Hide...

I lied to myself...
I tell myself, everything will be ok... when I feel shaken...
I comfort myself...
Making all sorts of reason to try to make me feel better.... When I'm depressed
I don't know what to do... confused
My feeling hits me faster than I can run away from it...
And I'm afraid...
If I admit my feeling of insecurity and in need of even just a little attention,
That you will leave... again
So they crash together, suffocate in my own confusion.
I'm trying hard... not to feel used and forgotten...
It's hurting me, as you ignore...


Hiding myself away in the comic world...
If I live in theirs...
then maybe I will miss you less and feel less pain in mine...




(4:40pm)

I break my limit again... and again... 3rd (Tuesday) 4th(Thursday), 5th and 6th (today) unreplied text... I'm sorry....
Safe trip... At least I know I keep you in mind...
Well... after this text... no more... just had to wish you safe trip... and nothing else I can do.

hanging there

I feel forgotten. :(



(2 hours later)



Na.... You won't forget me.
Don't you dare to...
Am still waiting... ="=



(1 hour later)



sigh.... I miss you...♥
It seems that I just can't get angry with you...
Replaying our little moments in my mind, over and over... keep me going... keep on hanging here...


(few more hours later)


still waiting for you.... energy level: low...
I miss you. Do you miss me too?
Well, it's late... so... til tomorrow then, maybe...

Lucky bands

So I made this lucky band for me. It has your initials and my initials. It says that I'm yours. Well, I wander if I am just wanting to hear that more often, so I'm reminding myself that you once said it. I miss you dearly. And I waited patiently for your txt today, but nothing. I guess it's another busy day. It's okay, I don't think it will take much longer for you to remember to give me a what's up.

I made one for you too. Well, two actually. But Angie said the first one look like rasta color, so I made another one. And this one I ran out of thread... darn!!! I guess it can only be good as a book mark... Wonder when will I see you to give it to you. And I wander if you would like it or think it's so childish and hate it... Hope it's not something that will make you feel unpleasant...

I've spend hours making these three bands, sleep late and doing it in between games. (When I'm waiting to be re-spawned in Warcraft dota while I played with my two game-head brothers.) So maybe today I can sleep earlier. Hope I can see you soon.

Sweet Afternoon

So you came to my work yesterday afternoon and we had a great time. Ha~ I don't know what to say, but I'm happy. Funny that I got speechless when I'm happy. I enjoyed our time together, heard that you miss me too, saw your newly cut hair, your laughter, your smiles, your kisses, your regular hugs and those ones that actually cracked my bones and lifted me off from the ground, your smell, your temperature, you looking into my eyes, and many needless to say details. Gosh! Every time we meet you just got me sinking deeper, falling faster and harder for you. I'm happy that you seems happy. I'm happy that I'm with you. I think I love you.

If you can see how much I'm smiling by just thinking of you, you'll know how much joy you bring to me. *mwah!

Matters

Maybe it's that you are feeling better from the cough.
Maybe it's that I had catch up with some sleep.
Today's text chat went on fine. We both seems to be in better mood.

I feel content.
Feel happy to be with you, even when you're not around.
Feel happy to just think and daydream about you. Oh I laugh on myself. ha~
Thank you for your sorries, they mean that you do care, one way or the other. Something glad to know. And my personality wont change a bit, just the way I interact with you need some adjustment. You can be you, and I will be me. Great news huh. I'm glad that you do tell me about your thoughts, communication works better than I do my crazy wild guessing that bothers myself.

I believe that's what all matters in regard of my feeling. That I'm happy. Hopefully, I can let you feel happy and content to be with me. I want you to be happy. I like to see you smile. Do you know that when you smile, I can't help it but to smile along?

Baby, I miss you. =) And I still want to be with you. Night night~

Conclusion

After a week of battling with myself... I hereby draw a conclusion....
I think too much.

Way too much.
And I'm glad that I express it just by writing (typing), or talk to a friend. So that you didn't have to know what's going on in my mind, all the while. It will drive you crazy and get you so annoyed, I believe. Glad that I hold back the texting, cuz you don't need to know...

A friend said, "He's just not that into you."
Well, I told myself, "We've just started. Of course you are not that into you. You don't know me that well well, neither do I." So, I shall revisit this question in the future, if we survive til the future comes...

