Unexpected Farewell

Grandpa passed away on Monday October 3^rd, 2011.  It was a shock and is still unbelievable to me.  Everything happened within 1 day… 1 single day~ to me…  I’m still putting puzzles together, although it’s painful to recall, but I believe this is well deserved for me to write about it.

Monday morning, a regular day.  Got a call around 9 or 9:30am from mom.  She said she was called while on her way to work, to go straight to Mr. Lai’s place for a special worship for grandpa.  And we’re told to do one in the evening and another one in the late night.  Grandpa was in Canada, and that morning he woke up feeling really bad, and almost fell down when he wanted to stand up from the bed.  He struggled himself to get help from Mr. Hung, his good friend whom he is staying with while in Canada.  They got someone to massage him and when my mom called around 11am Belize time, he was already feeling better.  She got to talk to him.  Who knew that was the last time he got to talk with his family here in Belize.  I don’t really know how everything happened, I’m merely putting things I gathered here.  They took him into the hospital and then found out that he has water in the lung.  Though the treatment must be indeed painful, he was relieved knowing it’s in the lung and not outside.  Condition got stabled.  In the evening, we went for the special worship.  I still manage to go to the Self-Defense Class, for the last time.  I was quite late, so I didn’t even really participated in the class, I just watched.  Not soon after I get home and ate, we got another call from my aunt in Taiwan.  She rushed us to do the last special worship, and 2 rounds as well, because grandpa was in critical condition, there’re more water in the lung, later I heard outside as well, and his heart beats was between 50 and 70.  We hurriedly change our clothing and head towards Brian’s home for the worship.  Before we left, Mickey lit a handful of incents by the altar at home, praying that everything will be just fine.  On the way, my mom called our friends in 25 miles to ask them to do the worship together.  The gentlemen started first.  Right after they finished the first round, Mickey got a call.  He gave my mom the phone and went back for the second round.  I stood inside, twisting my fingers, praying in my mind that no kind of my negative thought is to become true.  I told myself, whatever I imaging ahead of time, always doesn’t happened as how I imaging, so will this one.  Apparently, it is still outside of my imagination as it comes in such a rush, even now I still cannot take it as real.  That was the bad news call right there.  I waited inside for 10 seconds, I guess.  It felt like 5 minutes had already passed, and my mom is still outside talking.  So I went out, only to see mom bawling in tears, having a break down while still on the phone.  I knew what had happened… Brian’s mom came out, and of course, she got the news too.  We all got in our tears.  Mrs. Lin was the one that went in and announce the news to the gentlemen who were still worshipping.  It was really tough to take, and could never able to bear.  Everyone was crying and bawling.  My mom was still able to call in too much tears to grandpa’s near friend in 25 miles to tell him of the news, and asked him what to do next, because we were all shocked and lost.  They said they will gather other friends to come and set the altar in my home for the next day, as our tradition requires.  We got home, in silent tears.  And break down home, one by one.  Mickey the worst.  I’ve never saw him like that.  Dad too.  And I break down while in shower.  We started to clean the home a bit and try to put together things that we’ll need for tomorrow.  We’re all very tired, sad, yet so sad that we don’t feel like resting even in the exhaustion.  It wasn’t hard to fall asleep though, just had to manage to get myself into the bed.  I went to bed around 3 in the morning.

The next day, they came, all in sorrow.  We set up the altar in our living room, and started to offer fruit, tea and food for the deceased.  The moment we saw the altar completed, tears caught up with us again.  Mickey and my parents wanted to go from that same day, but was not able to get a seat until the next day, Wednesday.  My aunt who was in Taiwan, who usually accompany grandpa on his travel, except this same one, got onto a plane on the same night, which was Tuesday morning for us, to go to Canada.  She told my granny that grandpa was not feeling well, so she had to go.  So she send granny to stay with another aunt.  Granny later told Mickey that she knew by the expression from my aunt of what happened, but she just didn’t say it.  Mickey and my parents caught the Wednesday’s flight to go to Seattle through Houston, so that my dad can try to get visa on arrival, since his Taiwanese passport is very much expired.  Two other friend went to get them by the airport, took them to hotel and overnight at Seattle, and go to the boarder for visa.  Everything was done smoothly.  All my aunts, except one who cannot leave US, arrive that same night with my granny, accompanied by Phoebe, my cousin.  Friday evening, the funeral home receive my grandpa’s body from the hospital.  My family then can go and see his body at the funeral home.  They’re usually close on Saturday, but the funeral home worker was kind enough for them to go and see him on Saturday.  All the while, I was home with Jason.  Jason still goes to school, but I had applied for compassionate leave.  Friends come to help and accompany us day and night, by turn.  And all came and help in great deal on the 1^st seventh day.  So do they come on the 2^nd, the 3^rd, and the 4^th.  It’s Saturday today, and by tomorrow it’ll be the 5^th seventh day.  They will go too, since we’re not home.  They indeed helped a lot.  Friends in need are friends indeed…

