Friday, after 5, you asked if I can go over. Sadly I can't. I am in Belize City. Even if I were in Belmopan, I can't, cuz I have a class to go to in the evening. I asked if Saturday will be a better day, you said that you might not be home.
Saturday morning about 6 so~ you texted if I can go. Of course I want to go. So I went to ask mom. She was upset. Well... just imagine that usually someone have to wake me up, more than once, and Saturday morning I am awoke before anyone else just because I want to go to City... for animation? She said that Mic can just download it for me and so on... Mom knows me well. That once I set my mind to do something, I'm almost deadly stubborn that I want to do it. Wonder where does that come from in my genes.... Then she said something like, if you are going to date then just tell me. I was speechless. And she thinks that she got it right. I told her that it is not totally. It's this person I like, but we are not really that kind of relationship. In a tiny sense that is correct tho... just interpretation may be different. I like you. I am almost sure that I love you. But you may not feel the same. And in my age, talking about relationship will be like... heading-to-married kind of serious relationship, which is what I would want. But since future is uncertain, and you are not totally into it yet, I guess it's better just stay as what I said. I like you but we are not really in that kind of relationship, yet. Then she asked a series of questions like, how do I know you... I said I know you since you were study in UB not so well, but then we reconnect afterward. Which in fact is true... I believe I saw you on campus. She asked if it's through internet again. Ay... internet is a place where you can meet "dragons and lions" (which means dangerous ppl) and she said that I just can't learn the lesson... I agreed that I am too bold... but I just cannot say it, cuz somehow I feel that through internet I get to know a person's inner side before I put judgment based on their appearance. Maybe it's another brain wash by my ex-net affair, which my mom totally worries and disapprove of, which I also understand... I seems not to be a good child huh... Then she asked about your job, and if you are a Taiwanese or local, and what else I don't remember. She didn't ask about your family tho, nor age, nor appearance, and other stuffs. I guess I kinda pull it through by telling her that I'm not the only one that knows you in real life. I mention Jackie, Abil and Vic/Rex. And just a brief description of how you know them. And that I checked with Jackie and she said that you are a good person to be friend with, which is true, I did checked with her since like February. I guess, based on the good status of Jackie and Abil in my mom's eyes, she temporarily conclude that you wont be bad. And then I promise to help with lunch... and other stuff... So, she let me off the hook... em... not very willingly. Oh by the way, since they were still in bed, my dad was there too.
As I return to my room to update you, and I heard them talking softly in their room. Next thing I notice, my dad went to wash rice to get cook by rice cooker as I head towards the kitchen. I told him sorry... I just feel sorry... He gave me a pat on the shoulder. Then mom join the kitchen. I told her sorry, and I cried... She got suspicious on why will I say sorry, cuz she knows more inside story on my past relationship. I said I was just sorry about the whole thing and I were not doing what I suppose to do, in this case it means like... tasks she asked me to do... She said about relationship, there is nothing that she can say, but yes I should complete the tasks she assigned me... Somehow I feel that they give in, at least for right now since I said that we are not in a relationship yet, since I'm more or less... um... the age to make my own family... So it's totally normal if I want to go date or something. Secretly, I feel sorry that I fell too fast and too deep, you know what I'm saying... I may end up hurting myself, and they don't want that. I am being crazy about you... bold, adventurous, taking risk... not something I normally will do, but fantasize doing... maybe I am not crazy, I just finally willing to take my risk to pursue something that may seems to be unrealistic and dreamy...
Anyways, when I am almost ready, you said something came up and I end up did not went. But somehow I think it's still worth it cuz I let my parents aware of your existence, and since we are just "friend" for right now, I guess no pressure on you. And I didn't let them know that you are the same one that breaks my heart on March... It will cause a bad impression and I don't want that...
I miss you.... And I really wish that I could go.
[I don't know why I feel for you, but I just do.]
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Monday, November 15, 2010
Exploration to a new phase of relationship
I've been reading.
