Got scold yesterday... Morning by Angie via phone, afternoon by my love via msn... but I actually feel relieved and relax afterward... like... renewed.... how odd...
They see through me clearly. That I'm still obsessive as if love is the only thing in my life. As if I have no better things to do, and I know that is not true. I was (don't know if I'm still am) so caught up in the thought of loosing my love, and made myself timid, insecure, scared, mistrustful, confused... on and on. Certainly not healthy as my love said. I know Betty is more than that, I should be free-spirited. Don't know since when did I start to behave like this, but I know it must be like this from years ago... I believe that I had got over with my ex, whom participated about 10 years in my life through goods and bads. He is nothing but a stranger whom I still concern about. I hope the best for him in his life, but I wont get involve anymore. I wander if all the while I scare myself on those terrible heart-broken scenes. I told myself to be bold while I'm so scared to get hurt again. Not realizing that my love is different. I am different. So it should be a new start, while I dwell in shadow from the past. And if I go on like this, it will pull me down into the drain. I can't run away from it...
I'm lucky that I'm with a man that is wiling to work through this with me. Thank you, Babe. Babe, you are good at be frank... I knew that I was still obsessive, but I don't know which part of me needed changes... until you point them out to me. I'm not dumb, I guess I involved myself too much in my emotion and cannot see it from a objective perspective. So I thought I changed while I did not. I thought I am been considerate while I just hide my emotions. I thought I trusted you until I realize that my trust was so week that it can be overthrown by misunderstanding and lack of communication. I thought I love you so much, while I love you the way I want to love you, but not the way you want me to love you. I guess I just couldn't believe that you're with me, and so afraid that you'll walk away anytime. So I try to hide this things you don't like... until I found out that you knew it all the while, yet you still like me and willing to give me a chance to change it... I feel relieved... like... I don't need to keep my 'bad' me like a secret from you anymore.
I don't like to get involve in anger or conflict, but I guess be true to my feelings and express them is not bad sometimes. Better than if I kill myself in my sea of emotion. Well... maybe straight forward but not in a too harsh way...
But I will still think of you everyday tho... Cuz I know when good things come across my way, I would wish to share them with you. When bad things come across my way, you will be a part of my strength.
[Live for yourself, Betty... no on can do that for you...]
... [so... am I an emo girl afterward???@@? maybe I am...]
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