Even after all these, I still cannot accept the fact that my grandpa had passed away.  He is like a superman, and a hero.  Superman doesn’t die.  Hero shouldn’t die…  I’ve never thought that death will take him away.  I’ve never thought that it is so soon.  Grandpa was a senior member in our belief system.  Since I started to remember things happened around us, he is usually out.  In fact, he doesn’t live with us, he lived in the holy house he established in another city in Taiwan.  We didn’t really mind, because he was so strict.  We respected him a lot, or were even timid, when he is around.  He had contributed almost his entire life toward the truth, even until his last breathe.  To me, personally, he is well respected.  And I feel ashamed of myself on the bad deeds I did, when I see him, even when he doesn’t know what I did.  Grandpa travels a lot for the works that he had committed himself to.  He travel through countries such as Taiwan, Japan, Malaysia, Canada, USA, Belize, El Salvador, and much more.  He’d never complained through hot and cold, and the difference of time zone.  He is like a superman in this sense.  Like almost a saint in my mind.  Although I know one day everyone will die, and it may looks as if it takes me forever long to have my mind registering the fact, which I still hadn’t, but it just really feel unreal.  Maybe I had made him a superman in my mind, and neglecting the fact that he is still a human being.

I still cry a lot, especially when…

I talk to him, realizing that that will be the only way of communication.  No more hearing his voice and see him in person.  I come to the thought that I had never and will never EVER have a Lunar New Year Eve dinner with him.  I remember that he had always thought of us.  Always tries to be funny at dinner table, making jokes to try to get close to us.  Bringing stuffs for us.  Wanting to talk to us.  Giving us lectures to try to make us a better being.  Proudly show us his iPod that he just got for his birthday, this same last time he came.

Yet… I’m still sinning…  And more than many times I feel that I don’t fit the title of being his grand-daughter.  I had let him down.  And I continued to let him down.  I ask myself if I have a heart, and if yes, I question if it’s black.  If I can forget what had happened so fast. 

I’m still very much in sorrow, and still cannot pull my senses together to accept what had happened.  I guess I just need my eyes to prove it to myself.  Like now, I’m on my flight to Vancouver, and somewhere inside me still feel lost and wandering what am I doing on a airplane.  I know what had happened.  I just CANNOT UNDERSTAND it…  I feel it in my emotion, but I still can’t sense it in my logic.  Maybe that’s why I could sometimes feel as if nothing had happened, because it doesn’t feel real to me, at all.

[This is more than just a nightmare, and it’s even a long one…]

So...

So... what now....? I don't know...
Will see how far I can get to, how strong the bond can be...
Will see...

I thought

I thought that I'm fine, but I'm not.

I thought that I'm strong, but I ain't.

I thought that I'll get over it soon enought, but I didn't.

I thought that I've run out of tears, but I haven't.

I thought that this sorrow and bitter feeling will go away soon, but it didn't.

I thought that I picked back up my smiles already, but I hadn't totally.

I thought those memories had been well hidden, but they aren't.

I thought that I could forget, but I couldn't.

I thought that I had move on, but I hadn't.


And yet I still tell myself that... I am... even more, when I realize that I'm not.
Because I want to be... I have to be...
These are not lies, they are wishes I made to myself... and one day they'll come true.

[Not every wishes that come true will make you happy, some take a part of your heart away...]

Thunder Storm - Blessing in Disguise

It's time... to draw my full stop, at least the literally part. ( . <-- full stop right here)

I thought I'll have a lot of explanations, sorrow, cries, anger, and all sort of emotional expressions in this blog entry.  Maybe I would if I did it last week... or few days ago...  But hate is never on the list of my emotions.  I can't hate the one I once loved.  Nor can I simply be friends with them.  Guess I'm really bad at relationship status transition.  I just don't know how to act or talk knowing we shared special moments, which is now only the memories once have.  Think I need to go through more years before I can learn and do it without that sad feeling inside.  Every time when this happen to me, it's like a hell.  (so how many times had I been in hell??)