I've been browsing a lot on internet on articles related to "obsessive" "clingy" "needy" etc. I figured, if it's a matter I need to face, it will be better if I will face it with some knowledge and with guides. I have to slap myself awake from my fantasy, and thinking that love can solve all problems in a relationship. I've find some very helpful tips, reasonable and seems to be useful. I now realize that I was being too naive about being in a relationship. Love alone does not solve the problems, does not solve my problems. You are still around, well you hadn't left yet. But, whether or not you're there when I become the woman I wish to become, I remain thankful. That you are in my life, to point out this problem to me, something that my past boyfriends do not. I am thankful for this. And that you hadn't left yet. Please... I need time to adjust myself... to become a new me. Please be there to see me evolve.
Yes, I am afraid to loose you. Very afraid. Cuz you are different. And I love you. And I crave for your love. But this itself should not let me return back to that girl I used to be. Though I miss those days that we can just love with our hearts and does not care what the world becomes, but time is different. I have to grow up. I have to grow out of it. Sadly but truely... Being naive in relationship will not lead me anywhere near happiness. It will just ruin it, as I cannot handle it properly, as I cannot understand you, worse about able to make your life a better one. You don't deserve this, neither do I. You deserve a better woman, and I deserve to become a better woman.
I will grow, as I have always grow, in good or bad. I will grow into an individual that I will feel prouder and prouder about. I hope I can become someone you will find more interest in, someone you will want to spend time with, someone that will make your life better. Maybe it seems that I still revolve around you. Well, my intention is to become a better self, in a relationship. You are just the motivation, a strong one. It will benefit, if not us, me in the long run. I'm glad that I am given this chance to see a deeper level in a relationship, thanks all to you. Thanks for being truthful and gave me a wake up call.
[I love you.][I do.]
=======================================
Um... let me list out things I can do for myself...
Finish the speech.. = =
Finish the animation
Finish Twilight Saga
Study Spanish
Study English vocabulary from a dictionary
Generate idea to promote home business
Work hard at work........ harder
Take care of myself
Iron clothes?
Watch series
Clean my room....... ha ha ha
Take class next semester
SLEEP
ok... I think that will be enough for now. Kambade, Betty! This time shouldn't only be talking!!! You have to change yourself!!! You have to become better!! Better!!! Or else, you do not deserve a man like him! HEAR!
I've been browsing a lot on internet on articles related to "obsessive" "clingy" "needy" etc. I figured, if it's a matter I need to face, it will be better if I will face it with some knowledge and with guides. I have to slap myself awake from my fantasy, and thinking that love can solve all problems in a relationship. I've find some very helpful tips, reasonable and seems to be useful. I now realize that I was being too naive about being in a relationship. Love alone does not solve the problems, does not solve my problems. You are still around, well you hadn't left yet. But, whether or not you're there when I become the woman I wish to become, I remain thankful. That you are in my life, to point out this problem to me, something that my past boyfriends do not. I am thankful for this. And that you hadn't left yet. Please... I need time to adjust myself... to become a new me. Please be there to see me evolve.
Yes, I am afraid to loose you. Very afraid. Cuz you are different. And I love you. And I crave for your love. But this itself should not let me return back to that girl I used to be. Though I miss those days that we can just love with our hearts and does not care what the world becomes, but time is different. I have to grow up. I have to grow out of it. Sadly but truely... Being naive in relationship will not lead me anywhere near happiness. It will just ruin it, as I cannot handle it properly, as I cannot understand you, worse about able to make your life a better one. You don't deserve this, neither do I. You deserve a better woman, and I deserve to become a better woman.
I will grow, as I have always grow, in good or bad. I will grow into an individual that I will feel prouder and prouder about. I hope I can become someone you will find more interest in, someone you will want to spend time with, someone that will make your life better. Maybe it seems that I still revolve around you. Well, my intention is to become a better self, in a relationship. You are just the motivation, a strong one. It will benefit, if not us, me in the long run. I'm glad that I am given this chance to see a deeper level in a relationship, thanks all to you. Thanks for being truthful and gave me a wake up call.