A friend said, "You have a weird relationship."
Well, I think I will comfort myself that it is just a "unique" one. The way we interact is strange indeed. New couples are usually passionate about their relationship, so on and so forth, and that made our one seems too calm... But calm is good, and I wander if we are really "new" or...@@? I don't know. Anyways, we started in a not so common way, so I guess I shouldn't be surprised if we interact in a not so common way? Anyways, that's how you wanted, maybe? So, that's how it will be done... your way, how you like it.

I wander if you are testing me. Testing my patient, my characteristic, see if I'd get angry with you, see if I'd smother you again, and so on. Or just see if I can handle the normal you, the real you. I feel that I'm going through the filter you set. I really hope that I can pass it. I'm not known for my patient and persistence, but maybe my stipudity (some ppl say naive) in love can help me. If it is a challenge. Bring it on. (Just don't over do it, ok?)

Afterall, we are unique individuals. We born alone, we die alone. I cannot share you pain, and you cannot share mine. We can only work together, to make it bearable, or hopefully to make life happier. Thus, I should get back to my normal routine, as if you had never return. Make each other the topping of the cake. So we don't give each other pressure, and enjoy our time together. Although, I would live for you, you can be the sun and I can be the sun flower, but I guess you don't want me to. However, I don't want my "coperation" makes you feel that I'm cheap, or easy. I'm just working on my part, to fit your way. I have feelings, and I'm sensitive. And since this is a "love" relationship, I would expect see some love from time to time tho.... Even when you're busy, a morning or night text will made my day. I don't ask much... really... (I think)

I'm giving myself reasons to believe in you, to trust you, and that you really take us seriously. I hope tha I am not making a fool of myself. But you know what, I don't mind. Cuz there is nothing else I can do, when I feel so much about you. I keep myself content by replaying those little moments that touch my heart. Just wish you can help me out a little. Meet me more ofthen. So that I can have sufficient memories to be optimistic and content with our relationship, when you get too busy and we can't meet. Btw, you don't like FB, cuz ppl interferring, I understand... But I think you misunderstood when I said that I can give you my account... which means, I don't mind you using my account if you want to see what I have up there.

Since you don't like to take picture, when I get a chance to, I will look at you closely and carefully, hope that your features will get embedded clearly in my mind.

And even the me writing this post here is thinking too much. Talk too much, gial~ Go do your work!!

Betty, chill... He ain't gonna see this... Talk to yourself is enough, don't get too crazy, alright!?

Naive

So a friend said that I'm naive.......
I sure do.
I hadn't explore the world enough. And also because.....

I don't want to grow up.
I've seen many, maybe not much, of the adult world...
the back-stabbing
the gossips
the double-faced
the sword within that fake smile
the tricks to get things
the flattering for reasons
the power game
the.... many if not all, the bullshit

I don't want to be like them...
I know I'm naive, and I'd get hurt easily.
so... what....

another scar wont be very outstanding on my heart...

Game

This is not a game for me. period
I hate love game. period
I hate when I need to be careful not to spill my feeling. period
I hate psychological tricks in love games. period

If this is just a game for you,
please tell me and leave me alone....
I don't play love games.
I'm not good at tricks.

I would like love to be just love.
As simple as that.

either 1 or nothing.
No one wants to be hurt... so am I...


I'm scared, but I'm trying to be brave.

too good to be true...

When things that seems too good to be true happened, I always wandered if it is reality of that I'm just dreaming. It feels good and that just kept me wander... did it really happened? Sad that how good things in life made me feel unreal... I must had live a miserable one then...????

I miss you, whether you're busy in your own world or right beside me. We hadn't met much, but you gave me the chemistry. Hope that you feel the same, or even just a little, from me.

If this is just a dream, please don't ever wake me up, because...
to be with you, is too good to be true.
yet, please let my dream come true...

...... but still....
I've live in the reality without you. And I can survive...
Only return to where I started, I've been there a couple of time.
So if you want to leave my life, don't worry about me... I'll be good, when time pass by...
Cuz I don't need you to survive. I'm good on my own.
Only that your existence in my life makes it much better...
much much better...

Afterall...
Too good to be true usually equals... dream...
So, where should I stand?

Maybe I should have my water ready to pour me out from this dream...
Need to go watch a movie or something...
http://www.holliesquotes.com/lovemisc/notintoyou.htm

....... gosh~ why am I so scared! and care so much..... urgh!

Reasons?

I don't need a reason to like you. It's a feeling...

Me: I like you.
You: I wander why...
Me: I wander why too...

I'm afraid to write down what I like about you.
I'm afraid that if I let myself know clearly why do I like you, then I cannot let go of you easily, if you were to leave.
So, I'll let it remains blurry, at least for right now.
(unless you demand... or I decided to push myself so I fall quicker.