Friday, August 26, 2011 is a day with good weather, big bright sun and my boss and I was on a campus visit to Central Farm.  After the campus tour, started the meeting, and I am suppose to record decisions made in the meeting.  Suddenly, my sky started to rain cats and dogs with thunder storm.  So much for that decision recording... I had to hide in the bathroom several times before I pick back up myself.  My world is never the same. (In fact, my world is always changing, but anyways...)  Yes, I had to bottle up everything, tho some still leaked out... I waited until I reached home after work, until I locked myself in my own room, to let out the water generated by that thunder storm.  Yet I still made to a class that night with my iced swollen eyes.  Bravo for me.  I must looked really tired from "work".

A lot of thoughts passed by my mind throughout this entire time, and I know more will come.  It'd be easier for me to just clear them out as I write them down.  But how if I don't want to recall them... (stupid! just delete them! yea maybe I might do that...)  After all, nothing will change what happened, and it wont influence much on what is going to happen.  This relationship failed, not solely because of me, but because of us and how we interacted.  Somehow I feel relieved but a bit sadden when I realize that.  We just didn't interact in the best way...

I know all of these feeling will pass one day.  Bad flu will get cured.  Bad wound will get healed.  So I look forward for that life has for me, good or bad.  This is a blessing in disguise.  I just have to remain positive as I try to heal my wound while I move on.  I hope for bright future, I know I deserve it, and I have to work towards it.

As for the one I once loved.  I pray that he'll find the perfect woman for him, one that can makes him truly happy, treats him well, loves him dearly, and share many more feelings together.  And also good fortune in life.  There is no sarcasm in this part, which most people may feel impossible.  But I just wish him well, and better and better.


Good-bye... my once love.  I know I can do better in life, even without you.  I'll be stronger.


[People come and go in life.  I can't hold someone who wishes to leave.  I can't stop someone who wishes to come.  But I can decide how I want to deal with everything around me.]

It's time for another revoluation of me

Got scold yesterday... Morning by Angie via phone, afternoon by my love via msn... but I actually feel relieved and relax afterward... like... renewed.... how odd...

They see through me clearly.  That I'm still obsessive as if love is the only thing in my life.  As if I have no better things to do, and I know that is not true.  I was (don't know if I'm still am) so caught up in the thought of loosing my love, and made myself timid, insecure, scared, mistrustful, confused... on and on.  Certainly not healthy as my love said. I know Betty is more than that, I should be free-spirited.  Don't know since when did I start to behave like this, but I know it must be like this from years ago...  I believe that I had got over with my ex, whom participated about 10 years in my life through goods and bads.  He is nothing but a stranger whom I still concern about.  I hope the best for him in his life, but I wont get involve anymore.   I wander if all the while I scare myself on those terrible heart-broken scenes.  I told myself to be bold while I'm so scared to get hurt again.  Not realizing that my love is different.  I am different.  So it should be a new start, while I dwell in shadow from the past.  And if I go on like this, it will pull me down into the drain.  I can't run away from it...

I'm lucky that I'm with a man that is wiling to work through this with me.  Thank you, Babe.  Babe, you are good at be frank... I knew that I was still obsessive, but I don't know which part of me needed changes... until you point them out to me.  I'm not dumb, I guess I involved myself too much in my emotion and cannot see it from a objective perspective.  So I thought I changed while I did not.  I thought I am been considerate while I just hide my emotions.  I thought I trusted you until I realize that my trust was so week that it can be overthrown by misunderstanding and lack of communication.  I thought I love you so much, while I love you the way I want to love you, but not the way you want me to love you.  I guess I just couldn't believe that you're with me, and so afraid that you'll walk away anytime.  So I try to hide this things you don't like...  until I found out that you knew it all the while, yet you still like me and willing to give me a chance to change it... I feel relieved... like... I don't need to keep my 'bad' me like a secret from you anymore. 

I don't like to get involve in anger or conflict, but I guess be true to my feelings and express them is not bad sometimes.  Better than if I kill myself in my sea of emotion.  Well... maybe straight forward but not in a too harsh way...

But I will still think of you everyday tho... Cuz I know when good things come across my way, I would wish to share them with you.  When bad things come across my way, you will be a part of my strength.


[Live for yourself, Betty... no on can do that for you...]

... [so... am I an emo girl afterward???@@?  maybe I am...]

dream... food

I dreamt of you last night... In my dream, I changed my job... I work in the same office with you... my table is right beside yours... you let the people in the office know that we're together not through words, but through close interaction.  You were nice to me.  Lunch time came, you took me to lunch.  You helped me order my food at this new place.  But then you don't sit with me.  You sit with another girl, I think she is one of your good friend, and eat.  Leave me there along with random guests beside me.  I looked at you.  You looked at me and smile... and then back to your conversation with your friend.  I don't really feel jealous, but I wish at least we can sit together...  in my dream.