[I love you.][I do.]
=======================================
Um... let me list out things I can do for myself...
Finish the speech.. = =
Finish the animation
Finish Twilight Saga
Study Spanish
Study English vocabulary from a dictionary
Generate idea to promote home business
Work hard at work........ harder
Take care of myself
Iron clothes?
Watch series
Clean my room....... ha ha ha
Take class next semester
SLEEP
ok... I think that will be enough for now. Kambade, Betty! This time shouldn't only be talking!!! You have to change yourself!!! You have to become better!! Better!!! Or else, you do not deserve a man like him! HEAR!
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Obsessiveness
So yes, I am obsessive... unhealthily... maybe I have Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder? = = maybe I do have...
When I'm calmed down, I got to digest what you meant and see your point, I feel bad. Why do this little incident cause me to react so big? Is it merely because that I was tired? or does it means that I have so much inside of me that was pressed and exploded at the same time. Even now, I can still feel it. Then it bring back my conversation with dad last night. Can you make me happy? You seems to be carefree about life. You do what you want, as you said. I don't see why not. But, do you care about me enough to make me happy or want to make me happy? I don't know, not yet.
Well... think of the bright side, at least we communicated, although you kinda end it with a shout... Just like my brother... usually ends argument with a shout... sigh... At least you told me what you didn't like, so that I can improve... What can I improve about my obsessiveness? I can feel Muramasa's obsession to Kouga, unhealthy one but to be honest, facinating to me. Ppl will say he is crazy and I know cuz I am crazy too... Cuz to Muramasa, Kouga is everything, and to me, you are almost everything. That is when I am focusing my mind at you, I dig a hole bigger than I can climb out, then I jumped in. Totally not healthy. And SCARY, CREEPY, TERRIBLE. I don't want to be like that... I want to love you, I want you to like what I do for you, I don't want you to feel that about me. Is this another obsession?
What can I do... Someone tell me... I don't want to press it, cuz it aint helping. Maybe I should just love you less, as if I can. I should live back my normal life... then maybe you'll like me more when I pay less attention on you. Cuz you can't handle it, and I can't handle it. The obsession I have... I have to let it go and get myself cure.
I desire you, to a very great extend... But pressuring my desire for you doesn't help. I can hold it for a week, a month, but I cannot hold it forever as it will only built up too much for me. Babe... I have to mentally let you go... let go my desire for you... let go my desire of desiring your present... let go my desire of wanting to be with you so much... I have to let go my stubborn thoughts.... I think God send you to me, for me to face this problem in me. I have to be thankful... and realize the me right now cannot offer you the happiness I wish you to have... I have to get better... get better at letting go. Not the feeling for you, but the way I love you... and the intensity of desiring you. I am not Muramasa. You are not Kouga. We have our separate life... My life does not depend on you... I have to wake up... and do what I need to do... I can do it... I can do it... my "self-diagonized" OCD is a minor one... although it influences me greatly, I can overcome it...
[Betty, go with the flow.][Remember... You are you. I am me.]
I will start to care less, until it becomes natural to me... perhaps by then I wont be that obsessive...
When I'm calmed down, I got to digest what you meant and see your point, I feel bad. Why do this little incident cause me to react so big? Is it merely because that I was tired? or does it means that I have so much inside of me that was pressed and exploded at the same time. Even now, I can still feel it. Then it bring back my conversation with dad last night. Can you make me happy? You seems to be carefree about life. You do what you want, as you said. I don't see why not. But, do you care about me enough to make me happy or want to make me happy? I don't know, not yet.
