I really hate March

... A year ago, we cut off the contact... on a Wednesday... March 3, 2010...

This year, March is still not a good month.
You hurt me several times... I've been keeping them in my heart... but I feel like if I don't release it somehow or another, I will explode... my emotion will explode.

You return to the country... rather... you contacted me Feb 27~ saying that you're back.

Thursday, March 3rd... this day being so sensitive to me... nothing happened, not a text from you... it's good that there's nothing bad happening... it's bad that I've contacting you but no answer back from you.

Saturday, March 5th... Early morning, you asked me to go over and if I can spend a night.  I said I can go over but not spending the night.  Followed by a series of words that seems playful from you but carves into my heart like a knife, and strikes my mind like a hammer.  Now thinking about it I can still feel the deep deep pain... It is easy to picture myself in cold cold blood at that time.  Even now... as if my internal organs had been crushed... just that deep pain that cause you goose bump to just think about it.  You then told me that it's just a test of my love, and whether go visit or not determine if I love you...  I was in tears, and confusing of emotion.  I feel my heart at my throat.  My emotion was really not stable.  But I went, and you're on an emergency call at work.  So I waited until I stepped on 3:45pm bus, I still didn't got to see you.  But I prove my feeling to you,  you said yes... ... But how about your feeling to me?  I know, you don't love me... I hesitated but I took out that 'yet' that I would put behind the me... cuz now, I don't even see/feel its happening in the near future.
Got a big big scold from mom after I reach home, cuz I didn't told her before I was going out.  It may sounds silly to you, but that is my family.  We tell them where we are going, and about what time we will return, so they don't need to worry about us...  Mom said... if I have you in my life, then I will meet you even if I don't want to.  If I don't have you in my life, regardless of how much effort I tried, I will miss you.  She is even wandering if you are trust-worthy, cuz she never see you, and you seems to have a lot of reasons.  So many coincidences hint something.
... I've been thinking... [Why do we love the one that hurts us, and hurt the ones that love us?]

Monday, March 7, Baron Bliss Day... It's a holiday, and Mickey, mom and I head to Melchor to see if we can get anything for the garden.  I texted you, you said you was going to ask me if I want you over and spend the day together.  I want to... Initially I thought you wanted to come to my home for a visit, but then no... You avoid coming to my home.  I can feel that.  I'm glad to hear that you said you would come, but it was around 9:30 that time... if you wanted to come... you would have told me before that already...

Nothing from you for the week again.

Friday, March 11, I'm in Belize City.  You said you want me, but I was in Belize City and you're in Belmopan, so there is no way that we can meet.  You suggested me to stay.  I wanted to, I planned to... I told a lot of lies... but I still can't... I can't feel at ease when I hear my mom worry about me.  I feel torn.  I decide to stay til 7 to meet you, and then go home.  You said if I'm not staying, then I better just go... I don't get to see you... I left on 6:00pm bus.  You were still asking me to stay, until you got my text that I left Belize City already, then you vanish again... no text, no picking up of calls... none after that.
In the night, I texted you to let you know that only me and my bro will be at home on Saturday, and see if you want to come over and spend some time.  No answer...

Saturday, March 12... still hear nothing from you.

Sunday, March 13... My period is here... I send you a text suggesting sometime to meet this week. On Wednesday or Friday+Saturday.  No answer.

Monday, March 14

Today, Tuesday, March 15... Was setting up printer in the conference room.  Mr. Rabbani told me that you still have one puppy for sale...  I feel betrayed.  Maybe that's too much a reaction, but build on the tension that I have in my heart since the beginning of the month, it's like that last straw that kills the camel.  Aint a big lie, but why?  Perhaps I shouldn't trace back to a lie you told me like half month ago.  But why lie to me!!?
Since when... it gets hard for me to trust you... Your words and your actions don't go together.  You don't contact me unless you want me to go over or do something.  You've been changing your mind, got caught in your own lies... I don't know what to believe and what not to.  It aint the first time I caught you bluffing.  Ya... maybe it's just bluffing, and has nothing to do with your feeling for me.  Lie to get the easy way around, after all, you know I believe in you.  And because of that, you took the advantage of it.


It certainly feel much better to dump all these things here, so that I don't feel like carrying the sole weight...  Do I keep on telling myself that you're just having your space? That you mean no harm on me and my feeling? That you are not intentionally ignoring my text?

It's unbelievable, isn't it? How a small incident can cause so much emotion.  It's a build up.  It's not like this all the time.  And perhaps to you I appear to feel nothing or not noticing... but I do have feelings, and I'm sensitive.  When will you see this part of me.  Rather... I prefer not to let you see this part of me.  It's complicated.  I want you to understand me, but I don't want to scare you.  I want you to be happy.  I want my family to be happy.  And these ends up making me not so very happy... Does it worth it...

My heart is still against my throat.  When will I find that man?  That we belong to each other?  Can I find him in you?  or if you don't plan to be...  Do I stop wasting your time? my time?


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I'm feeling much better now... Me being needy? Yes I am... Then maybe I should go the other way... I don't need you.  I think you will love that~ (grin)

All bad boys used to be good boys.
All bad girls used to be good girls... being bad doesn't means to go with whatever you want even it may hurt the feeling of my family if they find out, it means... being bad girl~~ to you. AHA!