Adventure... 3rd? ...3rd yes

This Monday, April 11, 2011 - We're back again.. My third adventure with you.  Should be the last one of this type...

You texted me, asking me how am I doing, and acting a bit like a jerk when asking why am I not feeling well...
Don't you know there's something called heart-broken?  And that suppose to feel terrible?
Anyways... we kinda talk out our problem, and we're back together...
I can tell that you are not good at it~ A few times I wanted to just don't text back, but I did.  I don't want to leave any regrets, and I had not let go yet.  Almost tho... That same day, I was telling myself, I'm going to put you in my memory and move one...

You came to my office.  I got caught surprise... and asked, What are you doing here?
You hold my hand and say, fresh start.
I hugged you... I can't hold back my tears... I haven't see you for more than 2 months, it feels complicated and I'm right in your arm...
You mentioned that the biggest change we need is that we two should move in together.  ... you know what, babe?  I think so too... but I can't.
We shared a lot of hugs and kisses.  I didn't want to let you go but I had to...
I want to just spend time by your side....  my heart is so attracted to you...

This is the end

This morning, I finally got things cleared up.  So as for the day we finished our last, should I count it for this Saturday, April 2 or last Saturday, March 26?  It's almost 9 months... Guess we just can't pull it though.  Anyways... I hate March. So much...

I didn't have the luxury to cry much.  I don't want to explain my pain.  I don't want to face it.  Don't even want my brain to register it.  I took off my wish bracelet.  My wish will never come true, so it makes no sense to have it on.  I changed my cellphone wallpaper to myself.  I put all our messages into folders separate from inbox.  What else?  How can I have so little connections with you...

Although I said that I wasn't devastating... I feel hollow.  Something got taken away from me.  I lost you.  I may know the reason why, but it's so stupid to accept.


It's til now... that I'm alone at home... that I'm doing this entry... that I got to face my sorrow.

I remember your bads... I remember your goods... your smiles...  Why does love have to hurt so much for me?  I'm lost.  That feeling is back... that my happiness is just my imagination... that life itself is filled with pain and sorrow...  And I'm not feeling "holy" in any way... I just feel depressed... and want to disappear from this world... I'm lost... Why am I crying?  Why am I still alive... with all these pain?



......................... A quote come true to me....................

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.” - Neil Gaiman