Well... think of the bright side, at least we communicated, although you kinda end it with a shout... Just like my brother... usually ends argument with a shout... sigh... At least you told me what you didn't like, so that I can improve... What can I improve about my obsessiveness? I can feel Muramasa's obsession to Kouga, unhealthy one but to be honest, facinating to me. Ppl will say he is crazy and I know cuz I am crazy too... Cuz to Muramasa, Kouga is everything, and to me, you are almost everything. That is when I am focusing my mind at you, I dig a hole bigger than I can climb out, then I jumped in. Totally not healthy. And SCARY, CREEPY, TERRIBLE. I don't want to be like that... I want to love you, I want you to like what I do for you, I don't want you to feel that about me. Is this another obsession?
What can I do... Someone tell me... I don't want to press it, cuz it aint helping. Maybe I should just love you less, as if I can. I should live back my normal life... then maybe you'll like me more when I pay less attention on you. Cuz you can't handle it, and I can't handle it. The obsession I have... I have to let it go and get myself cure.
I desire you, to a very great extend... But pressuring my desire for you doesn't help. I can hold it for a week, a month, but I cannot hold it forever as it will only built up too much for me. Babe... I have to mentally let you go... let go my desire for you... let go my desire of desiring your present... let go my desire of wanting to be with you so much... I have to let go my stubborn thoughts.... I think God send you to me, for me to face this problem in me. I have to be thankful... and realize the me right now cannot offer you the happiness I wish you to have... I have to get better... get better at letting go. Not the feeling for you, but the way I love you... and the intensity of desiring you. I am not Muramasa. You are not Kouga. We have our separate life... My life does not depend on you... I have to wake up... and do what I need to do... I can do it... I can do it... my "self-diagonized" OCD is a minor one... although it influences me greatly, I can overcome it...
[Betty, go with the flow.][Remember... You are you. I am me.]
I will start to care less, until it becomes natural to me... perhaps by then I wont be that obsessive...
Friday, November 12, 2010
Nao is getting married... feeling complicated
Today, November 12 is a busy busy day~ Even my boss tells me that I look tired.... and I do~ On my way to SSB with Mickey, I saw you in front of 168 Shop. I can't mistaken. I can't, cuz it's you. Em... you were... smoking~ Well, I saw a white stick on your fingers and you move it towards your mouth... I had mixed emotion.. I was glad to see you, but just that mini second til I see what you were doing. Angie told me before. I believe her. I told myself it aint a big deal that will make me stop loving you the way I do. Just didn't know seeing it myself can feel so different. And yet it's a minor thing... It does... maybe it's just our interpretation of quitting is different. Maybe my quit is quit completely, and yours is quit the addict, but do a little is fine... I think I must be in a bad mood, tired, exhausted, and so on... Thought you will be exhaused as I do but... anyways~ I'm glad that you were enjoying time with your friends. What else can I ask for... You are you... I am I...
I felt depressed, never the less. Despair. I told Angie. I guess she must be in a class or something, cuz the only things she replied was "y?" I told her and fell asleep on my bed. And woke up see no response on my phone. I text again, telling Angie that I must just be very tired. Then I went to pick up the fries I left in my office... waste no food. When I went to bath, cuz we have class tonight so we need to get ready, I went back to my text records and I saw that........ I SEND YOU THE TEXT THAT I MEANT TO SEND TO ANGIE... Stupid me always do silly mistakes....... = =... What else I can do... Send you a sorry and please ignore it text... And in the class I was thinking about this and you instead of listening.. sigh. And I found myself pathetically look into my phone to see if you replied anything.... I laugh at myself... What am I thinking... ha...
They distribute Nao's "Happy Biscuit" cuz she is getting married. Shock! Surprise! So happy for her!!! And I can't help but to wonder, when will it be my turn. Just something last month Alan, who is 3 days younger than I, got engaged. Then Nao, who is 2 years younger than I, is getting married by court at December. I'm also really happy that she seems to have gotten her parents' approval. It wont work so easily for me, with anyone... not only you. I feel happy and lonely at the same time... I miss you and I want to be with you... but... but but but~ ha.... I don't think you feel the same... I wonder if you'll ever feel the same... I feel distance from you... and really lonely... feel complicated... It does not lessen the blessing that I have for Naota, I wish her all the best and in love forever. I just hope, one day it can happen to me... And if not.... ... then let it be... Just let whatever be... At that time, I will have my own little dog instead of you, our kids, our home, Kodiak and Zelda, and all the happiness and sorrow I may have if I were to be with you. I love you... I love you helplessly. Someone tell me what to do... I just want your love...