Overall, it's a good dream, cuz you were good to me.  But maybe our little discussion over food had build something up in my heart, that I don't like the idea of eating separately.  To tell the truth, deep down I'm afraid that you may find another girl who can enjoy eating with you...  It's sad to eat alone... It's sad no to be able to share the joy when you eat something you like... same to me, same to you.  I'm a vegetarian, to death.  It goes as far as, if I can save my life with just one bit of meat/fish/other not-permitted food, I will not.  I don't think I have the right to take away life, just to sustain my life...  So, I feel that you're stubborn, that you put a never on my food.  But who am I to say, when my own diet is more strict and even more stubborn...  I wish you could see why and join me.  But it's your right to choose your food... (although the animals don't have a so-called right to choose whether they want to be murdered or not...) anyways... still a nice conversation back then...

I'm going to Melchor today.  Wish that stupid BTL problem could get fixed soon... it's getting on my nerves...  Cuz I could have go to you... just seca that stupid BTL problem.... damn...

I love you, babe.  You hadn't say so recently, but I take it that you love me the same and more in your heart.  Hope to meet you soon.  If I have more "ok" photos, I will send to you, so you can feel me around.  :)

Adventure... 3rd? ...3rd yes

This Monday, April 11, 2011 - We're back again.. My third adventure with you.  Should be the last one of this type...

You texted me, asking me how am I doing, and acting a bit like a jerk when asking why am I not feeling well...
Don't you know there's something called heart-broken?  And that suppose to feel terrible?
Anyways... we kinda talk out our problem, and we're back together...
I can tell that you are not good at it~ A few times I wanted to just don't text back, but I did.  I don't want to leave any regrets, and I had not let go yet.  Almost tho... That same day, I was telling myself, I'm going to put you in my memory and move one...

You came to my office.  I got caught surprise... and asked, What are you doing here?
You hold my hand and say, fresh start.
I hugged you... I can't hold back my tears... I haven't see you for more than 2 months, it feels complicated and I'm right in your arm...
You mentioned that the biggest change we need is that we two should move in together.  ... you know what, babe?  I think so too... but I can't.
We shared a lot of hugs and kisses.  I didn't want to let you go but I had to...
I want to just spend time by your side....  my heart is so attracted to you...

This is the end

This morning, I finally got things cleared up.  So as for the day we finished our last, should I count it for this Saturday, April 2 or last Saturday, March 26?  It's almost 9 months... Guess we just can't pull it though.  Anyways... I hate March. So much...

I didn't have the luxury to cry much.  I don't want to explain my pain.  I don't want to face it.  Don't even want my brain to register it.  I took off my wish bracelet.  My wish will never come true, so it makes no sense to have it on.  I changed my cellphone wallpaper to myself.  I put all our messages into folders separate from inbox.  What else?  How can I have so little connections with you...

Although I said that I wasn't devastating... I feel hollow.  Something got taken away from me.  I lost you.  I may know the reason why, but it's so stupid to accept.


It's til now... that I'm alone at home... that I'm doing this entry... that I got to face my sorrow.

I remember your bads... I remember your goods... your smiles...  Why does love have to hurt so much for me?  I'm lost.  That feeling is back... that my happiness is just my imagination... that life itself is filled with pain and sorrow...  And I'm not feeling "holy" in any way... I just feel depressed... and want to disappear from this world... I'm lost... Why am I crying?  Why am I still alive... with all these pain?



......................... A quote come true to me....................

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.” - Neil Gaiman

I really hate March

... A year ago, we cut off the contact... on a Wednesday... March 3, 2010...

This year, March is still not a good month.
You hurt me several times... I've been keeping them in my heart... but I feel like if I don't release it somehow or another, I will explode... my emotion will explode.

You return to the country... rather... you contacted me Feb 27~ saying that you're back.

Thursday, March 3rd... this day being so sensitive to me... nothing happened, not a text from you... it's good that there's nothing bad happening... it's bad that I've contacting you but no answer back from you.

