I'm not a person that talks a lot... er... maybe sometimes. Ok... I'm not a person that talks much about myself... er... maybe with Angie. Alright... let me put it this way... I'm not a person that can express my negative emotion quite well. Personally, I believe it's lack of training. Because I know, in negative emotions, people usually say words that cruelly hurts one another. So whenever I'm in negative situations, I tried to encourage myself with positive thoughts. So, whenever this negative situation is out of my hand, or I cannot longer make myself feel content and accept the situation that I am in, I panic, which is worse. That's why I said that it's in lack of training. For example, whenever my brother quarrel with me, I got speechless and felt so bad that I usually end up in tears. Gladly that doesn't happen very frequently, and whenever it happens it just goes very fast. After all, we are family, and we know quite well that no one meant harm to another. Yet I wander if I should practice quarreling more... = =.... better not then...
In regard to love, I find myself quite stupid. Don't learn my lesson. I always deem that my love is tolerance and giving. But when I cannot tolerate anymore or got tired of giving and not getting back anything, I got mad yet don't know how to express myself. And then I find out, again, that my love is not as great as how I thought it to be, tho I wanted to. People said that the ones make you cry does not worth your tears, and the one that worth it will not make you cry. If that is true, then I certain had not met the right person, cuz all of my bfs made me cry. And people said again that the one that can handle you at your worst is the one that deserve you at your best. People said, dared to love then dared to hate. I know many great quotes about love, and I constantly find myself giving advise to Angie, yet I can't help myself. These wise quotes that I so very believe in are just on paper for me. I had not live it yet. I am a hypocrite. I just can't find myself dwell in the emotion of hatery for too long, especially to those that I once loved.
I am still learning on the path of relationship. I find myself stumbling, yet I keep on walking. I believe, one day, the one meant to be will appear. And if I am so unfortunate that I don't have my one meant to be, at least I can said that I tried. I am a lonely person. I have a lot of acquaintances, a lot of friends, and very few close friends. I don't wish to be lonely, yet most of the time I found myself lonely, or feeling lonely.
People said that I am a happy person. Yet how do they know that I am just trying to be happy as much as I can, that I am actually a negative person who tries very hard to keep positive. I tend to utilize withdrawal method when dealing with extreme negative emotions such as anger and sadness, and that makes me wander if I have a heart sometimes. For example, during all the proceeding of cultural ceremonies during my grandfather's death, many times I feel as if I am watching myself from somewhere in my heart. I shut down my emotion so to keep my sanity, cuz I know, and I had experienced it, that if I let out my emotion, that it's too much, I will collapse. So, sometimes, I behave calmly and try to cheer people up, so to run away my pain. I don't know if I am normal. Do I have a heart? yes I do...
I don't like to find myself writing. Cuz I usually write in bad moods to express all the words that had been lying inside my hearts, yet usually when I started typing, I forgot what I really wanted to say. But the end result is that after I finish, I feel relieved.
I am feeling quite calm right now... I think maybe it's another withdrawal from sadness. I think God is trying to teach me that extreme emotion is not good for my body and heart. There are so much lying in my heart that I just hope one day I can be released from the load... Maybe when I am dead. Now, death doesn't sound too bad either.
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