World is not helping me to miss you less

This morning~ I went to City for Angie's class...  It seems that the day was to remind me about you, despite the fact that I'm trying to hold it back.  Try not to miss you too much... I used to love to miss you a lot, cuz it bring back the sweet memories.  But  now I found out that it just tells me how much time I've been with your absence.  I miss you cuz you aint here.  I miss you very often because you are usually not around.  It's a killer...

Starting this morning, my last memory from my dream was that you call for me.  Not literally as call on the phone or something, not even text~ but through some unknown media, I knew you call for me, as in tell me to go to you.  To get out from the house was a rush, and I left my cellphone home.  I feel insecure to be without it.  What if you really called for me, what if you text me?  Then I try to comfort myself, that it should be okay even if you don't find me.  Just like how it's hard for me to find you.  With that effort to supress the feeling, I went to my normal on-the-transportatoin sleep.  Reached City, got on the new car that a taxi friend has.  Well, this taxi friend reminded me of you a lot, even before you contact me again at July...  He is chubby like you.  He has curl long hair like you used to.  And then I found out today that even the fragrant he put in his taxi, is similar to your strawberry scent...  And how he called me to get into the car just like you, cuz I couldn't recognize his new taxi.  Urgh!! I miss you so much!!!  Why does everything have to remind me of you!!!  And then on my way back, I passed by the road where you showed me where you used to live.  And I'm in City, so near so near to you.  GAHHHH~~~  Why do I kept thinking about you!!!!  Angie got a phone call from Edward from England, should say calls cuz it wasn't getting through well.  I wish... I wish... I can get a call from right here in Belize, or even a short text...

When I reach home.  Nada on my cellphone.

This entire afternoon, I feel sad.  Maybe because my period that just came today got me emotional, and the period pain just got it worse.  It sucks...  I don't like taking pain killer, but was thinking to take.  Then I thought, people take pain killer to alleviate pain, physical pain.  How about mental or emotional pain.  Is that why people take drugs?  To run away or hide from those pain that pain killer cannot take care of?  I lay down on the bed and just wondered my mind off...  I feel lost.

As I typed this, I wander if you're still alive.  Maybe the dream was trying to sense something to me.  I always have wild imagination I know.  And I always think of the worse possibilities I can think of.  And since there is no way to know if you are ok, and you aint reply my text.  (WHAT ON THE WORLD IS THIS KIND OF RELATIONSHIP!!!!?)  So I sneak in and saw that you just update your profile photo 3 hours ago... I think that is good then.  I feel ease.  STUPID!  At least you are still alive.

You put that your favorite quote is: "The worst feeling is not being alone, it's being forgotten by someone you can never forget.".... I feel as if you had forgotten me... maybe you did...


I hope my giving-you-your-space wont be a reason for your ignoring me.

Yet sometimes I feel that you are very childish... you are a kid at heart, I like that~ but the way how you treat me and this relationship... irresponsible and childish...  I manage to pull myself out of the scenario sometime, look at it coldly and make a laugh about it.  But most of the time... I'm still helplessly dwell in my feeling for you.  That stubborn feeling I have for you can kill me thousand times like a double-sided blade sword.  I move on regardless...  My sanity punish myself yet I still move on, in some way.  Feeling pissed off now, better let me proceed no more and dwell myself in animation again.  As I said, if I dwell in their world, I will loose focus on my emotions of the real world.