Digest feelings

Chatting with cousin about things that bothers my mind, you. I brief him a little on my situation these days, that I seems to bother you too much. He pointed out a good point that I've never thought about before. Thanks cousin, nice talking to you.

Cousin: "You are not afraid, doesn't mean that he is not."
Me: "??"
Cousin: "That a girl suddenly approach so close like that..."
Me: "HA HA HA HA HA" (In fact, I'm speechless. Like a thunder strike onto my head, just that my hair didn't stand up like in the movies.)

Do I get too close, too fast? Is that why you look like... you're backing off a lil? So... I should just wait until you get ready, right...?

Ya... He is right.
I fell too quick, and perhaps too passionate on anything that relate to you, somehow. I'm really over my head... And something came to my mind... Wont that make people wander what do I have in my mind, be too nice and so on? As if I'm going after something, have some other intentions and so on.... I've never thought about that aspect. Hum... It does make people wander, doesn't it... Is that what you're feeling? That I like you because of something else but you?

I guess I'm just trying to be brave and find my trust in people, and the feeling that I can love and give in all without worries. Like how I used to love... don't need to think about complicated matters... so on and so forth.... But I guess that I'm not a child anymore. I'm an adult... (who says that adult cannot love like a child or act like one?) But I guess... trust gets harder and harder as we grow up, cuz we've seen and experienced, and knew that future is not always what we've planned. So as I become one, I loose that luxury of trust without fear. Will I find it back?? I'm afraid, and scared too...(So cousin, you are wrong in this!) that my heart may be torn again... but I'm taking my chances. I'm taking my risks. Willingly. Ready to get hurt anytime... "Better to have loved and lost, than to have never loved at all." -St. Augustine. So I'm grateful for whatever damage made to my poor little soul, which made the me today. (Ok.. I'm still trying to persuade myself...to be brave...)

Ok... maybe I did frighten you a bit (again... not again~ >< Stupid Betty). I guess you need time to digest whatever, and I need time to cool down and take it easy (again...). And perhaps it's good that we face it now, before we go any further, or you go any further.

You said that you want a partner, not a student. Someone that you don't need to explain things all the time. So... I'm trying to figure it out myself. Cuz I'm not the perfect girl you're looking for, but I'll try for you... Cuz you are my not-so-perfect perfect boy.

I wander where this relationship will take us. I want to enjoy the ride, and hope it leads to a good destination. But I'm kinda lost here, already.

And pardon me. I think better and talk myself out when I write out loud... just the way I am. I have too much thoughts, and the above wont even cover 1/4 of it... but I guess I will just leave it for later to add on...

By the way..... don't you think that we are facing the same problem again? I guess it's good that we get to face it one time~~ We must learn our lessons, and move on from where we left off. Kambade!