This is the end

This morning, I finally got things cleared up.  So as for the day we finished our last, should I count it for this Saturday, April 2 or last Saturday, March 26?  It's almost 9 months... Guess we just can't pull it though.  Anyways... I hate March. So much...

I didn't have the luxury to cry much.  I don't want to explain my pain.  I don't want to face it.  Don't even want my brain to register it.  I took off my wish bracelet.  My wish will never come true, so it makes no sense to have it on.  I changed my cellphone wallpaper to myself.  I put all our messages into folders separate from inbox.  What else?  How can I have so little connections with you...

Although I said that I wasn't devastating... I feel hollow.  Something got taken away from me.  I lost you.  I may know the reason why, but it's so stupid to accept.


It's til now... that I'm alone at home... that I'm doing this entry... that I got to face my sorrow.

I remember your bads... I remember your goods... your smiles...  Why does love have to hurt so much for me?  I'm lost.  That feeling is back... that my happiness is just my imagination... that life itself is filled with pain and sorrow...  And I'm not feeling "holy" in any way... I just feel depressed... and want to disappear from this world... I'm lost... Why am I crying?  Why am I still alive... with all these pain?



......................... A quote come true to me....................

“Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means that someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses, you build up a whole suit of armor, so that nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love.” - Neil Gaiman