But I think I'll secretly list what I like of you... Maybe I'll post it when it reaches 100... LOL

And I wont stop at 100. No restraint. Cuz I may like you more and more each day.

Digest feelings

Chatting with cousin about things that bothers my mind, you. I brief him a little on my situation these days, that I seems to bother you too much. He pointed out a good point that I've never thought about before. Thanks cousin, nice talking to you.

Cousin: "You are not afraid, doesn't mean that he is not."
Me: "??"
Cousin: "That a girl suddenly approach so close like that..."
Me: "HA HA HA HA HA" (In fact, I'm speechless. Like a thunder strike onto my head, just that my hair didn't stand up like in the movies.)

Do I get too close, too fast? Is that why you look like... you're backing off a lil? So... I should just wait until you get ready, right...?

Ya... He is right.
I fell too quick, and perhaps too passionate on anything that relate to you, somehow. I'm really over my head... And something came to my mind... Wont that make people wander what do I have in my mind, be too nice and so on? As if I'm going after something, have some other intentions and so on.... I've never thought about that aspect. Hum... It does make people wander, doesn't it... Is that what you're feeling? That I like you because of something else but you?

I guess I'm just trying to be brave and find my trust in people, and the feeling that I can love and give in all without worries. Like how I used to love... don't need to think about complicated matters... so on and so forth.... But I guess that I'm not a child anymore. I'm an adult... (who says that adult cannot love like a child or act like one?) But I guess... trust gets harder and harder as we grow up, cuz we've seen and experienced, and knew that future is not always what we've planned. So as I become one, I loose that luxury of trust without fear. Will I find it back?? I'm afraid, and scared too...(So cousin, you are wrong in this!) that my heart may be torn again... but I'm taking my chances. I'm taking my risks. Willingly. Ready to get hurt anytime... "Better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all." -St. Augustine. So I'm grateful for whatever damage made to my poor little soul, which made the me today. (Ok.. I'm still trying to persuade myself...to be brave...)

Ok... maybe I did frighten you a bit (again... not again~ >< Stupid Betty). I guess you need time to digest whatever, and I need time to cool down and take it easy (again...). And perhaps it's good that we face it now, before we go any further, or you go any further.

You said that you want a partner, not a student. Someone that you don't need to explain things all the time. So... I'm trying to figure it out myself. Cuz I'm not the perfect girl you're looking for, but I'll try for you... Cuz you are my not-so-perfect perfect boy.

I wander where this relationship will take us. I want to enjoy the ride, and hope it leads to a good destination. But I'm kinda lost here, already.

And pardon me. I think better and talk myself out when I write out loud... just the way I am. I have too much thoughts, and the above wont even cover 1/4 of it... but I guess I will just leave it for later to add on...

By the way..... don't you think that we are facing the same problem again? I guess it's good that we get to face it one time~~ We must learn our lessons, and move on from where we left off. Kambade!

Smothering...

Since I met you at the beginning of the year....
and what we had been through when you tried to push me away...
I got to dislike two new words: stalk and smother..... how innocent they are...

I know you were finding excuses to push me away, but it does reflects on your real thinking.... right?
So..... I need to find a way to be with you~ and won't make you unhappy... let me see...

Guidelines to be with you...
1. You love your privacy and you act low~ so no telling ppl about us unless you approve it (well except the fact that I had already told Angie and Mickey and that you cannot do anything about it...) But I don't think they will be talking about it much.... And I changed my status on Facebook.... like it or not (I think you like it) I'm in a relationship, just that my guy here don't want any public awareness....

And I get you... so that we don't need to face the pressures and concerns... after all, this relationship is relatively new, right... how if we broke up, so you said..... I just hope that we won't reach there.... and I also don't hope that we'll need to be a secret forever...

2. Text message without reply, max 2. After the second one.... STOP SENDING!!!! I need to remember that.... I need to keep my cool (although I am just a passionate person, in a way) I need to hold it back, take it easy (as you said) so that I wont be smothering you in any level.... (but damn... I was just worried!!! ok... I accept that txt makes me feel better.... not necessary makes you feel better... alight.... I'm sorry...)