[Where is your heart?] [Can I have it?]...[How can I have it?]
I'm a heartless human being, cuz you have my heart.
But afterall, what can I do? I can only trust in ourselves. tho I have little prove of your caring about me. And hope for what I wish for one day may come true... I miss you so bad... and with this news as stimulus, I'm getting too emotional... I know I need to calm down... I need to go to bed.... now now now.... but I can't stop my tears from falling down... I want you to love me... LOVE ME...
I felt depressed, never the less. Despair. I told Angie. I guess she must be in a class or something, cuz the only things she replied was "y?" I told her and fell asleep on my bed. And woke up see no response on my phone. I text again, telling Angie that I must just be very tired. Then I went to pick up the fries I left in my office... waste no food. When I went to bath, cuz we have class tonight so we need to get ready, I went back to my text records and I saw that........ I SEND YOU THE TEXT THAT I MEANT TO SEND TO ANGIE... Stupid me always do silly mistakes....... = =... What else I can do... Send you a sorry and please ignore it text... And in the class I was thinking about this and you instead of listening.. sigh. And I found myself pathetically look into my phone to see if you replied anything.... I laugh at myself... What am I thinking... ha...
They distribute Nao's "Happy Biscuit" cuz she is getting married. Shock! Surprise! So happy for her!!! And I can't help but to wonder, when will it be my turn. Just something last month Alan, who is 3 days younger than I, got engaged. Then Nao, who is 2 years younger than I, is getting married by court at December. I'm also really happy that she seems to have gotten her parents' approval. It wont work so easily for me, with anyone... not only you. I feel happy and lonely at the same time... I miss you and I want to be with you... but... but but but~ ha.... I don't think you feel the same... I wonder if you'll ever feel the same... I feel distance from you... and really lonely... feel complicated... It does not lessen the blessing that I have for Naota, I wish her all the best and in love forever. I just hope, one day it can happen to me... And if not.... ... then let it be... Just let whatever be... At that time, I will have my own little dog instead of you, our kids, our home, Kodiak and Zelda, and all the happiness and sorrow I may have if I were to be with you. I love you... I love you helplessly. Someone tell me what to do... I just want your love...
[Where is your heart?] [Can I have it?]...[How can I have it?]
I'm a heartless human being, cuz you have my heart.
But afterall, what can I do? I can only trust in ourselves. tho I have little prove of your caring about me. And hope for what I wish for one day may come true... I miss you so bad... and with this news as stimulus, I'm getting too emotional... I know I need to calm down... I need to go to bed.... now now now.... but I can't stop my tears from falling down... I want you to love me... LOVE ME...
Thursday, November 4, 2010
I want to hold you
November had started a while back... and I realize that I had not write much for October. Wonder how much entries will I make during November.
It's been about 10 days fter Hurricane Richard, the garden is now still on its way to recovery. Just the money part need to be worried about... as usual... About you... hum... I don't know what to say. I have that "just go with the flow" mindset... afterall, the reason that you keep me is quite clear... what else should I be expecting. I'm being a little pessmistic here. More than likely, I will get a "sorry, I don't think you are what I'm looking for" or "sorry, I tried but I just can't"... or something like that. Than a... "... .."... just found out that I cannot even put in the words, cuz I've prevented myself to think about it. Though I should have faith... but in what? That you'll end up loving me and keep me with you or that you'll leave? I feel confused... I don't know if I should hope and expect for the best so to have my faith in you? Or should I expect the worst so it causes least damage on me? One thing I'm sure tho... that you don't love me. Just like me, not love... You don't even have to remind me... Anyways... this is not the first time I think about it... so...... let's quit talking all these bullshit of mines.
