鬧
(The pillow that got wet by my tears can get dried under the sun. In your heart, tears are only vexatious)
以為在你身後　是我一輩子的驕傲　原來你　什麼都不想要
(I thought that stay behind you is the pride of my life. Until I found out, you don't want anything.)

我不要你的呵護　你的玫瑰　只要你好好久久愛我一遍
(I don't need your pampering or your roses.  I just want you to love me good and long for once.)
就算虛榮也好　貪心也好　哪個女人對愛不自私　不奢望
(Maybe it's vanity or perhaps greediness.  Which woman is not selfish or hopeful.)

我不要你的承諾　不要你的永遠　只要你真真切切愛我一遍
(I don't need your promises or your forever.  I just want  you love me truly and sincerely for once.)
就算虛榮也好　貪心也好　最怕你把沈默　當做對我的回答
(Maybe it's vanity or perhaps greediness.  What I most scared of is that you reply me with silence.)

原來你　什麼都不想要
(So... You don't want anything...)

Still hurts

Was watching a series tonight... And there is this sad scene that suppose to touch people's heart and those viewers who are so into the series suppose to cry... I find myself shying my eyes away from the screen... and shed no tear.  Never knew that I am hurt that bad.  Not shedding any tear may signify my feeling of, "I don't believe in fairytale anymore...", "I don't believe in love anymore...", "I don't believe that I will every find my Mr. Right...", "I don't want to love again..." and so on...

Gosh... I am so brutally hurt... my heart must be so bruised up... and with a little touch, it will hurt so much.

Yet my shying away from the screen tells me that I still have feeling.  I want to avoid anything that reminds me anything about love...

[Why does love, such a wonderful feeling, have to be so hurtful...?]

I don't wish to be strong, I don't wish to learn the need of protecting myself, I don't wish to see the reality of the world, I don't wish to know the negative emotions...  I want to be forever naive and happy... but I know I can't... and that is sad... because I am living... I'm alive on this world.

Self Meditating...

om..... (Should I light an incense?)

It's okay... It's okay...
I will hold no grudge against anyone...
No one worth my anger...

I'm fine... I'm fine...
It will not influence me anymore...
Just let things pass and I know...

When I let go, let go...
It shall not get hurt again...
Cuz I learned my lesson, and I move on...

It's okay... It's okay...
No one worth my anger...
No one worth allowed the privilege to influence my inner peace...
No one worth it... not to mention those that had hurt me...


[We're not even friends.]

Today... I found my courage to draw a full stop...  I don't know if it meant much for the others, but it meant a lot to me... It's hard, so very hard to let go someone once loved so much.  They say time can cure all, and I've been through that, so I know this heart breaking feeling will go away one day... and I look forward for the day that it never return again... maybe after I died?

But it's good to find courage...  Like I finally achieve something...  Tho I'm never a strong person, and I hate been hurt... but it's good to know that I am growing...

Yet

Life always have a way to slap your face a time or two... or three.  I thought we will never meet.  After all, we've never accidentally meet each other while we were together... never know this will happen right after I draw my full stop.


I was firstly surprise to see you...  I don't know what to react and my mind went blank...  Guess it was a bit awkward.  Yet awkward is sometimes normal, after what had went through.

At least you are alive, and looking fine as usual, I thought... and then I can't stop my tears from falling through the cracks of my heart into the eyes that I've cried over you earlier...  I thought I am stronger.  I thought I am fine too.  I thought I will never see you again.  It caught me at sudden...  And it just smashed on something that had just shattered, now into dust.  This is so cruel...

It's therapeutic to write... yet my head hurts so much that it feels like bursting...

I've cried this hard for you for so many times, guess it's enough.  If I owed you a liter of tears, I guess I've paid my debt with interest.  And I am tired of crying for you...  I will stop soon.  And I hope that I don't need to cry over someone else...


I gotta be strong... tho I never want to have to...

I will find my someone someday... and even if not, it's better than stay with the wrong one...  Yes, you happen to prove yourself the wrong one...