3. No birthday attention, period. So you said, I get it! ok ok~~~ I ll just make any other day special then~ Birthday is just another day of the year.... k

4. Respect you and be loyal. We've both been hurt before. We've learn not to trust anyone fast (except that I seems not to learn the lesson quite well) Anyways..... I'll love as I can, and don't bother as much as I can.... You love and act differently from me. We are different. I respect that~ and I like that~ And I want you to be happy. so.... I will adjust myself, hoping that you will like me more...... Tho I hope you'll like me the way I am.... I don't know... what can I do?? or just do nothing?... I just hope that I wont loose myself... (but I don't even know myself... so there is nothing to loose at the first place~~~ ha..... sigh) Anyways, my point is... as long as we are together, you'll be the only one in my heart.


This is an adventure. And I'm figuring out survival tips whenever possible. Survival of the fittest.... I hope I can survive and be the one.... How challenging. I like it. And I love you, I don't know how nor why. (Maybe I'll write one about it later...) I just wont tell you.... unless you are sure... that you want to be with me....... til then, I'll just say that I like you very very very much....

Dengue

My poor sweety have dengue.... and is coughing a lot... since Wednesday :(
So, I finally got to go to your work during lunch time. Luckily I got a ride as if it was planned ahead of time.
Just so want to see you, and check on how you are doing. You look sick (of course) I can see that dengue is giving you a hard time. And you still have to come to work and not resting at home... Why in the heaven!!! Anyways, we kissed regardless, cuz dengue is not contagious... Don't try to scare me off, it doesn't work. And as I told you, if I can share what you have to make it less for you, by all mean I will do it... but in fact, I don't think that is possible... or maybe we should give it a try??
We stayed by the stairs since the office's AC is too strong and you had to run out from time to time because of the coughing... so out here is better~ You feel more comfortable, less ppl and I totally don't mind.
It's my second meeting with you. Just miss you a lot. I cannot take my eyes away from you. And I miss your hugs and your kisses. 30 minutes seems short with you.

This Friday is wonderful, if only you are feeling ok. Boss shall return to office Monday, if not by Tuesday, better get to my work...

Adventure... 2nd Phase

Let's start this blogging with some good news, shall we?



After months.... I only thought of you sometimes.... not all the time... but whenever wherever... you just appear in my mind like that~
I was still trying to distract myself from you, you know....
So Monday you contacted me again. I was like..... SURPRISED!!!!!!
After exchanging of some text messages.... I cud feel my head... hot hot hot as if all my blood just rush up and my heart beats fast.....
So, you still do have influence on me.... And then I just cannot stop thinking about you after that. Months of effort in vain, I know.
I told myself... don't over do it this time... just keep my distance... just be friend... don't do the same mistake again... I don't want to frighten you again... no no no, Betty don't.... it's better than strangers.
Well, this effort went all in vain when you said you were trying to push me away because of some reasons.... ......
Ppl wud say that's an excuse... but I understand where you're coming from, and I accept it, I guess that's all that matters, right.

So we decided to meet today....... gosh! I'M SO DAMN NERVOUS!
I lost my appetite seca that.... just nervous!!!
And then I got trap by the tragic accident... I waited patiently, but bored...
after 2 hours, we finally got through~ and reached City around 11am... hum... (8am express)
While I was waiting, the buses just come one after the other.... amazing.... LOL
but I was wandering... hey you really gonna appear??? I guess nervousness just make waiting time seems longer. And I did mistook a lady driving for you... well it was like... funny!!!! LOL~
So there you come, and the "date" (shd I say?) starts from there I guess....
I was still nervous tho.... >___< First time... First time.... hanging out with a friend meet online... madas!!! I call it an adventure...
I got to see your dogs~ they're beautiful~ I was amazed that they don't even bark at me... dogs in my home bark like crazy when they see strangers.....
Aight, I'll omit the remaining of the hours... which of course includes xbox (I need to learn that thing!), my External HD that went to sleep and refuse to wake up when it sees the 48GB of Bleach anime, and the bloody beginning of Ninja Assasin (not for kids...).
Overall, what shd I say, I enjoy the time being with you.... even when you tried to listen to my External HD and I was like.....@@?? ok.... I'm not a computer person... you know what you are doing~
And I love to see your smile, how the corner of your lips curve up. I'm happy that I made you smile. (If it was me... either I'm cute or stupid~ lol)
So I fell much faster than I pick back myself...
An adventure huh~ hope there is a good ending to it.... but even if I got hurt in the end, I asked for it. No regrets....
So, for now I'll just trust the feeling I have.... and I like you... shd I put, I feel strongly not even I know how...
And from now on, I shall call you my boyfriend, until something so strong that do us part.
I miss you now.... thanks for coming back....