Saturday, March 5th... Early morning, you asked me to go over and if I can spend a night.  I said I can go over but not spending the night.  Followed by a series of words that seems playful from you but carves into my heart like a knife, and strikes my mind like a hammer.  Now thinking about it I can still feel the deep deep pain... It is easy to picture myself in cold cold blood at that time.  Even now... as if my internal organs had been crushed... just that deep pain that cause you goose bump to just think about it.  You then told me that it's just a test of my love, and whether go visit or not determine if I love you...  I was in tears, and confusing of emotion.  I feel my heart at my throat.  My emotion was really not stable.  But I went, and you're on an emergency call at work.  So I waited until I stepped on 3:45pm bus, I still didn't got to see you.  But I prove my feeling to you,  you said yes... ... But how about your feeling to me?  I know, you don't love me... I hesitated but I took out that 'yet' that I would put behind the me... cuz now, I don't even see/feel its happening in the near future.
Got a big big scold from mom after I reach home, cuz I didn't told her before I was going out.  It may sounds silly to you, but that is my family.  We tell them where we are going, and about what time we will return, so they don't need to worry about us...  Mom said... if I have you in my life, then I will meet you even if I don't want to.  If I don't have you in my life, regardless of how much effort I tried, I will miss you.  She is even wandering if you are trust-worthy, cuz she never see you, and you seems to have a lot of reasons.  So many coincidences hint something.
... I've been thinking... [Why do we love the one that hurts us, and hurt the ones that love us?]

Monday, March 7, Baron Bliss Day... It's a holiday, and Mickey, mom and I head to Melchor to see if we can get anything for the garden.  I texted you, you said you was going to ask me if I want you over and spend the day together.  I want to... Initially I thought you wanted to come to my home for a visit, but then no... You avoid coming to my home.  I can feel that.  I'm glad to hear that you said you would come, but it was around 9:30 that time... if you wanted to come... you would have told me before that already...

Nothing from you for the week again.

Friday, March 11, I'm in Belize City.  You said you want me, but I was in Belize City and you're in Belmopan, so there is no way that we can meet.  You suggested me to stay.  I wanted to, I planned to... I told a lot of lies... but I still can't... I can't feel at ease when I hear my mom worry about me.  I feel torn.  I decide to stay til 7 to meet you, and then go home.  You said if I'm not staying, then I better just go... I don't get to see you... I left on 6:00pm bus.  You were still asking me to stay, until you got my text that I left Belize City already, then you vanish again... no text, no picking up of calls... none after that.
In the night, I texted you to let you know that only me and my bro will be at home on Saturday, and see if you want to come over and spend some time.  No answer...

Saturday, March 12... still hear nothing from you.

Sunday, March 13... My period is here... I send you a text suggesting sometime to meet this week. On Wednesday or Friday+Saturday.  No answer.

Monday, March 14

Today, Tuesday, March 15... Was setting up printer in the conference room.  Mr. Rabbani told me that you still have one puppy for sale...  I feel betrayed.  Maybe that's too much a reaction, but build on the tension that I have in my heart since the beginning of the month, it's like that last straw that kills the camel.  Aint a big lie, but why?  Perhaps I shouldn't trace back to a lie you told me like half month ago.  But why lie to me!!?
Since when... it gets hard for me to trust you... Your words and your actions don't go together.  You don't contact me unless you want me to go over or do something.  You've been changing your mind, got caught in your own lies... I don't know what to believe and what not to.  It aint the first time I caught you bluffing.  Ya... maybe it's just bluffing, and has nothing to do with your feeling for me.  Lie to get the easy way around, after all, you know I believe in you.  And because of that, you took the advantage of it.


It certainly feel much better to dump all these things here, so that I don't feel like carrying the sole weight...  Do I keep on telling myself that you're just having your space? That you mean no harm on me and my feeling? That you are not intentionally ignoring my text?

It's unbelievable, isn't it? How a small incident can cause so much emotion.  It's a build up.  It's not like this all the time.  And perhaps to you I appear to feel nothing or not noticing... but I do have feelings, and I'm sensitive.  When will you see this part of me.  Rather... I prefer not to let you see this part of me.  It's complicated.  I want you to understand me, but I don't want to scare you.  I want you to be happy.  I want my family to be happy.  And these ends up making me not so very happy... Does it worth it...

My heart is still against my throat.  When will I find that man?  That we belong to each other?  Can I find him in you?  or if you don't plan to be...  Do I stop wasting your time? my time?


 ==================

I'm feeling much better now... Me being needy? Yes I am... Then maybe I should go the other way... I don't need you.  I think you will love that~ (grin)

All bad boys used to be good boys.
All bad girls used to be good girls... being bad doesn't means to go with whatever you want even it may hurt the feeling of my family if they find out, it means... being bad girl~~ to you. AHA!