Babe... I loved you so much...  but now I can only smile to you like a stranger...  or else my tears will fall again.  Maybe I'm a coward or maybe I just don't want to get hurt over something that had been done.  I don't even want to hear a reason, if there is any, because knowing that won't change the result.  And you seems not to bother about it... I guess that's it...

I loved you.  But I know, you've never loved me, so... you had to go...

I love myself... and I know, you don't love me, so... I am moving on...

It's easier said than done...  maybe that's why my I feel so hurt now...
But I know one day, I will share happier moments with someone else... and my feeling for you will be hidden so deeply, that I wont even remember to feel it...  By then, I forget about you...
or... I'll enjoy my single life as never before.


Until then, maybe I can put up a real smile when we meet again...  or maybe it's better if we don't ever meet again...



[Can I cut out my senses and never wake up?]



........... Geez... My eyes are so going to swell up tomorrow... and I am going to City to get a pair of new eyeglass...  I hope this wont influence my prescription of my lens... Stupid love.

Letting Go...

LETTING GO 
蔡健雅 (Tanya)

作詞：蔡健雅 (Lyric by: Tanya)
作曲：蔡健雅 (Music by: Tanya)


這是一封離別信 (This is a farewell letter)
寫下我該離開的原因 (Writing down the reasons that I should leave)
我在你生命中扮演的角色 (The role I play in your life)
太模糊了 (is too blur)
你對我常忽冷忽熱 (You put me in constant hot and cold)
我到底是情人還是朋友 (Should I be lover or friend)
愛你是否不該太認真 (Should I not love you too serious)
That's why

I'm letting go
我終於捨得為你放開手 (Finally, I am willing to let go my hand for you)
因為愛你愛到我心痛 (Because loving you makes me hurt)
但你卻不懂 (But you don't understand)
I'm letting go
你對一切都軟弱與怠惰 (You've been weak and lazy in everything)
讓人懷疑你是否愛過我 (Letting people doubt if you really loved me)
真的愛過我 (really loved me)
為你再也找不到藉口 (Cannot find excuses for you anymore)
That's when we should let it go

你是呼吸的空氣 (You are the air in each breathe)
脫離不了的地心引力 (The gravity that I can't escape)
你在我生命中曾經是我 存在的原因 (In my life, you were the reason that I exist)
或許就像他們說 (Maybe just like what they said)
愛情只會讓人變愚蠢 (Love will only make one a fool)
自作多情愛的太天真 (unrequited naively in love)
that's why

I'm letting go我終於捨得為你放開手 (Finally, I am willing to let go my hand for you)
因為愛你愛到我心痛 (Because loving you makes me hurt)
但你卻不懂 (But you don't understand)
I'm letting go
你對一切都軟弱與怠惰 (You've been weak and lazy in everything)
讓人懷疑你是否愛過我 (Letting people doubt if you really loved me)
真的愛過我 (really loved me)
為你再也找不到藉口 (Cannot find excuses for you anymore)
That's when we should let it go

在夜深人靜裡想著 (Pondering in deep silent night)
心不安卻越沸騰 (unease heart boiling)
我無助　好想哭 (I'm helpless, and so want to cry)
我找不到退路 (I cannot find a way to retrieve)
在夜深人靜裡寫著 (Writing in deep silent night)
心慢慢就熱變冷 (My gradually heart turns cold from hot)
我不恨　也不哭 (I don't hate, and don't cry)
我的眼淚早已哭乾了 (I've already weeped my tears dry)

Coz I'm letting go我終於捨得為你放開手 (Finally, I am willing to let go my hand for you)
因為愛你愛到我心痛 (Because loving you makes me hurt)
但你卻不懂 (But you don't understand)
I'm letting go
你對一切都軟弱與怠惰 (You've been weak and lazy in everything)
讓人懷疑你是否愛過我 (Letting people doubt if you really loved me)
真的愛過我 (really loved me)
為你再也找不到藉口 (Cannot find excuses for you anymore)
That's when we should let it go
We should let it go
We should let it go

[I need just a little more courage...]