However, I found myself less nervous to be with you. I can almost be myself. I like this feeling of casualty. I hope it's a good sign. Just hope that we can have more time spend together, as I hope usually.
Yesterday evening, I went to your work again. It's our #8 meet. It was a big rain, so I have to go by taxi, but I only have like... 7 or 8 dollars? You paid for my way back. You took me to that server room... Jeee..... IT'S FREEZING IN THERE!!! I feel like if I spend any much longer in there with my half wet clothings, I gonna get sick... On out way leaving, we walk together to the bus terminal. Is it that we walk fast or that happy time always runs fast? We hold hand, not all the time, on our way. Although I was the one holding yours.... hum... hope soon you'll want to hold my hand without me making the move. We chit chat a little. And you kissed me good bye. Does it appear in my eyes that I want a kiss good bye? Or did you wanted to kiss me? Was a light one tho. But all I can see around is you you you. As if the entire world is only you and me, and I don't care who may see us, but I just want to do the things that lovers would do with you. I caught my taxi and left. You never turn back after you walk away.
Babe babe... I love you... I know you don't cuz you still wont say. Should I stop saying it... cuz I think it kinda made you feel discomfort... knowing that I want to hear the same from you but you cannot tell me what I hope to hear. Maybe I should stop saying it...
I love being with you... How long can this dream goes... Do I have the privilege to fall deeper for you? Am I still in a position to keep dreaming further?... I want you, and it had not changed.
[If casualty is real life, then all I want for us is casualty with you.] Perhaps with some romance.
It's been about 10 days fter Hurricane Richard, the garden is now still on its way to recovery. Just the money part need to be worried about... as usual... About you... hum... I don't know what to say. I have that "just go with the flow" mindset... afterall, the reason that you keep me is quite clear... what else should I be expecting. I'm being a little pessmistic here. More than likely, I will get a "sorry, I don't think you are what I'm looking for" or "sorry, I tried but I just can't"... or something like that. Than a... "... .."... just found out that I cannot even put in the words, cuz I've prevented myself to think about it. Though I should have faith... but in what? That you'll end up loving me and keep me with you or that you'll leave? I feel confused... I don't know if I should hope and expect for the best so to have my faith in you? Or should I expect the worst so it causes least damage on me? One thing I'm sure tho... that you don't love me. Just like me, not love... You don't even have to remind me... Anyways... this is not the first time I think about it... so...... let's quit talking all these bullshit of mines.
However, I found myself less nervous to be with you. I can almost be myself. I like this feeling of casualty. I hope it's a good sign. Just hope that we can have more time spend together, as I hope usually.
Yesterday evening, I went to your work again. It's our #8 meet. It was a big rain, so I have to go by taxi, but I only have like... 7 or 8 dollars? You paid for my way back. You took me to that server room... Jeee..... IT'S FREEZING IN THERE!!! I feel like if I spend any much longer in there with my half wet clothings, I gonna get sick... On out way leaving, we walk together to the bus terminal. Is it that we walk fast or that happy time always runs fast? We hold hand, not all the time, on our way. Although I was the one holding yours.... hum... hope soon you'll want to hold my hand without me making the move. We chit chat a little. And you kissed me good bye. Does it appear in my eyes that I want a kiss good bye? Or did you wanted to kiss me? Was a light one tho. But all I can see around is you you you. As if the entire world is only you and me, and I don't care who may see us, but I just want to do the things that lovers would do with you. I caught my taxi and left. You never turn back after you walk away.
Babe babe... I love you... I know you don't cuz you still wont say. Should I stop saying it... cuz I think it kinda made you feel discomfort... knowing that I want to hear the same from you but you cannot tell me what I hope to hear. Maybe I should stop saying it...
I love being with you... How long can this dream goes... Do I have the privilege to fall deeper for you? Am I still in a position to keep dreaming further?... I want you, and it had not changed.
[If casualty is real life, then all I want for us is casualty with you.] Perhaps with some romance.
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